Last night, I had a fun-filled evening watching the Wings game (even though they lost, it was still a great game, or at least a great 3rd period), chatting with some cute boy in the UK and yapping on Twitter. Then I couldn’t sleep. Until 2:30 a.m. I’m blaming the excitement of the game and the gallons of Crystal Light “energy” I drank yesterday. No more of that shit for me. I’ll stick to the non-energizing Crystal Light, tyvm. I totally overslept this morning, too; completely turned off my alarm. I woke up at 8:03, threw on some clothes, fed the cats and ran out the door. Ugh. At least it is Thursday and not Monday!
I have been thinking for quite some time that I need to take a break from dating, not that I’m dating right now. If all goes well, I’ll be having my weight-loss surgery in late summer/early fall, and that will be a HUGE adjustment/transformation. I can barely handle casual dating now, with the added workload of school … how could I deal with dating when I’m pretty much re-learning to eat? If I had a steady boyfriend, that would be one thing. But I don’t. I have ex-boyfriends who look at my online profile. Yes, I’ve talked to MM here and there but I know that as things stand, he’s not right for me. He doesn’t have time for me and I don’t have time for him.
So why can’t I make a clean break from the dating scene? It frustrates me, it disappoints me, it makes me want to run around Indianapolis screaming my fool head off. No one I meet is going to be “right” for me because I am not right for me now, you know? I can’t spread myself anymore thinly than I have. I barely have time for my friends at times and as an adult woman, I know better than to cut out the girls for the sake of spending time with a boy … because the girls have been there and will be there and I need to be there for them.
There’s a reason I’ve been saying that I am a good date and a bad girlfriend … because I don’t have anything to give. I don’t have the patience or energy to put into getting to know someone new … or getting to re-know someone who has disappointed me in the past. I still have feelings for MM but right now they are more of the “friend” variety. We had chemistry but it was a lot of work to get there, you know? It was easy when we were together, but there was a lot that kept us apart. And I don’t want to fight for someone’s attention or affection.
As much as I bitch about my ex-husband, I have to admit, his good qualities are kind of a yardstick for me. It still breaks my heart to think about when he told me that he didn’t know if anyone would ever “get” him like I did … and I gotta say, sometimes I feel the same way. But, I don’t believe in just one soul mate, I think we can love multiple people in our lifetimes and it doesn’t diminish the love we felt previously for someone else. Just because I loved Josh fiercely at one time doesn’t mean I won’t love someone different fiercely as well. Just not now. Because I need to find that fierce love for myself.
And now I’m going to go cry … so keep your fingers crossed that no one comes back to my cube for the next few minutes. LOL
That I would still be wide awake at nearly midnight the night before I have to go back to work. Le sigh. I didn’t even nap today! Or sleep in that late! Or drink caffeine, for pete’s sake!
The Red Wings game totally kicked ass; they won 3-0. They’ve had shut-outs in the first 2 games of the series. Two games down, two to go to win.
I was on some site today and was reading — what else? — relationship articles, and there was one that interested me. It was about the dating mistakes of the characters on Sex in the City. So I took the quiz, fully expecting, from the descriptions, to be Carrie or Miranda. Nope, I was a Samantha. I was like, whatev, but the description does fit:
When you meet the hotties you are into no-strings-attached sex. Often you have the thought, “I don’t need or want a relationship.” But sometimes you meet a guy, have great sex in his king-sized bed and open up not only sexually but emotionally. Everything is unfolding perfectly. Too perfectly. After the cozy coupling and three hour confessionals you start to like the guy and get scared to death. You find yourself running away while secretly hoping he’ll chase after you. Your deeper fear about being entangled and hurt in a relationship surfaces like a Loch Ness monster and starts running the show. You pull back and become unavailable, distant or quiet–or you act crazy and dump him. Even if he acts loving, you insist that he doesn’t really care about you. You may even tell him to see other girls. It happens almost against your own will and for no particular reason. In spite of how you chased him away, you still sit there waiting for his text, email, or phone call. And it never comes. You secretly or not-so-secretly want the guy to chase after you but he doesn’t. Try as you might you just can’t seem to overcome this dead-end pattern, which I call Chase Me. It happens time and time again.
Umm yeah. Guilty as charged. I am very skilled at pulling back and creating distance. God forbid a guy should think that I am interested in him. Le sigh. I really need to work on that.
