Jason has already taken me out of his top friends on Myspace and replaced me with a girl named Stephanie. He dated a girl named Stephanie. His page title now says “2nd chances are what life is all about.”
I sent him a txt that say “Makes sense now. 2nd chances, Stephanie … go fuck yourself. Glad I found out now what love means to you.”
This is what I get in return:
“I first have to apologize for things that have happened. I want to start at the beginning of all of this, so that by the time I make it to the end, maybe you will understand. Three weeks ago, I was dating a girl, much like yourself (not as sassy). I had just filed for my divorce 7 months ago, I met a girl and she started out to be the girl of my dreams. I never used the excuse that she was a rebound girl, she was just everything I was looking for in a new partner.
The problem with this girl is that over time, she didn’t and wouldn’t treat me or give me the attention that I continued to give to her. I became frustrated, I felt that maybe there was some doubt as to her actions and things that she might be doing. I never accused her of anything. About 4 weeks ago, we decided that we were going to part ways. Exchanged words and said a lot of things that were angry towards the other.
She said that she wouldn’t and couldn’t be the person that I wanted her to be. She had so much going on in her life that she was overlooking what was most important to her, which was me.
I was devestated, in a fit of anger, I signed up for Match.com. I figured that if she wouldn’t give me what I needed, I would find someone who would. Never for one second, did I think that I would find someone that was totally into me, but then you entered the picture.
Her and I never sat down and talked anything out. That was until I was on my way home on Sunday evening. I wasn’t going to talk to her. The more I thought about it, that was 8 months that I would have been a wreck, had it not been for someone in my life. I did talk to her. I don’t know where it goes from here with her, but she said things to me that I was waiting to hear in all 8 months of being with her.
I know that I am now the bad guy here. I never in a million years thought that we would go as far as we did within a weeks time. I have been completely wrapped up in the moment. I have done a lot of soul searching and I still do not have an answer. Yesterday when you text me, I was working off of a half hour of sleep. I have decisions that need to be made and I just don’t know what is right or wrong.
I feel bad for the actions that I have made. You are an amazing individual. For me, right now, I feel that it is best that I figure out what it is that will truly make me happy. I have a lot of things going on in my life right now. I am just trying to put things in perspective and make sure that I make the right decisions for me.
I obviously have made a bad decision. I don’t expect for you to understand and I know that you are fucking pissed and angered. For that I am sorry.”
Needless to say I sent an e-mail and then left a scathing VM (of course he didn’t pick up).
I just slapped up a private post. Log in or register to read it …
So this is the e-mail I get from Jason this morning:
“I want to be able to say that we are on the same page, but right now, I am not sure what I want. I thought I did, but the more I think abt it , I don’t know….Things are going to start getting hectic for me and time is something I am not sure how much I have.”
Oh. My. God. I am absolutely a wreck. I have been crying at my desk since I read that. My friends are all telling me that he’s just freaked out, to give it time, to wait before I reply … I just cannot believe it. Midnight Sunday, he leaves my apartment, telling me he loves me. Monday morning, poof. I can’t remember the last time I felt this used. I swear to God, if he wanted to get laid, he could have just told me instead of putting me through all this and getting my hopes up.
What hurts the most is that I believed him. I believed what he felt and I believed what I felt. I opened myself to him emotionally. I just really can’t believe this is happening.
Update: I sent a txt that said, “How dare you say you love me then pull this on me. I feel nothing but used by you.” I’m still crying, I feel physically ill, this is awful.
Went to WW and lost 4.2 lbs since last Wednesday! Woo hoo! Apparently the diet plan of no food and lots of booze is a winner. In that vein, I had a little bit of chicken and a whole lot of pina coladas at my friend Kim’s house tonight. Actually, that was planned, the drinks were just really yummy.
The more I told her about this weekend, the more of a bitch I felt like. Kim said, “Ok. So, he worked all day Saturday, spent 12 hours with you, went to work all day Sunday, came over and stayed until midnight, then had to be at work today at 7:30?” I paused and said, “God, I’m a bitch.” I did send him an e-mail before I went out tonight, basically pointing out that I was irritable as hell due to lack of sleep, blah blah blah, and I got what he was trying to say, it was just his wording. Then I said that I figured we both could use some “me” time and sleep and that I hadn’t planned to see him until the end of the week. (The whole e-mail was put together a little better than those sentences were.) He hasn’t opened it but he hasn’t been on Myspace today either.
I should sleep but I’m just all tired and kinda drunk and wheeeeeee ….
I tried to remember the cliche that ends with “rain must fall” but fuck, I’m tired. I’m also irritable as hell. I’m guessing Jason is too because that is the only fucking way to explain his text messages where he said he was too tired to function at work and we need to do this in moderation and he needs to slow down and not burn the candle at both ends. My immediate reaction was oh no you di’int. But I can see his point. I can appreciate his point even, especially because we both talked about that last night, how distracting we are to one another during the day. But use the words “slow down” and my claws come out. Which is why I tried to be very calm. Very very calm and not say something snippy. And I was successful. He did send some more stupid txts during the day and in his last one he commented on how busy his day was. And in my snippiness*, I thought, fine, fuck you, and haven’t txted him since. Even though I really want to.
