This morning I received an IM from MM, the first I’ve heard from him in over 3 weeks.
Good Morning, Sunshine! How you doing?
Are. You. Fucking. Serious????
Because it was work IM, I ignored his ass instead of letting forth a fury of multi-syllabic swear words. Then I saw him a few hours later when I went to the cafeteria to grab something for lunch; he was at the Atari machine that’s down there. (Un)fortunately, he was gone by the time I went to pay. I wanted to be able to laugh at him and say, “Dude, it’s been THREE WEEKS!” when he spoke to me.
Oh well.
In other news, last night I remembered a steamy story that Scott #1 wrote for me back in the day. Holy hell, I was ready to drive the six blocks to his apartment after reading it. He must have had the same thought, because this morning I had an email from him that ended with, “For whom are you writing these days? I recall that you sent me a work of fiction once.” In my reply, I reminded him of the story he wrote me (which I had to read again on my phone, for good measure LOL) and told him that if his question was a roundabout way of asking if I were seeing anyone, the answer was “no.”
I dated Scott #1 in the spring of 2006 for three or four months. At the time it seemed to me like we’d take two steps forward, then one step back. Of course I blamed it on him being a douche; isn’t that always the case? Ahem. Anyway, over time, I realized that I had a lot to do with how the relationship worked out. I knew that he wanted more than I could give, but I didn’t realize at the time how little he was asking for, you know? It’s not like he wanted a commitment right away, he just wanted what I want — someone who is emotionally available.
Scott and I have been looking at each other’s match profiles for weeks … this happens every few months. I see that he checked me out, so I check him out. Repeat ad nauseum. Last night, I decided enough was enough; to me, it felt like I was consciously ignoring someone that I knew. So I sent him a hey, how are you, blah blah blah email. He replied and we exchanged probably 4 or 5 messages, about school, living downtown and politics, because we are both raving liberals.
I didn’t reply to his last message and while I was lying in bed last night, I decided it was time that I apologized to him, for no other reason than I wanted him to know that I was sorry. Here’s what I sent him this morning –
I wanted to apologize to you for the way I was back when we were dating. At the time, I thought that being a year out from my divorce was no big deal, but I was in no way emotionally ready to be dating anyone. I distinctly remember you telling me that it would be nice if I let you see my vulnerable side and that I used to humor as a shield, and I swear to God my immediate response, which I did not share, was to think, “Who are you, my therapist?!” I believe that is what is called a red flag. ;-p. Anyway, I did the best that I could at the time, which really wasn’t much at all, and for that, I’m sorry, because I did enjoy your company. — Monique
I know I screwed over a lot of guys because I didn’t realize the depth of my pain at the time. As long as I had a man’s attention, I didn’t have to deal with the pain and grief over the loss of my marriage. I told Miss Sodapop she was rubbing off on me, but with characteristic humility, she transferred the praise to the 12-step groups. It’s amazing what attending two meetings has done for me.
And now I’m going to cry some tears of relief and happiness, because that’s how I feel right now.
Jason emailed me again last Thursday during the hockey game; we exchanged a few more messages. Today I looked at his MySpace page (our pages are both private and we’re not MySpace friends anymore) and his status said, “Jason has a giddy feeling that can’t be shaken.” Of course he could be giddy over any number of things but you know what? I don’t care. So I blocked him from being able to communicate with me via match.com. It isn’t good for me to be talking to him. If he wanted to see me, he would have asked by now, and if he just hasn’t gotten around to it, well, he’ll figure out a way if he works hard enough.
Last night I worked on school-related stuff until 10 p.m. Blech. I just now finished watching my 5th and final lecture for this week. I also wrote a discussion posting that was due today and read through the marketing research for our online simulation and crunched some numbers for that. I have another conference call tonight at 8:30, and I still have to start in on my book (60 pages to read). Le sigh.
This afternoon I ended up emailing Jason back. He replied immediately, as usual. More hockey discussions, of course, then I mentioned I got fried dill pickle chips for lunch (coincidentally from the same restaurant we went to on our first date lol). Maybe 3 or 4 emails went back and forth, that’s it. I told my coworker Mary that if I felt cuter today I would have gone to his work, marched in and called him out on his hockey bullshit.
