I have been overweight for most of my life. Although I didn’t know it at the time, I used food as comfort during my father’s then-active alcoholism. I used food for comfort because I wasn’t getting the reassurance that, as a child, I needed. We didn’t talk about his drinking (in fact, we still don’t, at least not as a whole family, and my mother doesn’t like to consider the topic at all). We didn’t talk about feelings or emotions. If I had a dollar for every time I heard my mother say, “Oh, Monique” in that tone of voice, I wouldn’t have to work today. What brought on “Oh, Monique”? Anything. It could be an admission of vulnerability on my part. It could be a question about our family. It could be an attempt to have a conversation that went below the surface. Even now, at the age of 33, that tone in my mother’s voice makes me die a little inside.

My father has been sober for more than 20 years. But he fell victim to what is now called cross-addiction. In my opinion, he never dealt with the real reasons behind his addiction to alcohol (and I don’t know what those reasons are, although I know it’s partly because he felt inadequate in comparison to his brother) so he transferred that addiction to food. He is very overweight, and it breaks my heart.

My brother exercises like a fiend to avoid gaining weight. Fortunately for him, he has a natural athleticism that I feel like I lack. I have many memories of being made fun of in gym class, of being the last person picked for a team, of wanting to crawl into a hole and die rather than be forced to play a sport. I’ve always said that I didn’t have any rhythm. Like, none. But my trainer keeps telling me that whenever she times me or has me use the ridiculous metronome, I am spot on. And it made me think, do I avoid things like dancing because I don’t want to draw attention to myself? A lifetime of being overweight will do that to you.

Everyone has seen a bad dancer, the person out on the floor who has no moves whatsoever. But when that person is fat, it takes the ridicule to a whole new level. I know you know what I mean. Overweight people are constantly reminded that they are that way. Instead of being a bitch, you’re a fat bitch. Instead of being stupid, you’re fat and stupid. Etc., ad nauseum. Believe me, I know I’m overweight. I see myself in the mirror every day.

Don’t think that I am down on myself, because I’m not. I have many, many friends. In fact, when I was thinking about who my mom will need to call after my weight-loss surgery, I was laughing out loud at myself; really, we’ll need a phone tree so my mom doesn’t have to make a dozen or more calls. And that is a very nice problem to have. I date; I meet men who are attracted to me. Does being overweight make it more difficult to date? Sure. Some men aren’t interested in heavier women. I can understand that. I’m not attracted to every overweight man I meet nor am I attracted to every thin man I meet.

When I started this process towards weight-loss surgery, I had to compile a list of my weight-loss attempts. Here’s what I remembered:

• Age 10, dr. recommended weight loss of 20 lbs. No formal diet; I lost maybe 5 lbs.
• Age 12, Weight Watchers with my mother. Loss of approximately 5-10 lbs.
• Age 15, diet and exercise. Loss of 20 lbs, maintained for 2 years then regained.
• Age 19, diet and exercise. Loss of 30 lbs., maintained for 1 year then regained after knee injury.
• Age 19, intensive physical therapy after knee injury. Loss of 20 lbs.
• Age 21, Weight Watchers. Loss of 25 lbs., maintained for appx. 1 year then regained.
• Age 21, Slim Fast. Loss of 10 lbs, regained after stopping Slim Fast.
• Age 21, Atkins diet. Loss of 15 lbs., regained after stopping Atkins diet.
• Age 24, Atkins diet. Loss of 70 lbs. Maintained for 1 year while following Atkins, then regained after stopping Atkins diet.
• Age 25, Atkins diet. Loss of 15 lbs. Maintained for a few months then regained.
• Age 29, divorce-related stress. Loss of 15 lbs. Maintained for 18 months then regained.
• Age 30, diet and exercise, loss of 15 lbs. Regained after becoming ill and unable to exercise for several weeks.
• Age 32, Weight Watchers. Loss of 25 lbs. Weight plus additional 20 lbs. regained over following 6 months.

Believe me, the decision to permanently change the workings of my stomach is not one that I take lightly or entered into without careful consideration. This operation is a weight-loss tool. It is not the cure-all. I have seen people gain the weight back. I have seen people develop other addictions. And I have seen people succeed beyond their wildest dreams.

I am having this operation for me. No one else. I’m not doing this because I want a boy to like me. I’m not doing this because being a normal weight will make my life sunshine and roses 24/7. I’m not doing this because I want to buy a bunch of new clothes (ok, well, that’s part of it). I’m doing this because I want to be healthy. I want to be strong. And most importantly, I want to live a very long and very active life.

If you read this blog and you don’t understand, you should really be grateful, you know? Because it means that you have never experienced the pain of being obese. And I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone.