I am so excited: Friday is Miss Sodapop’s birthday and I’m going to see her!!! SQUEEEEEEE! It’s been way too long! Tomorrow night I’m going to her meeting with her (she’s chairing) and then hopefully I can drag her ass out for a late dinner or something. Then, early Saturday, we’ll be driving up to Bloomington, IN, to see MY team, the Michigan State Spartans, play the IU Hoosiers. Srsly. That’s their name. The HOOSIERS. We have one of the greatest mascots EVER, Sparty, and they have … fuck me, I don’t even know what their mascot is. I haven’t been to a college football game since I was in college, so it ought to be fun. I have my MSU hat already packed; I picked up a green t-shirt the other day at Target so I will stand out in the sea of red!
So, that dress I bought for Halloween arrived today. It’s SHORT. Like mid-thigh. Ummmmmmm. With some black opaque tights, I might still wear it. My ass is covered at least, thank God. And, I will probably lose some more weight in the next month, so the dress will get a little longer (hopefully). If not, well, hell, I’ll be in the Ville for Halloween, so Laci and Sodapop will be the only people who I actually know who will see me like that LOL. I’ll def wear a blonde wig to draw attention upwards!
I was at the gym today and Kara had me doing walking lunges. On the second one, I went down. Like, straight down. My knee just buckled. It was the weirdest thing. Then, my other knee started acting up. So, we gave up on that task. I don’t know if losing 40 lbs in 7 weeks has caused joint issues or what. Thank God my knees didn’t “pop.” I did agree to do strength training 2x/week though; she just casually dropped that into conversation lol. I know it’s good for me, and I felt really good tonight while working out (knee weirdness excluded), but I still don’t like it. Bah. Big baby Monique, I know.
I had a headache yesterday that just wouldn’t go away. To compound matters, I had a full day of meetings. Ok, the meetings were interesting and informative but still, I was at work and swallowing Tylenol as often as the tiny tummy would allow it. Then, there were a fun-filled dinner after work. BAH. I ended up in bed at 8:45 p.m. and slept straight through ’til morning. It was fabulous!
“let them go-the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers-you must let them go they
were born
to go” — ee cummings*
I’ve been friends with Deb for nearly 6 years. We were work friends. The friendship originated because we worked so closely together and well, we both liked to talk. We both got divorced during that timeframe and she was really invaluable during my divorce. It seemed like every day I’d call her extension, crying that I was out of kleenex and could she bring me some tissues because I didn’t want to leave my cubicle with my make-up smeared around my eyes. And then when she finally decided to get help for her depression, she called me one morning and I cried with her on the phone. We’ve been through a lot.
But now, things are different. We don’t work together any more and we don’t have much in common without work. I stopped talking to her for a while, for my own sanity, because she was constantly complaining about her husband, her kids, his kids … it got to the point where I had expressed my feelings, told her she either had to do something to fix the situation or think about moving on … and I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. Things have evened out a bit since then.
The latest topic, though, is my upcoming surgery. She doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand why I want to do this, why I feel like I NEED to do this. She keeps trying to talk me out of it, not listening to my when I explain, as patiently as I can, that I have been diligently going through the process for months now, meeting first with my doctor, attending the informational seminar, meeting the surgeon, attending classes, exercising … I don’t know why. I don’t see how a thin Monique could be a threat to her. But maybe I am, I don’t know.
I’ve been lucky, so far the overwhelming majority of my friends and family members have been positive. My dad was about the only person who was apprehensive at first but he was worried about me … and he is very overweight himself. The day after I told him about the surgery he told me that I was doing the right thing and I was smart to do it now, while I was still young. That makes me sad, even now I’m tearing up; he’s only 63, but I can’t make him have the surgery.
Anyway I didn’t mean for this to be a downer post … but it’s how I’m feeling now so that’s what you get! I can’t believe my 3-year “blogaversary” is on Thursday. Usually I do something semi-spectacular; I don’t know what I’ll come up with … I suppose I should start thinking!
*I’m not a big poetry fan but I love me some ee cummings, maybe because we have the same birthday … 80 years apart lol. This poem is my favorite.
Thankfully, my headache disappeared yesterday afternoon and I made it to the Ville just a few minutes after Miss Laci, Miss Sodapop and Laci’s mom (who is a HOOT) were leaving the movie theater. We caravaned over to a nearby restaurant and met up with more of Laci’s friends. Dinner was good and baseball, and then hockey, was on the television for Sodapop and me LOL.