Last night I re-read my blog posts from last June and July. One of the posts contained his explanatory email. I don’t think he meant to be a total douche, just like I didn’t mean to scream every obscenity that I know at him lol (ok I meant that at the time), but it was still a disaster. Dizz-ass-ter. So I don’t know. I don’t really foresee these chit-chats going anywhere. I don’t even know if there would still be a spark there. We took so much time and energy from each other, it was this constant whirlwind of activity, all revolving around each other. I really didn’t do anything other than spend time with him or text him when we were apart.
Regardless, I’m not feeling like I want to stick my neck out there for anyone right now, at least any man. Today a coworker asked me about MM and was shocked that I hadn’t talked to him in more than a week. I was just kind of indignant, you know, like how can he ignore me? ME! And really, the reason why I haven’t called him out on his bullshit is that I don’t want to hear the reason why. I don’t want to hear that it’s because of me; I’d rather just keep on thinking that he’s a douche. I still hear Mark’s words in my head and that break up was more than 2 years ago — he told me that I was everything he should be attracted to, but he just wasn’t. Yeah, thanks, big guy. I believe he reiterated that a few times too. The honesty was much appreciated. Not.
I’ve had this song in my head all day. Please do enjoy the great Don’t Stop Believing …
I did my civic duty and cast my vote today for Obama. I was kinda pissy because they didn’t have any “I Voted!” stickers. WTF? Being a show-off and all obnoxious about having voted is one of the best parts about voting! Pffft.
This morning I got into the elevator with this young man who asked how my day was, in a very cheery voice. I said, fine, and asked how his was. Then he told me his name was William. Oookay. I said, “Hi, William. I’m Monique.” (All of this happened between the 1st and 3rd floors.) After William exited the elevator I turned to the guy who had gotten in on the 2nd floor (coincidentally the guy who threw his keys at me) and said, “His name is William. He introduced himself to me.” We then proceeded to make fun of poor William. Key-throwing guy’s suggestion was to ask William, the next time I saw him, if he had that report done. LOL Yes, key-throwing guy and I are both doing our part to remain civil. Nothing else has been thrown.
Today I signed into my Match.com account and saw that a pop-up I had never seen before. It said that [the motherfucker] wanted to IM with me. I was like, WTF? and of course, because this involved the motherfucker, I panicked and closed out of Match. LOL Later on I emailed him, curiosity aroused, and basically said, “What was that about?”
Get this: He wanted to talk about hockey! Fuck me. He emailed back, “I was going to say ‘Go Wings!’” OMFG. We e-mailed a few times and I didn’t reply to his last one. Motherfucking bite me, ya know? I was like, come ON, I am not the only person in the world to fucking discuss hockey with!
Of course, everyone I told basically wanted to slap me for even CONSIDERING talking to him, let alone actually doing it. Sodapop and Laci (and maybe even Lucy) all chimed in, and at the office, Chris said, “And what makes you think he isn’t going to be a jerk this time?” to which I maturely replied, “I KNOOOOOOW!” while spinning in my desk chair.
Le sigh.
Sodapop told me I should tell him to leave me the fuck alone. But I can’t. No, I won’t. There’s a difference. I won’t tell him to leave me alone because I don’t want to.
I ended up driving to the Ville Friday evening … I fucking flew down there and made it to Miss Sodapop’s apartment at about 7:05 p.m. As soon as I got there, we left for a GA meeting. This was the second meeting that I have attended, the first in the Ville. There is quite the collection of characters, let me tell you, including one gentleman who persistently petted Miss Sodapop’s arm, causing me to giggle during the middle of the meeting. He’s … intense.
I gotta tell you, though, I continued to be amazed and humbled by the work that people in this 12-step program have done on themselves. The individuals who have been in the program for a while and are working/have worked the steps are some of the most honest, caring and perceptive people I have met. Miss Sodapop was the meeting chair and she chose the topic of “change” to discuss. I think just about everyone in the room shared, including me. Now, keep in mind that just about everyone on the fucking planet calls Miss Sodapop by a different first name than I know her as. So I had to remember to use that name, which always freaks me out LOL. Anyway, I think I surprised Miss Sodapop by speaking up, but she is just such an awesome person, I had to. I didn’t know her before, but the Sodapop I know now is one of the best friends I have ever had. It turned into a bit of a cryfest, as she was already in tears, I was in tears, but it was a good girlie moment.
