“let them go-the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers-you must let them go they
were born
to go” — ee cummings*
I’ve been friends with Deb for nearly 6 years. We were work friends. The friendship originated because we worked so closely together and well, we both liked to talk. We both got divorced during that timeframe and she was really invaluable during my divorce. It seemed like every day I’d call her extension, crying that I was out of kleenex and could she bring me some tissues because I didn’t want to leave my cubicle with my make-up smeared around my eyes. And then when she finally decided to get help for her depression, she called me one morning and I cried with her on the phone. We’ve been through a lot.
But now, things are different. We don’t work together any more and we don’t have much in common without work. I stopped talking to her for a while, for my own sanity, because she was constantly complaining about her husband, her kids, his kids … it got to the point where I had expressed my feelings, told her she either had to do something to fix the situation or think about moving on … and I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. Things have evened out a bit since then.
The latest topic, though, is my upcoming surgery. She doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand why I want to do this, why I feel like I NEED to do this. She keeps trying to talk me out of it, not listening to my when I explain, as patiently as I can, that I have been diligently going through the process for months now, meeting first with my doctor, attending the informational seminar, meeting the surgeon, attending classes, exercising … I don’t know why. I don’t see how a thin Monique could be a threat to her. But maybe I am, I don’t know.
I’ve been lucky, so far the overwhelming majority of my friends and family members have been positive. My dad was about the only person who was apprehensive at first but he was worried about me … and he is very overweight himself. The day after I told him about the surgery he told me that I was doing the right thing and I was smart to do it now, while I was still young. That makes me sad, even now I’m tearing up; he’s only 63, but I can’t make him have the surgery.
Anyway I didn’t mean for this to be a downer post … but it’s how I’m feeling now so that’s what you get! I can’t believe my 3-year “blogaversary” is on Thursday. Usually I do something semi-spectacular; I don’t know what I’ll come up with … I suppose I should start thinking!
*I’m not a big poetry fan but I love me some ee cummings, maybe because we have the same birthday … 80 years apart lol. This poem is my favorite.
This morning I received an IM from MM, the first I’ve heard from him in over 3 weeks.
Good Morning, Sunshine! How you doing?
Are. You. Fucking. Serious????
Because it was work IM, I ignored his ass instead of letting forth a fury of multi-syllabic swear words. Then I saw him a few hours later when I went to the cafeteria to grab something for lunch; he was at the Atari machine that’s down there. (Un)fortunately, he was gone by the time I went to pay. I wanted to be able to laugh at him and say, “Dude, it’s been THREE WEEKS!” when he spoke to me.
Oh well.
In other news, last night I remembered a steamy story that Scott #1 wrote for me back in the day. Holy hell, I was ready to drive the six blocks to his apartment after reading it. He must have had the same thought, because this morning I had an email from him that ended with, “For whom are you writing these days? I recall that you sent me a work of fiction once.” In my reply, I reminded him of the story he wrote me (which I had to read again on my phone, for good measure LOL) and told him that if his question was a roundabout way of asking if I were seeing anyone, the answer was “no.”
That pretty muchs sums up my mood. I overslept, woke up at 8:39 a.m., realized I had a motherfucking pounding headache when I tried to move, popped 2 excedrin migraine pills and went back to sleep. I got to work about 11:30, I think. After drinking a Coke and eating a chili cheese burrito from Taco Bell (they help, somehow), I felt somewhat decent although I was totally spaced out for most of the day.
If work e-mail or IM hadn’t been my only possible means of communication, I would have gone on the warpath with MM today. I haven’t heard from him since he motherfucking canceled our date Tuesday night. Funny that I used the word “motherfucking” in that last sentence because that would have been one of the main words used in my conversation with him; “cocksucker” was another. Why? Does he suck cocks? I don’t know. I just like the sound of it.
He is just a motherfucking cocksucking clueless bastard. Srsly. Work is one thing, I know it sometimes gets in the way, but it is this goddamned un-haunted house that irritates the shit out of me. It’s not even cool! Or spooky! Or remotely frightening in any way, shape or form! Yet he’s pouring a fuckton of $$ into it every month, money that could be spent on ME.
Here’s the sad thing: I can’t even fucking find anyone on match.com that interests me. UGH. It’s the same old, same old … and if they’re interesting, I’ve dated them already!
To top it off, there’s some sort of shit going on at work and I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I need a drink. Or to get laid. Or both. At the same time.