My dad had called during din-din so I called him back while driving to Soda’s apartment. We talked hockey and then about what I’ve been up to. I think he is concerned I am going to lose my cool during my pre-surgery psych eval on Thursday. Ummm I don’t really think this is a high-pressure thing and it’s not really in my nature to toss furniture around or anything!
The game was partway through the 1st period when we turned it on and the Wings ended up winning. Wheeeee! Now they can win the Cup tomorrow night at home. 
Miss Josie was a poor pathetic puppy, with her plastic cone to prevent her from licking her ass wound. She couldn’t jump with the cone on so wherever you put her is pretty much where she stayed LOL. I couldn’t help but laugh at her. She and Chloe went batshit crazy when they saw me but quickly calmed down. Chloe slept with me for a while and was actually a good girl … until she got into my makeup bag while Soda and I were at church. Le sigh. At least the only brush she ate was one that I needed to replace anyway!
Yes, I’m a freak: I turned down an invitation to go out with friends in order to stay home and watch the Red Wings. Granted, this invite was from one of my gay friends who has absolutely no concept of sports, let alone hockey, which has a very limited fan base in Indiana. BUT STILL. I talk about the playoffs like every fucking day!!!
Anyway. They were going to play pool and drink … and I suck at pool. I have the best intentions but I totally suck. It’s embarrassing. It’s only worth playing if there’s a cute boy around to “show” me how to play. And after last weekend, I have no interest in drinking.
I used to pride myself on my lack of hangovers. I could drink like a fish and bounce out of bed the next morning, fresh as a daisy. Now? Not so much. Last weekend, Sunday was pretty much a ruined day for me. I felt pukey for most of the day, had a splitting headache and pretty much wanted to curl up under the covers. In January I had a wicked hangover after drinking with the Louisville bitches and then again in April when I consumed a large quantity of rum at MM’s house.
Bah. Just not worth it.
My Wings are up 2-0 in the first game of the Cup finals … a couple of the predictions I read are calling for the Wings to take the series in 6. I hope it doesn’t take that many games but if they to play 6 to win it all, I’ll take it.
It’s way quiet at my apartment now. Miss Sodapop and her girls left this morning to go back to the Ville, then Miss Lucy, Miss Laci and I grabbed some Mexican for lunch. I was still feeling hungover from last night’s fun and ended up taking a long nap. We lazed about and grabbed some dinner, where — OMG! — the boys from Panic at the Disco were at the next table. Of course I had no frickin’ clue but Laci and Lucy were ready to lose their minds LOL. They’re at the concert now and I’m watching repeats of last season’s episodes of So You Think You Can Dance. Wheeee!
I am pooped. I’m getting too old to drink that much. It ruins most of my next day. Gah. I guess it’s just as well, since I won’t really be able to drink after my surgery. Speaking of, I have my first nutrition class this Thursday morning. Ought to be interesting, I hope. I need to start going to support-group meetings, too. There’s one this Wednesday so I’ll go to that.
I need a glass of water. I think I’m still dehydrated from all the booze last night!
I ended up driving to the Ville Friday evening … I fucking flew down there and made it to Miss Sodapop’s apartment at about 7:05 p.m. As soon as I got there, we left for a GA meeting. This was the second meeting that I have attended, the first in the Ville. There is quite the collection of characters, let me tell you, including one gentleman who persistently petted Miss Sodapop’s arm, causing me to giggle during the middle of the meeting. He’s … intense.
I gotta tell you, though, I continued to be amazed and humbled by the work that people in this 12-step program have done on themselves. The individuals who have been in the program for a while and are working/have worked the steps are some of the most honest, caring and perceptive people I have met. Miss Sodapop was the meeting chair and she chose the topic of “change” to discuss. I think just about everyone in the room shared, including me. Now, keep in mind that just about everyone on the fucking planet calls Miss Sodapop by a different first name than I know her as. So I had to remember to use that name, which always freaks me out LOL. Anyway, I think I surprised Miss Sodapop by speaking up, but she is just such an awesome person, I had to. I didn’t know her before, but the Sodapop I know now is one of the best friends I have ever had. It turned into a bit of a cryfest, as she was already in tears, I was in tears, but it was a good girlie moment.
Afterwards, we stopped at Wal-mart then went back to her place to make yummeh dip because we were both starving. I hadn’t eaten since about 11:30 a.m. and it was about 9 p.m. when we got back to her place. I watched Rent for the first time and really liked it, although I was seriously bummed out by part of it and told Miss Sodapop that watching the move so frequently can not be good for her mental health LOL.