Afterwards, we stopped at Wal-mart then went back to her place to make yummeh dip because we were both starving. I hadn’t eaten since about 11:30 a.m. and it was about 9 p.m. when we got back to her place. I watched Rent for the first time and really liked it, although I was seriously bummed out by part of it and told Miss Sodapop that watching the move so frequently can not be good for her mental health LOL.
During the night, I slept on the couch and Miss Chloe the Chiweenie came out NINE motherfucking times during the night to see me. Ok, I shouldn’t swear, she’s the cutest little thing ever, but srsly. NINE TIMES? And she licks. Oh how she licks. A few times I got her to calm down and she slept by me for a while. Her collar jingles so at least she can’t sneak up on you.
Saturday we did some running around, took naps and then met Miss Laci and a friend for dinner at a yummeh Cuban restaurant. Now, we were a bit prejudiced against this friend because of some things Laci had told us about him and well, because, Laci is not only our girl, she’s the baby bitch (being a mere 28 to the rest of us post-30+ bitches). Miss Sodapop fucking went to town on this guy. OMG. That is one of her skills; she is direct and isn’t afraid to ask the hard questions. A few times I kicked Miss Laci under the table and well, I won’t tell you what I was mouthing to her, but *I* thought it was funny.
Today, I went to the largest church I have ever been too. There were escalators in the entrance. ESCALATORS. The sanctuary has stadium seating and had, I think, three levels. In the church bulletin, it said that last week, they had nearly 17,000 people attend worship. Holy cow. The service was totally different from I’m used to (I’m not demonstrative in church, yo) but the message was good and I am slowly getting over my dislike of “rock” type music in church. Not that I have any philosophical reasons against it, it’s just that most of the time it’s not very good!
Miss Sodapop and I sat with her friends GB and BB during the service, then met up again at Bravo for lunch. Yummeh. And Miss Sodapop ended up with half of a rosemary chicken panini because it had mayo on it and I didn’t want to risk eating it after a two-hour drive back home!
And now … back to work tomorrow. Dinner with MM on Tuesday so I suppose I’ll be thinking about that tomorrow night. I might invite myself to his house this weekend … well, bring the topic up and see how it goes over. We shall see!
My bathroom is really small and there’s no fan to remove the steam, so it gets pretty humid in there. For the past few days, since it’s been warmer, I’ve waited until I got to work to put on my make-up, because it would just melt if I put it on at home. This morning I got to work, sans cosmetics, dark circles under my eyes and weird red blotches (sorry, forgot the name already lol) still on my face. I was out of cash so I went down to the 2nd floor to use the ATM. That one was being serviced so I grudgingly went to the first floor to use that ATM. But, without cash, I wasn’t getting my coffee and bagel!
I was waiting for my moola when I heard, “Hey!” … and OF COURSE it’s MM. This is the first time I have seen him at work … and it’s been over two months. Great. Apparently he didn’t mind my hideous appearance because we chatted for a while in the lobby (about the Wonder Twins, no less) then he asked me for dinner. He said he was available “Tonight, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday …” lol We settled on next Tuesday.
I had a great workout with the trainer today. Despite my paltry exercising, the 10 weeks I’ve been working out with her once a week have made a difference, as I can tell in my strength and stamina. Today she made me use 25 lb. dumbells for a couple of arm exercises. Holy fuck, that’s heavy. For the second set, she let me use the weighted bar … probably because I was tired, my form was off and she was afraid one of the dumbells was going to end up on her foot!
She’s so sweet, I thought she was going to cry when I told her that last week, when we climbed the stairs, I didn’t even really notice, even though it was 2 or 3 flights. No huffing or puffing. And she’s already doing research into what we can do after my surgery. $200 for 10 sessions is a chunk of change for me but I need someone to push me … because left to my own devices, my ass is parked on the couch.
I forgot that I told my friend D. that I would go to a fundraiser at her church tomorrow night; Chris and I were going to bail then we felt guilty. So, I’ll be driving to the Ville afterwards and arrive about 11, hopefully. This thing starts at 7, and if it’s not over by 9, I’m leaving anyway. Gotta see mahbitches.
I got another A! I’m so psyched. I finished this class with a 94.4% … it would have been a bit higher had I not spaced a 10 pt assignment (1% of my grade) last week. Oh well. My lovely 4.0 GPA remains intact.