Tonight I am going to WW to weigh in — my weight @ the dr’s was about 5 lbs lower than my WW weight last week so I’m hoping that still shows up on the scale — and then over to a friend’s for booze and dinner on the grill. And to bitch about her husband and my whatever the hell he is. I know, I’m a crazy ass bitch. I’m pissed off because we spent so much time together it’s impacting his career, the career that has meant I have only spent $10 all of the times we went out and that’s only because I was able to pay cover at one bar for me and Jason without him noticing …
*Ok, I can admit it. It wasn’t just snippiness. It was fear that fuck, I’ve finally met this guy I really like and he really likes me … and DO NOT TELL ME he did all this just to get laid … which I am 99% sure is not the case.
I put up a private post earlier but forgot to alert y’all. Sign in or register to read the post.
Totally wasted six hours with Jason tonight. I don’t know where the time went. He came over about 6. We watched Zoolander for a while then one thing led to another and … we talked. Ha! Gotcha. Well, there was some of that too. I think tomorrow my friend Shelly will get to meet him, if she so desires; I’ll take her past his workplace once she and I get our free facials at some salon in the afternoon.
I could babble on and on all night about him … but it’s nearly 1 a.m. and I’m not making much sense. So I’m going to bed.
My thoughts keep going back to NYC Watchdog. There’s no making sense when a child is taken. Just no sense at all.
I’m going over to Jason’s this evening then we are going downtown for a surprise birthday party. Which means meeting more of his friends. I was trying to figure out what to wear and finally settled on the dress I bought last week. It’s low-cut but I don’t think it’s too revealing. I just want to be comfortable so I can be my usual charming self. 
I’m spending the night. I haven’t decided what that will mean. It was my suggestion; he works on the north side but lives west. It didn’t make sense for him to drive home to change, then come back to get me, then go downtown. I also didn’t want to drive to his place, not be able to drink and then drive the 25 minutes home at 3 a.m. or whatever. So yeah, we’ll see.
In other news, I’m a total spaz. Today I got the brilliant idea to use some of that Veet stuff instead of shaving. My skin is light and my hair is dark, so any “stubble” on my legs is noticeable. (Damn all you natural blondes!!!!) So the concept is, you put this white kinda stinky cream on your legs, stand around for 5-10 minutes then use this crap-ass piece of plastic to scrape the cream and hair off. Good in theory. But all I was doing was moving the cream around. I wet a towel and used that to wipe off some of the gunk, then said screw it, and got in the shower. As I was rinsing, well, the tub got a little slippery … and this is what happened …
At least I gots the man to put it back up for me tonight. 
*Y’all know what I’m talking about right? I can’t be the only one who still does the Wonder Twins shit, right? LOL
Sometimes you hear news and your heart just stops.
NYC Watchdog’s 5 year old son died yesterday. There was an accident at a swimming pool.
Watchdog is my oldest blogging buddy. Please keep him and his family in your prayers.
Avitable has set up a donation fund. Please do what you can.
Tired. So very tired. I think I got about 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night. Jason came over after work and we sat around watching this mini-marathon of Behind the Music on VH1. First it was Nick Lachey. Then it was George Michael. Then it was Kid Rock. Then about 15 minutes into Kid Rock, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was like, screw this, and kissed him. Well, he was about 6″ from my face so I guess he was doing that guy thing where they wait for you to turn you head towards them before they kiss you. At any rate it was fantastic. Fan-tas-tic. OMG. Heart-beating-out-of-my-chest fantastic. We were already late for dinner and that didn’t make things any better.
Jason’s friend Brian made a ton of food. He grilled chicken, steak and scallops, plus made several side dishes. All delish. Over the course of the evening, the three of us went through two bottles of wine. We played bowling on Brian’s Wii … OMG. Greatest thing ever. I easily passed the friend test as both Brian and his (ex) wife liked me. I think Jason and I got back to my place at 11:30 p.m. … and I kicked him out a little after 3 a.m.
Alas, Miss Monique basically kept her inner skanktress in check … there was more kissing and whatnot involved but all items of clothing stayed on. We actually talked quite a bit … I am trying not to be freaked out by all this and he seems the same way. I’m just going to run with it. I’m going to a surprise birthday party with him downtown Saturday night — all I had to hear was “VIP room” and “vodka” — and then depending on weather and him (he’s working all weekend), maybe to fireworks Sunday night.
Sigh. Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh. He’s so cute and adorable and smart and funny … and it’s amazing how comfortable I am with him. He’s so easy to talk to and it’s surprised me how open he is with me. On one hand, I feel somewhat ridiculous for feeling this way after a week, but hell, why not? Maybe all the bad ones were practice for this. 
All day, I kept thinking it was Thursday. In the words of a wise man, I guess I am just working for the weekend. I feel like a total dunce when it comes to this new software we’re using. OMG. I just stared blankly at my monitor for I don’t know how long. I hate feeling like this but I’m sure it will get more confusing before I finally get better.
I had my annual review yesterday; it went well. My score was just a little lower than last year, ostensibly because I am new in the position. I really didn’t disagree with anything in the review, I usually don’t. I got my usual high scores in professional judgment, ethics and of course, communication skills.
Tomorrow is date no. 2 with Jason. Yay. He’s coming over here then we’re going to his friend’s house for dinner. I have been promised the opportunity to play with a Wii. I’m sure I will be a train wreck.
That’s about it. I’m kinda boring today. Got some bad news about a friend’s health. That kinda cast a pall on the rest of my day. Sigh.