During the night, I slept on the couch and Miss Chloe the Chiweenie came out NINE motherfucking times during the night to see me. Ok, I shouldn’t swear, she’s the cutest little thing ever, but srsly. NINE TIMES? And she licks. Oh how she licks. A few times I got her to calm down and she slept by me for a while. Her collar jingles so at least she can’t sneak up on you.
Saturday we did some running around, took naps and then met Miss Laci and a friend for dinner at a yummeh Cuban restaurant. Now, we were a bit prejudiced against this friend because of some things Laci had told us about him and well, because, Laci is not only our girl, she’s the baby bitch (being a mere 28 to the rest of us post-30+ bitches). Miss Sodapop fucking went to town on this guy. OMG. That is one of her skills; she is direct and isn’t afraid to ask the hard questions. A few times I kicked Miss Laci under the table and well, I won’t tell you what I was mouthing to her, but *I* thought it was funny.
Today, I went to the largest church I have ever been too. There were escalators in the entrance. ESCALATORS. The sanctuary has stadium seating and had, I think, three levels. In the church bulletin, it said that last week, they had nearly 17,000 people attend worship. Holy cow. The service was totally different from I’m used to (I’m not demonstrative in church, yo) but the message was good and I am slowly getting over my dislike of “rock” type music in church. Not that I have any philosophical reasons against it, it’s just that most of the time it’s not very good!
Miss Sodapop and I sat with her friends GB and BB during the service, then met up again at Bravo for lunch. Yummeh. And Miss Sodapop ended up with half of a rosemary chicken panini because it had mayo on it and I didn’t want to risk eating it after a two-hour drive back home!
And now … back to work tomorrow. Dinner with MM on Tuesday so I suppose I’ll be thinking about that tomorrow night. I might invite myself to his house this weekend … well, bring the topic up and see how it goes over. We shall see!
Today. Was. Horrible.
Horrible!
One hundred and twenty sales people, gone.
A department of eight people who sat by me, gone.
Two men who escaped the cuts in January and switched departments, gone.
An entire team of sales that worked with med schools, gone.
Four hundred people in all is what I heard. That includes people who will be let go tomorrow.
I was so panicked today, I thought I was going to be sick. I don’t think I did any work. It was a constant stream of e-mails, IMs and phone calls, everyone trying to find out what everyone else knew. I was e-mailing Laci, Lucy and Sodapop all day, and thank God they were there to calm me down. MM did his best too; he’s been through this so many times at other jobs that it’s old hat to him.
One good thing did come out of today. I was talking about the “good old days” with a colleague (i.e. when we got to travel, eat and drink on the company’s dime) and I remembered the concern that one colleague showed me when we were in Laguna Beach in January 2007 and again early this year. She lives in another state and so we don’t see each other often … her daily questioning — are you ok? you don’t seem like yourself? you’re so much quieter than usual! — was one of the reasons I got help for my depression last year. But I never thanked her.
Today, realizing that, fuck, life is short, people come in and out of your life, I sent her an e-mail, thanking her and explaining what she had done for me. She called me, in tears, and we had a little cryfest over the phone. She’s been there too, she knows what it’s like. And she told me that even though we don’t see each other often, I can use her as a lifeline … and that’s the word she used, lifeline. That made me tear up, especially since BD and I fought like cats and dogs when we worked together, until we had a (tearful, of course) meeting to work out our differences.
Even though it took me a year, I’m glad that I sent that e-mail. Yeah, I would have eventually gotten help, regardless. Depression is no stranger to me. But she’s a major reason why I picked up the phone to call my doctor.
Isn’t it funny how the unexpected blessings in your life often come from places you don’t expect?
If you are employed, be very very grateful tonight. Monday morning, don’t bitch about getting up and going into the office. Be very thankful that you have the opportunity to work, because there are a lot of good people who … well, they deserved better than what they got.
Srsly. THIS PIMPLE WILL NOT GO AWAY. I probably need to see a dermatologist because it looks like cystic acne. Fucking pisses me off. I’m 33! I had perfect skin as a teenager! Oh how I miss that smooth, pretty, glowing skin! Bah!
Anyway. I started a new book last night. I’m addicted. OMG. I cannot get enough of vampire books lately. I think I even dreamt that MM and I were vampires! (Maybe I just want some of the hot sex that was is in the first books I read.)
Miss Sodapop was baptized today. She posted two short videos that Miss Lucy took from the service. She told me her church was large but from the looks of things, it’s a stadium! Jeez Louise! My last church, the one I was active in, had a weekly attendance of about 100!