My girl Mary might be coming to the Ville with me this weekend. Then again, she might flake out, who knows. Her birthday is Monday, tho, so if she comes with, we’ll have to get her all drunk and shit. I know, I know, the bitches drink? Shocking!
MM IM’d me this afternoon. It was a very short exchange, at least on my part. The two IMs I sent consisted of four words, total. Two two-word phrases. (Not the two words you’re probably thinking of; we were at work, on work IM.) As I told my friend Jennifer tonight, I have a lot of anger towards him that I am just now recognizing. He is clueless. Motherfucking clueless. Jennifer suggested he take a Miss Manners class for social interaction. I mean, really. If I were to see him, I don’t think I could do anything but scowl, seriously. I’m scowling typing this. And I look much cuter when I am happy and smiling.
As you probably heard from the othermidwesternbloggers, there was an earthquake this morning. I woke this morning to my bed shaking. Now I was a bit groggy but it didn’t take too long to figure out what was going on … I was just shocked at how long the tremors lasted. I swear my building even shook. It felt like EVERYTHING was moving. Nothing fell off the walls though; some of my colleagues said photos fell down or off walls at their homes.
Then I went back to sleep.
I actually forgot all about it until I turned on the radio in the car (couldn’t find my iPod) and the DJ mentioned it. I was like, I’ll be damned. LOL I think it was a 5.2 on the Richter scale at the epicenter (in Illinois). It was definitely the strongest earthquake I’ve felt. Then again, the only other one I remember was about 20 years ago in Michigan!
There was an aftershock about 11:15; we were in a staff meeting and the floor started to shake. It was much less severe but definitely noticeable.
This afternoon I went to see my surgeon. Really nice guy. He said either the Lap band or gastric bypass would work for me, but I chose the bypass for 2 reasons. One, the weight loss is greater, and two, I won’t be able to eat sweets and high-fat foods. With the Lap band you don’t have that restriction and hello, I’d be popping jelly bellys again like there’s no tomorrow. The next step is to attend two nutrition classes (couldn’t get into those until the end of May) and meet with the psychologist at the beginning of June. After that, my paperwork will be submitted for insurance approval.
I’m excited. It’s like now I have the motivation to start eating better and exercising consistently because there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I had dinner with my friend Kim tonight and she was just raving about how beautiful I am now and how I’ll be that much prettier when I’m happier with myself. Ah, I love the fawning friends.
I told the dietitian that I am at my highest weight ever. When she asked me why I started thinking about the surgery, I told her that the final straw really was when I got on the scale in November in the fitness center. I. Was. Shocked. I knew I had gained weight but fuck me, that much? Ugh. They stress over and over again that this surgery is just a tool. It’s not the end-all and be-all of weight loss … and I’ll have to do work to figure out WHY I eat like I do. The danger of cross-addiction is great, one reason why they ask patients to abstain from alcohol forever. I can’t really argue with that, given my dad’s issues, but still. I’ll survive, though. Ugh.
MM is going to be at a mini convention tomorrow, hawking his “B&B.” How do I know this? Because my girl Gigi is running the show and she told me about it … I wouldn’t be surprised if she marched her ass over to him and introduced herself. I know I would if the tables were turned LOL. I’m interested in her assessment of him. I’ve decided that I’m not going to contact again; it’s up to him. Pffft ….
Last night I was lying awake, thinking about MM and my feelings for him. Like I’ve said before, I’m just not 100%, ya know? And part of it is time … with his house, if we spend time together, it’s with a bunch of other people around, or we hang out during the week, which isn’t a best-case scenario either. I pretty much knew that from the get-go but it’s still annoying to have to make other plans on the weekend. I had planned to share my concerns with MM tonight, not really in a way that showed ambivalence but more like, what can we do about this?
But … his father is in poor health … dementia and other issues … and apparently has taken a turn for the worse. MM texted me while I was at lunch asking if we could reschedule for next week, then clarifying that the family is having a conference call tonight (they are all in different states) to discuss the options for his father’s care. So now I get to watch the debate and the Red Wings game, uninterrupted, but I also have to deal with these nagging doubts for a few more days.
It sucks that we’re both so busy. I usually have something going on every night of the week, it seems, and then the weekends are a crap shoot. I have plans both Friday and Saturday nights but I’d like to spend some time curled up with MM too. I like MM a lot but the timing might just not be right on this one or I may need to reevaluate what I’m willing to deal with …
