Last night, I had a fun-filled evening watching the Wings game (even though they lost, it was still a great game, or at least a great 3rd period), chatting with some cute boy in the UK and yapping on Twitter. Then I couldn’t sleep. Until 2:30 a.m. I’m blaming the excitement of the game and the gallons of Crystal Light “energy” I drank yesterday. No more of that shit for me. I’ll stick to the non-energizing Crystal Light, tyvm. I totally overslept this morning, too; completely turned off my alarm. I woke up at 8:03, threw on some clothes, fed the cats and ran out the door. Ugh. At least it is Thursday and not Monday!

I have been thinking for quite some time that I need to take a break from dating, not that I’m dating right now. If all goes well, I’ll be having my weight-loss surgery in late summer/early fall, and that will be a HUGE adjustment/transformation. I can barely handle casual dating now, with the added workload of school … how could I deal with dating when I’m pretty much re-learning to eat? If I had a steady boyfriend, that would be one thing. But I don’t. I have ex-boyfriends who look at my online profile. Yes, I’ve talked to MM here and there but I know that as things stand, he’s not right for me. He doesn’t have time for me and I don’t have time for him.

So why can’t I make a clean break from the dating scene? It frustrates me, it disappoints me, it makes me want to run around Indianapolis screaming my fool head off. No one I meet is going to be “right” for me because I am not right for me now, you know? I can’t spread myself anymore thinly than I have. I barely have time for my friends at times and as an adult woman, I know better than to cut out the girls for the sake of spending time with a boy … because the girls have been there and will be there and I need to be there for them.

There’s a reason I’ve been saying that I am a good date and a bad girlfriend … because I don’t have anything to give. I don’t have the patience or energy to put into getting to know someone new … or getting to re-know someone who has disappointed me in the past. I still have feelings for MM but right now they are more of the “friend” variety. We had chemistry but it was a lot of work to get there, you know? It was easy when we were together, but there was a lot that kept us apart. And I don’t want to fight for someone’s attention or affection.

As much as I bitch about my ex-husband, I have to admit, his good qualities are kind of a yardstick for me. It still breaks my heart to think about when he told me that he didn’t know if anyone would ever “get” him like I did … and I gotta say, sometimes I feel the same way. But, I don’t believe in just one soul mate, I think we can love multiple people in our lifetimes and it doesn’t diminish the love we felt previously for someone else. Just because I loved Josh fiercely at one time doesn’t mean I won’t love someone different fiercely as well. Just not now. Because I need to find that fierce love for myself.

And now I’m going to go cry … so keep your fingers crossed that no one comes back to my cube for the next few minutes. LOL