I have been overweight for most of my life. Although I didn’t know it at the time, I used food as comfort during my father’s then-active alcoholism. I used food for comfort because I wasn’t getting the reassurance that, as a child, I needed. We didn’t talk about his drinking (in fact, we still don’t, at least not as a whole family, and my mother doesn’t like to consider the topic at all). We didn’t talk about feelings or emotions. If I had a dollar for every time I heard my mother say, “Oh, Monique” in that tone of voice, I wouldn’t have to work today. What brought on “Oh, Monique”? Anything. It could be an admission of vulnerability on my part. It could be a question about our family. It could be an attempt to have a conversation that went below the surface. Even now, at the age of 33, that tone in my mother’s voice makes me die a little inside.
My father has been sober for more than 20 years. But he fell victim to what is now called cross-addiction. In my opinion, he never dealt with the real reasons behind his addiction to alcohol (and I don’t know what those reasons are, although I know it’s partly because he felt inadequate in comparison to his brother) so he transferred that addiction to food. He is very overweight, and it breaks my heart.
My brother exercises like a fiend to avoid gaining weight. Fortunately for him, he has a natural athleticism that I feel like I lack. I have many memories of being made fun of in gym class, of being the last person picked for a team, of wanting to crawl into a hole and die rather than be forced to play a sport. I’ve always said that I didn’t have any rhythm. Like, none. But my trainer keeps telling me that whenever she times me or has me use the ridiculous metronome, I am spot on. And it made me think, do I avoid things like dancing because I don’t want to draw attention to myself? A lifetime of being overweight will do that to you.
Everyone has seen a bad dancer, the person out on the floor who has no moves whatsoever. But when that person is fat, it takes the ridicule to a whole new level. I know you know what I mean. Overweight people are constantly reminded that they are that way. Instead of being a bitch, you’re a fat bitch. Instead of being stupid, you’re fat and stupid. Etc., ad nauseum. Believe me, I know I’m overweight. I see myself in the mirror every day.
Don’t think that I am down on myself, because I’m not. I have many, many friends. In fact, when I was thinking about who my mom will need to call after my weight-loss surgery, I was laughing out loud at myself; really, we’ll need a phone tree so my mom doesn’t have to make a dozen or more calls. And that is a very nice problem to have. I date; I meet men who are attracted to me. Does being overweight make it more difficult to date? Sure. Some men aren’t interested in heavier women. I can understand that. I’m not attracted to every overweight man I meet nor am I attracted to every thin man I meet.
When I started this process towards weight-loss surgery, I had to compile a list of my weight-loss attempts. Here’s what I remembered:
- Age 10, dr. recommended weight loss of 20 lbs. No formal diet; I lost maybe 5 lbs.
- Age 12, Weight Watchers with my mother. Loss of approximately 5-10 lbs.
- Age 15, diet and exercise. Loss of 20 lbs, maintained for 2 years then regained.
- Age 19, diet and exercise. Loss of 30 lbs., maintained for 1 year then regained after knee injury.
- Age 19, intensive physical therapy after knee injury. Loss of 20 lbs.
- Age 21, Weight Watchers. Loss of 25 lbs., maintained for appx. 1 year then regained.
- Age 21, Slim Fast. Loss of 10 lbs, regained after stopping Slim Fast.
- Age 21, Atkins diet. Loss of 15 lbs., regained after stopping Atkins diet.
- Age 24, Atkins diet. Loss of 70 lbs. Maintained for 1 year while following Atkins, then regained after stopping Atkins diet.
- Age 25, Atkins diet. Loss of 15 lbs. Maintained for a few months then regained.
- Age 29, divorce-related stress. Loss of 15 lbs. Maintained for 18 months then regained.
- Age 30, diet and exercise, loss of 15 lbs. Regained after becoming ill and unable to exercise for several weeks.
- Age 32, Weight Watchers. Loss of 25 lbs. Weight plus additional 20 lbs. regained over following 6 months.
Believe me, the decision to permanently change the workings of my stomach is not one that I take lightly or entered into without careful consideration. This operation is a weight-loss tool. It is not the cure-all. I have seen people gain the weight back. I have seen people develop other addictions. And I have seen people succeed beyond their wildest dreams.
I am having this operation for me. No one else. I’m not doing this because I want a boy to like me. I’m not doing this because being a normal weight will make my life sunshine and roses 24/7. I’m not doing this because I want to buy a bunch of new clothes (ok, well, that’s part of it). I’m doing this because I want to be healthy. I want to be strong. And most importantly, I want to live a very long and very active life.
If you read this blog and you don’t understand, you should really be grateful, you know? Because it means that you have never experienced the pain of being obese. And I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone.
As you probably heard from the other midwestern bloggers, there was an earthquake this morning. I woke this morning to my bed shaking. Now I was a bit groggy but it didn’t take too long to figure out what was going on … I was just shocked at how long the tremors lasted. I swear my building even shook. It felt like EVERYTHING was moving. Nothing fell off the walls though; some of my colleagues said photos fell down or off walls at their homes.
Then I went back to sleep.
I actually forgot all about it until I turned on the radio in the car (couldn’t find my iPod) and the DJ mentioned it. I was like, I’ll be damned. LOL I think it was a 5.2 on the Richter scale at the epicenter (in Illinois). It was definitely the strongest earthquake I’ve felt. Then again, the only other one I remember was about 20 years ago in Michigan!
There was an aftershock about 11:15; we were in a staff meeting and the floor started to shake. It was much less severe but definitely noticeable.
This afternoon I went to see my surgeon. Really nice guy. He said either the Lap band or gastric bypass would work for me, but I chose the bypass for 2 reasons. One, the weight loss is greater, and two, I won’t be able to eat sweets and high-fat foods. With the Lap band you don’t have that restriction and hello, I’d be popping jelly bellys again like there’s no tomorrow. The next step is to attend two nutrition classes (couldn’t get into those until the end of May) and meet with the psychologist at the beginning of June. After that, my paperwork will be submitted for insurance approval.
I’m excited. It’s like now I have the motivation to start eating better and exercising consistently because there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I had dinner with my friend Kim tonight and she was just raving about how beautiful I am now and how I’ll be that much prettier when I’m happier with myself. Ah, I love the fawning friends. 
I told the dietitian that I am at my highest weight ever. When she asked me why I started thinking about the surgery, I told her that the final straw really was when I got on the scale in November in the fitness center. I. Was. Shocked. I knew I had gained weight but fuck me, that much? Ugh. They stress over and over again that this surgery is just a tool. It’s not the end-all and be-all of weight loss … and I’ll have to do work to figure out WHY I eat like I do. The danger of cross-addiction is great, one reason why they ask patients to abstain from alcohol forever. I can’t really argue with that, given my dad’s issues, but still. I’ll survive, though. Ugh.
MM is going to be at a mini convention tomorrow, hawking his “B&B.” How do I know this? Because my girl Gigi is running the show and she told me about it … I wouldn’t be surprised if she marched her ass over to him and introduced herself. I know I would if the tables were turned LOL. I’m interested in her assessment of him. I’ve decided that I’m not going to contact again; it’s up to him. Pffft ….
I. Am. So. Tired. Tonight, the evil trainer made me work out outside. I srsly think it was to stop me from bitching, because I have to admit, it was gorgeous out today. Warm and breezy and sunny …. ahhhh. She had me do all of these God-awful exercises with resistance bands. I had no idea my arms could shake so much after a minute of exercises! But tonight was the first time that I could actually feel stronger … we were walking outside, around the building, and I climbed up two flights of stairs without a problem. I think we walked 3 miles in all. I’m going to buy a set of resistance bands to keep at home … they’re the devil but simple to use.
Tomorrow is my consult with the bariatric surgeon. I’m excited to find out more. Unfortunately I have to leave right after a 90-minute staff meeting (who schedules meetings from 11-12:30 and doesn’t provide lunch?!) so I’ll have to bring something I can snack on in the car for lunch. I would feel terrible showing up at the surgeon’s office having just wolfed in McD’s! LOL
The Red Wings are fucking falling apart. They let the Predators — the 8th seed — even out the series last night. I was so disgusted I turned the game off with about 6 minutes left in the 2nd period. There’s another game tomorrow night and then hopefully the Wings will capture the series on Sunday. If it goes to a game 7, I will be a wreck next Tuesday. Games like that stress me out. I have to watch but I can’t watch, ya know? The only bright side is that I get to send Ricardo snarky e-mails because he hates hockey with a passion. I’ll convert him one of these years.
The beautiful spring weather cured my mood from earlier and fuck it, I’m still making lasagna for dinner! I logged into my match.com account today, just to see what’s going on, and a guy I dated about 2 years ago had viewed my profile. He does so every so often. MM and I haven’t talked about any sort of commitment so I’m going to look for other men to date. That should give me some perspective. I’m too fabulous to be moping, damn it!
Last night I was lying awake, thinking about MM and my feelings for him. Like I’ve said before, I’m just not 100%, ya know? And part of it is time … with his house, if we spend time together, it’s with a bunch of other people around, or we hang out during the week, which isn’t a best-case scenario either. I pretty much knew that from the get-go but it’s still annoying to have to make other plans on the weekend. I had planned to share my concerns with MM tonight, not really in a way that showed ambivalence but more like, what can we do about this?