My bathroom is really small and there’s no fan to remove the steam, so it gets pretty humid in there. For the past few days, since it’s been warmer, I’ve waited until I got to work to put on my make-up, because it would just melt if I put it on at home. This morning I got to work, sans cosmetics, dark circles under my eyes and weird red blotches (sorry, forgot the name already lol) still on my face. I was out of cash so I went down to the 2nd floor to use the ATM. That one was being serviced so I grudgingly went to the first floor to use that ATM. But, without cash, I wasn’t getting my coffee and bagel!
I was waiting for my moola when I heard, “Hey!” … and OF COURSE it’s MM. This is the first time I have seen him at work … and it’s been over two months. Great. Apparently he didn’t mind my hideous appearance because we chatted for a while in the lobby (about the Wonder Twins, no less) then he asked me for dinner. He said he was available “Tonight, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday …” lol We settled on next Tuesday.
I had a great workout with the trainer today. Despite my paltry exercising, the 10 weeks I’ve been working out with her once a week have made a difference, as I can tell in my strength and stamina. Today she made me use 25 lb. dumbells for a couple of arm exercises. Holy fuck, that’s heavy. For the second set, she let me use the weighted bar … probably because I was tired, my form was off and she was afraid one of the dumbells was going to end up on her foot!
She’s so sweet, I thought she was going to cry when I told her that last week, when we climbed the stairs, I didn’t even really notice, even though it was 2 or 3 flights. No huffing or puffing. And she’s already doing research into what we can do after my surgery. $200 for 10 sessions is a chunk of change for me but I need someone to push me … because left to my own devices, my ass is parked on the couch.
I forgot that I told my friend D. that I would go to a fundraiser at her church tomorrow night; Chris and I were going to bail then we felt guilty. So, I’ll be driving to the Ville afterwards and arrive about 11, hopefully. This thing starts at 7, and if it’s not over by 9, I’m leaving anyway. Gotta see mah bitches.
The cuts continued at work today, although none really affected me. Thirty-five people in marketing at our corporate headquarters, located in another state, were let go. I also heard of a few people in my building. One sales rep was severed, which was a shock. Maybe her performance has slipped since I last worked with her, but I thought there were several others who would go before her.
I actually got some work done today, which is a difference from yesterday! Unfortunately, we were having crazy errors left and right and identified that the source was an upgrade from one of our vendors. This vendor has a history of blaming us whenever something goes wrong and that’s exactly what happened today. If I could bitch-slap the people who signed the contract with this vendor, I so would.
MM IM’d me that his website was up and … uggggggh … asked for my feedback. Holy fuck, y’all. It’s atrocious. Hideous. Words cannot explain how ugly this site is. I am going to suggest he start over with WP. I found a few themes for him. He really like the look of a black background with white text. UGGGGGH. So hard to read. I am going to tell him to think of the comments as coming from a marketing professional, not the girl he’s dating … and I am going to have to be tactful, damn it. Not a strong suit. 
I got my nails did after work tonight and saw a new lady. She told me that she liked talking to me because I was funny. Apparently Miss Monique’s charm can cross a language barrier! She is 6 months pregnant. I can’t imagine having to work in a nail place while expecting … that can’t be good for the baby.
My blinds have been rattling whenever it’s windy out. Tonight, I was like, fuck it, and dragged a chair over to the window and was going to pull the blinds down … when I realized THERE WERE TWO INCHES OF OPEN SPACE AT THE TOP OF THE WINDOW! Holy fuck! It’s been like that since I moved in! I was able to push the window up and the blinds have been quiet since. I have already sent off an email to the leasing agent to let her know that whoever “checked” the apartment before I moved in did a really shitty job.
Tomorrow I’m having lunch with my friend Debby (at the Cracker Barrel, y’all!) then heading down to MM’s. It was going to be just the two of us; now there are going to be 4 other people there. He said they seem to be serious ghost hunters. They probably won’t appreciate my snarkiness then. Their loss!
Today. Was. Horrible.
Horrible!
One hundred and twenty sales people, gone.
A department of eight people who sat by me, gone.
Two men who escaped the cuts in January and switched departments, gone.
An entire team of sales that worked with med schools, gone.
Four hundred people in all is what I heard. That includes people who will be let go tomorrow.
I was so panicked today, I thought I was going to be sick. I don’t think I did any work. It was a constant stream of e-mails, IMs and phone calls, everyone trying to find out what everyone else knew. I was e-mailing Laci, Lucy and Sodapop all day, and thank God they were there to calm me down. MM did his best too; he’s been through this so many times at other jobs that it’s old hat to him.