I sort of assumed you weren’t seeing anyone — or else you wouldn’t be here. So I assure you I wasn’t attempting to be roundabout regarding anything. Guess I was just confused in thinking that you were writing for a living or something. And you are indeed correct that I sent you something too.
Umm yeah. I do write for a living. Just not porn.
My reply:
I do write for a living, however, I write for financial-aid administrators, and that work is far from what I sent you. Forgive me for misinterpreting your remark; generally, writings about Return of Title IV Funds and sex are not referenced in the same paragraph.
This morning I received an IM from MM, the first I’ve heard from him in over 3 weeks.
Good Morning, Sunshine! How you doing?
Are. You. Fucking. Serious????
Because it was work IM, I ignored his ass instead of letting forth a fury of multi-syllabic swear words. Then I saw him a few hours later when I went to the cafeteria to grab something for lunch; he was at the Atari machine that’s down there. (Un)fortunately, he was gone by the time I went to pay. I wanted to be able to laugh at him and say, “Dude, it’s been THREE WEEKS!” when he spoke to me.
Oh well.
In other news, last night I remembered a steamy story that Scott #1 wrote for me back in the day. Holy hell, I was ready to drive the six blocks to his apartment after reading it. He must have had the same thought, because this morning I had an email from him that ended with, “For whom are you writing these days? I recall that you sent me a work of fiction once.” In my reply, I reminded him of the story he wrote me (which I had to read again on my phone, for good measure LOL) and told him that if his question was a roundabout way of asking if I were seeing anyone, the answer was “no.”
I dated Scott #1 in the spring of 2006 for three or four months. At the time it seemed to me like we’d take two steps forward, then one step back. Of course I blamed it on him being a douche; isn’t that always the case? Ahem. Anyway, over time, I realized that I had a lot to do with how the relationship worked out. I knew that he wanted more than I could give, but I didn’t realize at the time how little he was asking for, you know? It’s not like he wanted a commitment right away, he just wanted what I want — someone who is emotionally available.
Scott and I have been looking at each other’s match profiles for weeks … this happens every few months. I see that he checked me out, so I check him out. Repeat ad nauseum. Last night, I decided enough was enough; to me, it felt like I was consciously ignoring someone that I knew. So I sent him a hey, how are you, blah blah blah email. He replied and we exchanged probably 4 or 5 messages, about school, living downtown and politics, because we are both raving liberals.
I didn’t reply to his last message and while I was lying in bed last night, I decided it was time that I apologized to him, for no other reason than I wanted him to know that I was sorry. Here’s what I sent him this morning –
I wanted to apologize to you for the way I was back when we were dating. At the time, I thought that being a year out from my divorce was no big deal, but I was in no way emotionally ready to be dating anyone. I distinctly remember you telling me that it would be nice if I let you see my vulnerable side and that I used to humor as a shield, and I swear to God my immediate response, which I did not share, was to think, “Who are you, my therapist?!” I believe that is what is called a red flag. ;-p. Anyway, I did the best that I could at the time, which really wasn’t much at all, and for that, I’m sorry, because I did enjoy your company. — Monique
I know I screwed over a lot of guys because I didn’t realize the depth of my pain at the time. As long as I had a man’s attention, I didn’t have to deal with the pain and grief over the loss of my marriage. I told Miss Sodapop she was rubbing off on me, but with characteristic humility, she transferred the praise to the 12-step groups. It’s amazing what attending two meetings has done for me.
And now I’m going to cry some tears of relief and happiness, because that’s how I feel right now.
Jason emailed me again last Thursday during the hockey game; we exchanged a few more messages. Today I looked at his MySpace page (our pages are both private and we’re not MySpace friends anymore) and his status said, “Jason has a giddy feeling that can’t be shaken.” Of course he could be giddy over any number of things but you know what? I don’t care. So I blocked him from being able to communicate with me via match.com. It isn’t good for me to be talking to him. If he wanted to see me, he would have asked by now, and if he just hasn’t gotten around to it, well, he’ll figure out a way if he works hard enough.
Last night I worked on school-related stuff until 10 p.m. Blech. I just now finished watching my 5th and final lecture for this week. I also wrote a discussion posting that was due today and read through the marketing research for our online simulation and crunched some numbers for that. I have another conference call tonight at 8:30, and I still have to start in on my book (60 pages to read). Le sigh.
This afternoon I ended up emailing Jason back. He replied immediately, as usual. More hockey discussions, of course, then I mentioned I got fried dill pickle chips for lunch (coincidentally from the same restaurant we went to on our first date lol). Maybe 3 or 4 emails went back and forth, that’s it. I told my coworker Mary that if I felt cuter today I would have gone to his work, marched in and called him out on his hockey bullshit.
Last night I re-read my blog posts from last June and July. One of the posts contained his explanatory email. I don’t think he meant to be a total douche, just like I didn’t mean to scream every obscenity that I know at him lol (ok I meant that at the time), but it was still a disaster. Dizz-ass-ter. So I don’t know. I don’t really foresee these chit-chats going anywhere. I don’t even know if there would still be a spark there. We took so much time and energy from each other, it was this constant whirlwind of activity, all revolving around each other. I really didn’t do anything other than spend time with him or text him when we were apart.
Regardless, I’m not feeling like I want to stick my neck out there for anyone right now, at least any man. Today a coworker asked me about MM and was shocked that I hadn’t talked to him in more than a week. I was just kind of indignant, you know, like how can he ignore me? ME! And really, the reason why I haven’t called him out on his bullshit is that I don’t want to hear the reason why. I don’t want to hear that it’s because of me; I’d rather just keep on thinking that he’s a douche. I still hear Mark’s words in my head and that break up was more than 2 years ago — he told me that I was everything he should be attracted to, but he just wasn’t. Yeah, thanks, big guy. I believe he reiterated that a few times too. The honesty was much appreciated. Not.
I’ve had this song in my head all day. Please do enjoy the great Don’t Stop Believing …
I did my civic duty and cast my vote today for Obama. I was kinda pissy because they didn’t have any “I Voted!” stickers. WTF? Being a show-off and all obnoxious about having voted is one of the best parts about voting! Pffft.
This morning I got into the elevator with this young man who asked how my day was, in a very cheery voice. I said, fine, and asked how his was. Then he told me his name was William. Oookay. I said, “Hi, William. I’m Monique.” (All of this happened between the 1st and 3rd floors.) After William exited the elevator I turned to the guy who had gotten in on the 2nd floor (coincidentally the guy who threw his keys at me) and said, “His name is William. He introduced himself to me.” We then proceeded to make fun of poor William. Key-throwing guy’s suggestion was to ask William, the next time I saw him, if he had that report done. LOL Yes, key-throwing guy and I are both doing our part to remain civil. Nothing else has been thrown.
Today I signed into my Match.com account and saw that a pop-up I had never seen before. It said that [the motherfucker] wanted to IM with me. I was like, WTF? and of course, because this involved the motherfucker, I panicked and closed out of Match. LOL Later on I emailed him, curiosity aroused, and basically said, “What was that about?”
Get this: He wanted to talk about hockey! Fuck me. He emailed back, “I was going to say ‘Go Wings!’” OMFG. We e-mailed a few times and I didn’t reply to his last one. Motherfucking bite me, ya know? I was like, come ON, I am not the only person in the world to fucking discuss hockey with!
Of course, everyone I told basically wanted to slap me for even CONSIDERING talking to him, let alone actually doing it. Sodapop and Laci (and maybe even Lucy) all chimed in, and at the office, Chris said, “And what makes you think he isn’t going to be a jerk this time?” to which I maturely replied, “I KNOOOOOOW!” while spinning in my desk chair.
Le sigh.
Sodapop told me I should tell him to leave me the fuck alone. But I can’t. No, I won’t. There’s a difference. I won’t tell him to leave me alone because I don’t want to.
I ended up driving to the Ville Friday evening … I fucking flew down there and made it to Miss Sodapop’s apartment at about 7:05 p.m. As soon as I got there, we left for a GA meeting. This was the second meeting that I have attended, the first in the Ville. There is quite the collection of characters, let me tell you, including one gentleman who persistently petted Miss Sodapop’s arm, causing me to giggle during the middle of the meeting. He’s … intense.
I gotta tell you, though, I continued to be amazed and humbled by the work that people in this 12-step program have done on themselves. The individuals who have been in the program for a while and are working/have worked the steps are some of the most honest, caring and perceptive people I have met. Miss Sodapop was the meeting chair and she chose the topic of “change” to discuss. I think just about everyone in the room shared, including me. Now, keep in mind that just about everyone on the fucking planet calls Miss Sodapop by a different first name than I know her as. So I had to remember to use that name, which always freaks me out LOL. Anyway, I think I surprised Miss Sodapop by speaking up, but she is just such an awesome person, I had to. I didn’t know her before, but the Sodapop I know now is one of the best friends I have ever had. It turned into a bit of a cryfest, as she was already in tears, I was in tears, but it was a good girlie moment.