But … his father is in poor health … dementia and other issues … and apparently has taken a turn for the worse. MM texted me while I was at lunch asking if we could reschedule for next week, then clarifying that the family is having a conference call tonight (they are all in different states) to discuss the options for his father’s care. So now I get to watch the debate and the Red Wings game, uninterrupted, but I also have to deal with these nagging doubts for a few more days.
It sucks that we’re both so busy. I usually have something going on every night of the week, it seems, and then the weekends are a crap shoot. I have plans both Friday and Saturday nights but I’d like to spend some time curled up with MM too. I like MM a lot but the timing might just not be right on this one or I may need to reevaluate what I’m willing to deal with …
Well, I’m not sure it’s really a good deed if it’s self-serving, but still. Yesterday was my coworker D’s birthday. We all went out to lunch (ugh) but didn’t get a cake. Last night I was thinking, hmmm, it will be her last birthday with a cake (she’s having a gastric bypass at the end of the month) so I found a yummy recipe. The dessert had a cream cheese filling and of course I licked the beaters … cream cheese and sugar is tres delish. I also had a wee bit of the dessert when it was done.
About midnight I woke up with stomach cramps … and it was all downhill from there. This morning I still felt like — no pun intended — crap so I decided to stay home. I was either in the bathroom or in bed until about 2 p.m. The stomach issues have stopped but I still feel icky. Blech.
I picked up my apartment a little tonight but I’m not sure if MM is coming over tomorrow — this is the week for some sort of implementation — so I’m not going to bust my ass. ‘Cause that’s how I roll. But if he does come over — or even if he doesn’t — I’ll be making lasagna. Yum yum yum. I PPH lasagna.
I learned a valuable lesson this weekend: Miss Monique is much too old to drink a fuckton of rum and stay up until 3:30 a.m. I am still exhausted.
My trip to MM’s house was much more pleasant than the last time. He was on his best behavior. The 4 other people there were fun, although one of the women was a total drama queen. I spent most of my time talking to the two people who drove up from Kentucky. Nothing too spooky happened, although there were some weird things.
About midnight, I went upstairs to get my glasses and made MM come with me. He was playfully smacking my ass on the stairs and when we got to the third floor, grabbed me to kiss me. He moved in then stopped abruptly and said, “Jesus Christ, you smell like a bottle of rum!” I said something sassy like, “Sorry ’bout ya!” Needles to say, there wasn’t much action on that front. I crashed about 3:30 a.m. and he came to bed about an hour later. Just like before, he snored like a fucking buzzsaw. Ugh. We slept for a few hours then I got up about 9; I was surprised to see the other people up and went back upstairs to get MM out of bed. Everyone cleared out about 11 and MM and I crashed on the couch and loveseat.
I think I drove home about 1:30 p.m. I was so tired, I probably should have just stayed at the house and driven home this morning. Almost as soon as I was in the door of my apartment, I crawled into bed, where I slept for 2 hours … then I was back in bed by 8 p.m. Yeah, I’m the party girl.
This afternoon, MM IM’d me that he got ANOTHER speeding ticket … and it was the same cop who gave him a ticket a few weeks ago. MM was grumpeeeee. It’s a good thing we had the conversation over IM because I was laughing, which I’m sure would not have gone over well at all.
It’s been roughly two months that I’ve been seeing him and while I like him, I’m still moving slowly. This house is a big issue — he’s down there basically every weekend and it’s a lot of work (I cleaned the kitchen and did laundry there). He talks a lot and I tend to drift off and lose track of what he’s saying at times (I guess that’s a gender role-reversal, huh?). And then there is the snoring. UGH! None of those are total deal-breakers though, just signs for caution. My friend S asked me today if MMw was good in bed and she was really surprised when I said I didn’t know … and pointed out this may be a new record for me (which I think it is). He’s going to come over one night this week so, like always, we’ll see how things go …
The cuts continued at work today, although none really affected me. Thirty-five people in marketing at our corporate headquarters, located in another state, were let go. I also heard of a few people in my building. One sales rep was severed, which was a shock. Maybe her performance has slipped since I last worked with her, but I thought there were several others who would go before her.
I actually got some work done today, which is a difference from yesterday! Unfortunately, we were having crazy errors left and right and identified that the source was an upgrade from one of our vendors. This vendor has a history of blaming us whenever something goes wrong and that’s exactly what happened today. If I could bitch-slap the people who signed the contract with this vendor, I so would.