One good thing did come out of today. I was talking about the “good old days” with a colleague (i.e. when we got to travel, eat and drink on the company’s dime) and I remembered the concern that one colleague showed me when we were in Laguna Beach in January 2007 and again early this year. She lives in another state and so we don’t see each other often … her daily questioning — are you ok? you don’t seem like yourself? you’re so much quieter than usual! — was one of the reasons I got help for my depression last year. But I never thanked her.
Today, realizing that, fuck, life is short, people come in and out of your life, I sent her an e-mail, thanking her and explaining what she had done for me. She called me, in tears, and we had a little cryfest over the phone. She’s been there too, she knows what it’s like. And she told me that even though we don’t see each other often, I can use her as a lifeline … and that’s the word she used, lifeline. That made me tear up, especially since BD and I fought like cats and dogs when we worked together, until we had a (tearful, of course) meeting to work out our differences.
Even though it took me a year, I’m glad that I sent that e-mail. Yeah, I would have eventually gotten help, regardless. Depression is no stranger to me. But she’s a major reason why I picked up the phone to call my doctor.
Isn’t it funny how the unexpected blessings in your life often come from places you don’t expect?
If you are employed, be very very grateful tonight. Monday morning, don’t bitch about getting up and going into the office. Be very thankful that you have the opportunity to work, because there are a lot of good people who … well, they deserved better than what they got.
Ahh … I was so thrilled to go back to work today. NOT. Then again, as a colleague and I were half-jokingly discussing this morning, it’s kind of hard to complain when we’re glad we have jobs. I was super stuffy thanks to keeping my windows open all weekend … and I suffered from a foggy head for most of the day, thanks to my allergy meds. Ugh. I need to start taking the meds on a regular basis because pollen counts are already through the roof.
Fortunately I had IMs from MM to entertain me throughout the day. Tonight I was googling him — mainly because one of my friends asked if I had — and while I didn’t find much, I did find a picture of him where he looked super yummy. I mean, yummy to the extent where I just stared at my monitor LOL. Yeah, Miss Monique’s gonna have some trouble keeping my pants on this weekend … but I will be strong. We haven’t even had “the talk” yet and while I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else, I think we’ve all been burned at some point or another by assuming that you were dating someone exclusively.
As you may have gathered by my previous post, I am quite excited that the NHL playoffs are starting soon! By beloved Red Wings earned both the President’s Cup AND the #1 ranking in their division … meaning they get to play Nashville instead of traveling back and forth to California. (Detroit is in the “western” conference.) There are games Thursday, Saturday, Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday … and they are all on television! Thank you television gods! I may even have to look for some Molson to drink while I watch the games.
Today was one of those days. I was very productive and got a lot done but it was also a day of heavy sighs, grumpiness and a few hissy fits. Well, only one hissy fit from me — I found out that the boss wanted me to take on a project that rightfully should be done my the person who replaced me when I switched positions in the department. My replacement is always “busy” but I’m not really sure on what. Drives me crazy. The morale at work is so low. We know more jobs will be eliminated but of course don’t know whose. I’ve been in this state of constant, low-level stress since January, when all of this started. I’m sure the stress can be blamed for the fucking pimple on my jaw that will not go away, since I only get this kind of acne when my body is totally whacked out.
I have a six-page paper due Sunday. This displeases me greatly.
I’m hungry.
It’s not even really worth it to eat anything this late. (I only say that because I have no junk food lol.)
It’s supposed to rain tonight.
Blech.
Oy what a long day … and it’s not even 3 p.m. As I mentioned in my last post, I fell asleep on the couch for about 90 minutes last night, awakening around 10 p.m. I think I was up until about 1 a.m. before I finally got some sleep. I just couldn’t get comfortable. I was too hot, too cold, too whatever.
MM wasn’t online yesterday at work and I hadn’t heard from him. I was going to call last night but chickened out. Why? Who knows. There is that fear of rejection my crazy old therapist used to mention, lol. Anyway I’m kind of glad I didn’t call because it turns out he was home sick and was actually sleeping at the time I thought about calling. It’s only been a few days since I’ve seen him but I miss him. I know, I’m a dork.
I have barely received any e-mails today, work-related or not. I swear everyone is on vacation except for me …
I heard back from MM.
We do indeed work for the same company, although he doesn’t know that yet.
OMFG. I don’t know what to do about this.
Honestly, I can’t believe it’s taken 3 years of dating to run into this situations lol.
He wants to have dinner tomorrow. I am not sure I am mentally prepared for this!!!!
UGGGGGH!