I am thisclose to being done with my paper. I just need to figure out another “ethical issue” to write about, based on the scenario. Ugh. Then I can start on the assignment that’s due NEXT week, because it’s another long one. I don’t have much planned this week in the evenings, but my time has a way of filling up!
Oh, I created a separate blog for my weight-loss surgery. I freaked poor Mr. Ricardo out, because I sent him the link to the page and I guess I hadn’t mentioned to him that I was pursuing the surgery! I’ll be updating the page more, of course, as things roll along. E-mail me if you want the URL, since it’s not a blog per se, it’s a profile page on another site, really.
I was so busy this morning. I did all sorts of things so that I didn’t have to work on my paper … like clean the kitchen and the toilet, do dishes, put away laundry and even tweeze my ’stache! I do have 2 pages written and I think once I focus again, it shouldn’t take too terribly long. I need to thank God daily for my writing ability because if I couldn’t pull this crap out of my ass, life would be a lot more difficult!
I miss mah bitches. 
I don’t miss the hangovers that they all had today, though! I was thinking about driving down there tomorrow but with gas prices, my budget allows me to either buy gas to get to KY or to get to/from work next week. Yeah, guess I better stay home.
After I had dinner with MM last week, my mom asked if I had told him about my surgery plans. I haven’t, and I don’t know when I will. I mean, he is a part of my life, but telling him is different than telling my friends. My friends don’t care what I look like (’cept when I’m flashing ‘em all my boobehs at O’Charleys) but a guy I’m dating? That’s totally different. This surgery involves some major life changes for me. No more going out to eat. No booze for quite a while. I’m going to be losing weight and having weird skin for a while (people tell me that at my age, I have the best chance of the skin going back to normal but I’m sure there will still be wobbliness). I am going to have to face my demons and the reasons WHY I overeat.
Oh my God. *Ephiphany moment. Epiphany moment.* I don’t want to tell MM about this surgery because it means admitting that I’m not perfect.
Oh dear Lord. I thought I had moved past all of this wanting-to-look-perfect shit. I guess not. Well, there we go. That’s what I’m going to tell him. Perfect opportunity for me to be vulnerable (not my strong suit) … which means I’m going to be scared as shit! Le sigh. Lesigh lesigh lesigh.
My quiet Friday night at home turned into apartment shopping, dinner and a play — a perfect date night, except it was with my gay boyfriend LOL. Chris is looking to move downtown and we tend to go apartment shopping together. We have similar tastes and it helps to have another set of eyes looking at the property. The building we looked at last night was ok; he was excited because it was within walking distance of the dance club he goes to a lot. The front door was nearly all glass; of course, as a single woman I saw that as a major security concern! The place wasn’t kept up as well as I expected. There were 3 or 4 exterior doors and they each looked pretty rickity and not very secure. The kitchen cabinets didn’t look like any place I’d want to store food or dishes … there was a wire of some sort covered in that poofy putty stuff. Yuck. The washer and dryer was in the basement and shared with another tenant. The basement was also scary as hell! In the end, it was the two very small bedrooms that ruined the deal.
After we left the house, we decided to get some pizza … there was a huge line so we ended up at a tavern. During dinner, Chris asked when the next play started at the local theater company we both like. I replied, “Tonight!” It was about 7 p.m. and the play started at 8, so I volunteered to “run down” and get tickets, since Chris was hungrier than I was (plus he’s diabetic so he really can’t skip meals). Well, the theater turned out to be further away that I expected. It was about 4 long blocks … at least it was light out and the rain held off! By the time I got back, Chris had his phone in his hand and was just about to call me to make sure I hadn’t been abducted by a street person.
The play was “Die Mommy Die!” and if you are in the Indianapolis area, GO! It was so campy and funny and good. I hadn’t laughed like that in a very long time. My mom would have loved it; I wish she had been with us. The executive director of the theater sat directly behind us, which was kind of awkward because I was afraid to whisper anything to Chris during the play! There were a row of really tragic looking gay men in front of us, which was entertaining during intermission. One guy was really geeky and stood facing the rest of the audience. Chris said, “He looks like he’s used to attention … from old men!” and then we cackled like two old biddies. Being single, one thing that gives me comfort is growing old and bitchier with Christopher. I PPH him.
Now it’s 11:14 a.m. and I am majorly procrastinating my paper. But my average is 93% in the course and I’d like it to be a little higher, so I don’t have to worry about getting a B, which means I need to kick ass on this paper. And I need to call Chase because my Visa, which is good through this month, isn’t working. Pffft.