MM IM’d me that his website was up and … uggggggh … asked for my feedback. Holy fuck, y’all. It’s atrocious. Hideous. Words cannot explain how ugly this site is. I am going to suggest he start over with WP. I found a few themes for him. He really like the look of a black background with white text. UGGGGGH. So hard to read. I am going to tell him to think of the comments as coming from a marketing professional, not the girl he’s dating … and I am going to have to be tactful, damn it. Not a strong suit.
I got my nails did after work tonight and saw a new lady. She told me that she liked talking to me because I was funny. Apparently Miss Monique’s charm can cross a language barrier! She is 6 months pregnant. I can’t imagine having to work in a nail place while expecting … that can’t be good for the baby.
My blinds have been rattling whenever it’s windy out. Tonight, I was like, fuck it, and dragged a chair over to the window and was going to pull the blinds down … when I realized THERE WERE TWO INCHES OF OPEN SPACE AT THE TOP OF THE WINDOW! Holy fuck! It’s been like that since I moved in! I was able to push the window up and the blinds have been quiet since. I have already sent off an email to the leasing agent to let her know that whoever “checked” the apartment before I moved in did a really shitty job.
Tomorrow I’m having lunch with my friend Debby (at the Cracker Barrel, y’all!) then heading down to MM’s. It was going to be just the two of us; now there are going to be 4 other people there. He said they seem to be serious ghost hunters. They probably won’t appreciate my snarkiness then. Their loss!
Today. Was. Horrible.
Horrible!
One hundred and twenty sales people, gone.
A department of eight people who sat by me, gone.
Two men who escaped the cuts in January and switched departments, gone.
An entire team of sales that worked with med schools, gone.
Four hundred people in all is what I heard. That includes people who will be let go tomorrow.
I was so panicked today, I thought I was going to be sick. I don’t think I did any work. It was a constant stream of e-mails, IMs and phone calls, everyone trying to find out what everyone else knew. I was e-mailing Laci, Lucy and Sodapop all day, and thank God they were there to calm me down. MM did his best too; he’s been through this so many times at other jobs that it’s old hat to him.
One good thing did come out of today. I was talking about the “good old days” with a colleague (i.e. when we got to travel, eat and drink on the company’s dime) and I remembered the concern that one colleague showed me when we were in Laguna Beach in January 2007 and again early this year. She lives in another state and so we don’t see each other often … her daily questioning — are you ok? you don’t seem like yourself? you’re so much quieter than usual! — was one of the reasons I got help for my depression last year. But I never thanked her.
Today, realizing that, fuck, life is short, people come in and out of your life, I sent her an e-mail, thanking her and explaining what she had done for me. She called me, in tears, and we had a little cryfest over the phone. She’s been there too, she knows what it’s like. And she told me that even though we don’t see each other often, I can use her as a lifeline … and that’s the word she used, lifeline. That made me tear up, especially since BD and I fought like cats and dogs when we worked together, until we had a (tearful, of course) meeting to work out our differences.
Even though it took me a year, I’m glad that I sent that e-mail. Yeah, I would have eventually gotten help, regardless. Depression is no stranger to me. But she’s a major reason why I picked up the phone to call my doctor.
Isn’t it funny how the unexpected blessings in your life often come from places you don’t expect?
If you are employed, be very very grateful tonight. Monday morning, don’t bitch about getting up and going into the office. Be very thankful that you have the opportunity to work, because there are a lot of good people who … well, they deserved better than what they got.
You ever get so grumpy that you get tired of yourself? That’s me right now. Stabby stabby stabby. STABBY!
I have felt mildly nauseated all week and haven’t had much of an appetite … I guess that’s how my stress is manifesting itself this week. Le sigh. I’ve been grumpy as all get out … and lethargic to boot. Just blah. Not myself at all. If it wasn’t for the meds, I’d think it was another dip into depression; if I don’t feel better in a week or two, I’ll go to the dr. for a readjustment because I have been on the same dosage for several months.
I was supposed to have dinner tonight with a friend but she had to cancel on me; we will most likely have lunch on Saturday. Didn’t talk to MM much today, just a few e-mails (he was kinda crabby yesterday afternoon and with my mood today, I figured it was best to stay away lol), so I don’t know if I’m still going down to his house Saturday afternoon. I mentioned that in the last e-mail I sent him but he hadn’t responded the last I checked. If he waits until Friday to say something, Miss Monique’s gonna have alternate plans. ‘Cause that’s just how I am. 
UPDATE: MM must have had a psychic flash of my irritability, because he just called to confirm for Saturday. He was confused and said he was going to be there Friday night. I said, “Will you be there Saturday?!” Finally figured out that he was planning to drive me down there. Ha, not after last time! I told him that I would drive myself. Well, I feel better now that this is cleared up …