Afterwards, we stopped at Wal-mart then went back to her place to make yummeh dip because we were both starving. I hadn’t eaten since about 11:30 a.m. and it was about 9 p.m. when we got back to her place. I watched Rent for the first time and really liked it, although I was seriously bummed out by part of it and told Miss Sodapop that watching the move so frequently can not be good for her mental health LOL.
During the night, I slept on the couch and Miss Chloe the Chiweenie came out NINE motherfucking times during the night to see me. Ok, I shouldn’t swear, she’s the cutest little thing ever, but srsly. NINE TIMES? And she licks. Oh how she licks. A few times I got her to calm down and she slept by me for a while. Her collar jingles so at least she can’t sneak up on you.
Saturday we did some running around, took naps and then met Miss Laci and a friend for dinner at a yummeh Cuban restaurant. Now, we were a bit prejudiced against this friend because of some things Laci had told us about him and well, because, Laci is not only our girl, she’s the baby bitch (being a mere 28 to the rest of us post-30+ bitches). Miss Sodapop fucking went to town on this guy. OMG. That is one of her skills; she is direct and isn’t afraid to ask the hard questions. A few times I kicked Miss Laci under the table and well, I won’t tell you what I was mouthing to her, but *I* thought it was funny.
Today, I went to the largest church I have ever been too. There were escalators in the entrance. ESCALATORS. The sanctuary has stadium seating and had, I think, three levels. In the church bulletin, it said that last week, they had nearly 17,000 people attend worship. Holy cow. The service was totally different from I’m used to (I’m not demonstrative in church, yo) but the message was good and I am slowly getting over my dislike of “rock” type music in church. Not that I have any philosophical reasons against it, it’s just that most of the time it’s not very good!
Miss Sodapop and I sat with her friends GB and BB during the service, then met up again at Bravo for lunch. Yummeh. And Miss Sodapop ended up with half of a rosemary chicken panini because it had mayo on it and I didn’t want to risk eating it after a two-hour drive back home!
And now … back to work tomorrow. Dinner with MM on Tuesday so I suppose I’ll be thinking about that tomorrow night. I might invite myself to his house this weekend … well, bring the topic up and see how it goes over. We shall see!
My bathroom is really small and there’s no fan to remove the steam, so it gets pretty humid in there. For the past few days, since it’s been warmer, I’ve waited until I got to work to put on my make-up, because it would just melt if I put it on at home. This morning I got to work, sans cosmetics, dark circles under my eyes and weird red blotches (sorry, forgot the name already lol) still on my face. I was out of cash so I went down to the 2nd floor to use the ATM. That one was being serviced so I grudgingly went to the first floor to use that ATM. But, without cash, I wasn’t getting my coffee and bagel!
I was waiting for my moola when I heard, “Hey!” … and OF COURSE it’s MM. This is the first time I have seen him at work … and it’s been over two months. Great. Apparently he didn’t mind my hideous appearance because we chatted for a while in the lobby (about the Wonder Twins, no less) then he asked me for dinner. He said he was available “Tonight, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday …” lol We settled on next Tuesday.
I had a great workout with the trainer today. Despite my paltry exercising, the 10 weeks I’ve been working out with her once a week have made a difference, as I can tell in my strength and stamina. Today she made me use 25 lb. dumbells for a couple of arm exercises. Holy fuck, that’s heavy. For the second set, she let me use the weighted bar … probably because I was tired, my form was off and she was afraid one of the dumbells was going to end up on her foot!
She’s so sweet, I thought she was going to cry when I told her that last week, when we climbed the stairs, I didn’t even really notice, even though it was 2 or 3 flights. No huffing or puffing. And she’s already doing research into what we can do after my surgery. $200 for 10 sessions is a chunk of change for me but I need someone to push me … because left to my own devices, my ass is parked on the couch.
I forgot that I told my friend D. that I would go to a fundraiser at her church tomorrow night; Chris and I were going to bail then we felt guilty. So, I’ll be driving to the Ville afterwards and arrive about 11, hopefully. This thing starts at 7, and if it’s not over by 9, I’m leaving anyway. Gotta see mahbitches.
