I dated Scott #1 in the spring of 2006 for three or four months. At the time it seemed to me like we’d take two steps forward, then one step back. Of course I blamed it on him being a douche; isn’t that always the case? Ahem. Anyway, over time, I realized that I had a lot to do with how the relationship worked out. I knew that he wanted more than I could give, but I didn’t realize at the time how little he was asking for, you know? It’s not like he wanted a commitment right away, he just wanted what I want — someone who is emotionally available.

Scott and I have been looking at each other’s match profiles for weeks … this happens every few months. I see that he checked me out, so I check him out. Repeat ad nauseum. Last night, I decided enough was enough; to me, it felt like I was consciously ignoring someone that I knew. So I sent him a hey, how are you, blah blah blah email. He replied and we exchanged probably 4 or 5 messages, about school, living downtown and politics, because we are both raving liberals.

I didn’t reply to his last message and while I was lying in bed last night, I decided it was time that I apologized to him, for no other reason than I wanted him to know that I was sorry. Here’s what I sent him this morning –

I wanted to apologize to you for the way I was back when we were dating. At the time, I thought that being a year out from my divorce was no big deal, but I was in no way emotionally ready to be dating anyone. I distinctly remember you telling me that it would be nice if I let you see my vulnerable side and that I used to humor as a shield, and I swear to God my immediate response, which I did not share, was to think, “Who are you, my therapist?!” I believe that is what is called a red flag. ;-p. Anyway, I did the best that I could at the time, which really wasn’t much at all, and for that, I’m sorry, because I did enjoy your company. — Monique

I know I screwed over a lot of guys because I didn’t realize the depth of my pain at the time. As long as I had a man’s attention, I didn’t have to deal with the pain and grief over the loss of my marriage. I told Miss Sodapop she was rubbing off on me, but with characteristic humility, she transferred the praise to the 12-step groups. It’s amazing what attending two meetings has done for me.

And now I’m going to cry some tears of relief and happiness, because that’s how I feel right now.

∗ Posted by Monique on 05.13.2008
∗ Love life, My life