It’s not even 2:30 p.m. and I am so ready for a nap. It’s been one of those days at work … I can’t decide if I want to listen to music or not, drink water or pop, blah blah blah. I’m spacy and ditzy and just don’t want to be here!!!!
I canceled my date last night … I had two assignments due for school and I realized that I just decided to give this guy another try because I was feeling petulant and lonely, ya know? As my mother said, I don’t need to get caught up in anyone else’s drama.
The ex IM’d me today to see if I got his check. I told him I did, then he got all chatty about it, saying he was sorry it was so messed up, blah blah blah. All I could hear was this voice in my head saying “Shut Up Shut Up Why Doesn’t He Shut Up???” LOL I was rather short with him and just stopped responding.
Did I mention I finished my last class with a 95.1%? 
I booked a massage for next month to celebrate. Even though I have 30 credits to go, I am going to do my damndest to graduate with honors. I didn’t apply myself all that much as an undergrad and just skated by based on my natural abilities. I think I ended up with a 3.33 GPA. Not bad but it could have been better. No time like when I’m actually paying for the degree to do well!
Y’all remember that crazy bastard who called me 18 times a day and who I had to toss out of my apartment during the Blogathon? His name was Bill, but Miss Lucy christened him Stalks with Small Penis. Well, Miss Lucy was on my MySpace page to show her daughter a photo of one of my friends, when she saw a comment SWSP had left me many moons ago. We were laughing about that, when Miss Laci took the initiative to go to SWSP’s MySpace page … where she broke the news that SWSP is GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!
BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!
(breath)
BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!
As Miss Lucy asked, Wonder if she’s seen him naked yet???? LOL
Remember this guy, who was keeping his “options open”? Apparently things with the girlfriend finally ended, as he e-mailed me again.
Delete.
I mean, really.
Today was my first interview for the internal position I applied for in my department several weeks ago. The other candidates will have a phone interview, but I had the luxury of an in-person meeting … with my boss and two of the co-workers I work closest with. It was kind of awkward, but I did my best to hit on all of the important points, despite being more casual than I normally would be, if I hadn’t worked with these people every day for 2 to 3 years. I asked my boss to list her ideal skill set for this position and aside from having actual industry experience, I fit all of her qualifications, and told her so and told her how. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more comfortable tooting my own horn, so to speak. If I move on to the next round, the interviews will be the week after next …
On to the asshat … I mentioned the other day that this guy I went out with 3 or 4 times in Jan. 2005 e-mailed me over the weekend. Things fizzled out, and on his end, it ended up being because he was seeing someone else, decided to become exclusive and didn’t know how to tell me. What-evah. That point aside, I wasn’t too irked because, hell, it was two years ago. At my mother’s urging — and hell, what good ever comes of listening to my mother — I e-mailed him back. He replied today.
Now, mind you, I got the impression he was looking for a hook-up. I didn’t put out then and I had no intention of doing so now. But I am a hell of a charming dinner companion and shoot, a free dinner is a free dinner. And honestly, I didn’t remember much about him. Anyways. In my e-mail to him, I said, “So I guess things with that other girl didn’t work out, huh?” It seemed cute at the time, ok?
Ok. Here’s the first part of his e-mail.
“I am still dating her actually. Lately I have been really close to ending it so I have been keeping my options open. Don’t get me wrong I am not one to date around or cheat behind someone’s back but if it gets to the point I want to date someone else I would definitely let her know. I figure talking to others is ok.”
I have been keeping my options open? You don’t “keep your options open” after dating someone for that length of time. You fix the relationship or you break up. Oh my god. I have no idea what he remembers about me that makes him think I’d be down with this. And “talking to others is ok”? I don’t think the ladyfriend would appreciate him going through his e-mail address book to find old “friends.”
And this totally creeped me out — he asked if I still lived in the same apartment complex! Ummmm yeah. We’ll just act like this never happened and I never got any of his e-mails and maybe he’ll just go away ….
I bet I could find a pithy response somewhere on the web … at my renter’s, perhaps? Do pay him a visit. He’s Canadian. They are a very polite people, as a rule. When I was in Toronto years ago, I was lost — and a man in a shop gave me directions. Accurate, safe directions. More than 10 years later, I’m still marvelling at the experience. And wondering why Molson taste better up north.
Inspirational, no?
“I’m gonna make like a nail and press on” was part of the big ending song of the delightful play I saw last night, “The Great American Trailer Park Musical.”
We were a little disappointed in the crowd, as it was more mainstream than usual at this theater, but the play was a peach. I laughed, I cried (from laughing so much) and I was only a teensy bit antsy to sit still for so long.
Beforehand, we had drinks at a favorite restaurant … obviously the last time I was there, I wasn’t buying, as the chocolate decadence martinis (with a hint of raspberry) are a whopping $9.75 each. But what the fuck, I had two. Add in my appetizer of calamari and poof! $37 down the drain, including tip. Owing to our advanced ages (nearly 32 and 36), my companion and I were pooped after the show and the thought of going out to da clubs made my head hurt more than the ragweed in the air. (Wow, if that’s not a candidate for that “worst opening sentence” contest, I don’t know what is.) Anyways. I even had on a delightful new dress which my companion described to another friend, over the phone as, “It’s really nice, actually.” The “actually” earned him a punch in the arm. He blamed it on his two Hypnotiq passion martinis lol.
Oh. I thought of one more person to add to the “alumni week” post from yesterday: As I was waiting at the light nearest my apartment complex, I looked in my rearview mirror and two cars behind me, in a big ol’ red pick-up truck, was, I believe, the young then-virgin Republican I went on two dates about this time last year. He was barely 24 or 25 at the time. His date seemed much more age-appropriate than I … probably a good 10 years younger than me. He was a good date for the story I got out of it — liberal Democrat divorcee dates conservative Republican virgin/squirrel hunter — but that was about it.
So in my last post, I mentioned Pastor Carl, this guy I went out with a few times about a year ago.
While I was still and waiting for the divorce to be final, my dad goaded me into signing up for eharmony.com. I signed up for a month then got a cheap renewal offer — $12/month for 12 months — so I committed for the year. The first guy I went out with, Dave, was pretty cool and we went out 4 or 5 times before it fizzled out. (He was 6′8″ and while we never slept together, I have to admit I was curious lol.)
If you’re not familiar with how eharmony works, you fill out a long-ass questionnaire — which was surprisingly accurate at describing my personality — and you are matched with people with whom are you supposedly very compatible. Carl was one of my matches. I usually waited for the man to contact me, and he did, in this case. He was about five years younger than I and a pastor in a small town, so I was a little concerned about how much we’d have in common. But his e-mails were great and our phone conversations were fun, so we decided to have dinner.
He drove to my place — he lived about 45 minutes away — to pick me up. He was cute, in a conservative kind of way. We had a nice dinner, good conversation, an overall pleasant evening. I don’t think he kissed me. A few days later he called to ask me out again and I agreed. Something changed in his schedule and we decided that we’d just have pizza and hang out at my place. Over the course of the evening we drank some wine — I probably had the better half of the bottle — and watched a movie.
Somewhere in the middle of the movie — I think it was something with Pierce Brosnan — he kissed me. I was surprised at how good of a kisser he was, and returned the kiss. One thing led to another, aided by the wine, and we ended up partially unclothed. Usually in the middle of a hot-and-heavy make-out session, I can feel a guy. At the level, if I don’t feel an erection, I wonder what’s going on. I usually don’t grope around too much, unless I’m interested in taking things further, but I do like to get an idea of what he’s bringing to the table, so to speak.
So we’re kissing, groping, etc., and I slide my hand down, and … could only feel a tiny bit of hardness. Huh? I thought, well, maybe it’s his underwear. lol. So we started removing clothing and when his pants came off, nope, there it was … the Methodist pastor was going commando. Thank God my face was towards his dick because I’m sure my jaw dropped … fully erect it was about the size of a SALT SHAKER!
I thought, noooo, that CAN’T be it! I tried every trick in my arsenal, but nope, it stayed the same size. He’s moaning like crazy and I’m thinking, what the hell is THIS? But I was too freaked out to think clearly, and didn’t want to be a total bitch and kick his ass out because his wee-wee is well, wee. So we ended up in the bedroom. He asked me if I was on the pill and I said that I was. After a few minutes of foreplay, the good pastor starts acting like he’s gonna stick it in. I stopped him and said, “Condom!”
He said, “I don’t do well with condoms. They don’t really fit.”
You don’t say?
But I insisted and I’ll be damned if the condom didn’t fit. It just hung there on his tiny little erect penis. So obviously intercourse was out. Then he says that he wants to pleasure me. All right, think I. Nope, not even good at that. I was too weirded out to even try to fake it.
So we’re lying in my bed, and he says, “I know that I’m small. That’s why my fiance left me.” WTF? I was like, “Oh no, you’re fine!” Then he goes on into this big story about how he couldn’t satisfy her unless they used toys, etc. I was wondering (a) why he was so eager to get into bed with me, knowing he had this issue and (b) how the hell I’m going to get him out of my apartment.
Then he made my decision clear.
He hugged me and said, “I love you.”
What. The. Fuck.
I excused myself to use the restroom. The way my apartment is set up, my closet connects my bedroom and bathroom, so I was able to get some clothes, and came back to bed wearing a sweater and panties. I said I was cold. Then I started yawning and said, “Wow, I didn’t realize it was so late. I hate to kick you out, but you have a long drive.”
He left, thankfully, then a few days later e-mailed me, asking me out again. Oh Lord. I hate to say I ignored the e-mail. Then when he e-mailed me again, I replied that he was a good man, but I just didn’t think I was right for him.
Now everyone knows about Pastor Carl and his salt-shaker dick. ; )
I almost cancelled my match.com subscription last night. It was after midnight, I was wide awake and felt like being decisive. Then I talked myself out of it. I am a Libra, after all. This morning I had an e-mail from Jesse (read a recap here).
Jesse and I went out twice in October, had plans for a third date but he got called out of town on business, I was working my hellacious part-time job and our schedules just got in the way. We spoke on the phone and kept making plans but it just never worked out. I went out with Mark the following week but fondly thought of Jesse on occasion. He’s probably my favorite of the guys that I’ve gone out with.
Last week he showed up in my “who’s viewed me” list on match.com, three months after we last spoke. I sent him a “hey, what’s going on???” e-mail, he replied, I sent another e-mail and then he replied today. This is what he wrote, after a few sentences about his job and being in NYC last week:
So, have you seen anything good in your never-ending sinus infected couch time? I love movies. I can never get enough of them.
“Back to school! Back to school, to prove to Dad that I’m not a fool! I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight! Ohhhh, back to school! Back to school! Back to school! Well, here goes nothing!” I would be super impressed if you knew that quote. I am always quoting movies. To me, everyday life is just translating it into the story lines of movies.
So, you are going back to school? Very nice. It sounds like you are excited about it. I assume you will be going to school here in Indianapolis?
Well, I hope everything else is going well and I will talk with you soon. — Jesse
I want to think he isn’t writing just to be nice … I guess in my next e-mail I think I’ll ask him how match.com is working out for him, mention I dated a guy for a couple months but it ended in January, and say that my subscription is up in about three weeks and I don’t think I’m going to renew …
Could be that he’s too busy. Could be that he’s seeing someone. Could be that we go out again …
