Sports-bra-washing day is one of my favorite days. Why? ‘Cause it means I’m not working out tomorrow! Yay! Although I am insanely motivated (for me anyway) right now, I am also sore. Really sore. Tonight was the second consecutive night of taking a bath with Epsom salts added to ease the soreness in my legs. But I have that interview tomorrow evening, so I’m giving myself the day off from exercise.
I did hit the gym after work today because I ate lunch at Steak ‘n Shake today with a former colleague. I ate a cheeseburger and was deliriously happy to eat an actual burger. I also ate baked beans and coleslaw … and then I had one point left for the rest of the day! LOL Oh well, that’s why I get an “extra” 35 points to use throughout the week. I did work out so that gave me some points as well. But I was proud of myself for not just throwing in the towel after eating such an unhealthy lunch. I think this is really going to work this time. I am not sure why my mindset is different, it just is.
I am finally starting to feel like I have a handle on my job. I am still semi-clueless but it’s getting better. I can do the writing, it’s the intricacies that are slowing me down. I’m just glad that I have such a good relationship with my colleagues and they are willing to answer my questions. I am able to contribute a lot though, more than I expected.
Today another former colleague made me laugh out loud at my desk. We’ve been e-mailing this week, and this morning I excitedly messaged him that some guy who looked like Ricky Gervais was in the cafeteria. He e-mailed back, “I don’t think you understand, there’s been a rape upstairs,” quoting a favorite episode of the original, British version of The Office. Except Dan is such a gentleman he wouldn’t type the word “rape,” he just used asterisks. The line is so shocking in the context of the episode — a customer-service training — that you can’t help but laugh, esp. because our jobs involved working with trainers.
My previous post is one of my best, I think. I woke up in the middle of the night, typed that post out in a few minutes and went back to bed. It was honest, it was real, it was Monique with the inner filter turned off. I was pleased. And the comments y’all have left have been some of the best, too. It’s a win-win for everyone. Well, not everyone. But close enough.
All of my sleep over the past three weeks seems to have caught up to me, as it is 2:30 a.m. and I’m awake. To be honest, I’m kinda sick of my bedroom. I’ve spent a lot of time in here lately! Maybe the Cymbalta finally is working, maybe it’s the hour of cardio every day, I don’t know. But at least today I felt more like me than I have in quite some time. And along with that feeling is another feeling that it is time to clean house. Not literally, ’cause y’all know that I hate to do that. But metaphorically or whatever shit you want to call it.
My passive-aggressive post the other day with the stats was directed at Ryan. Yes, Ryan aka BoyToy. I know, I have sworn off of him how many times? But maybe it’s the Cymbalta, maybe it’s the cardio, maybe it’s me starting to lose weight, but what I have known all along is staring me in the face: He. Is. A. Dumbass. It doesn’t matter how much fun we had together, how good the sex was, whatever. He. Is. A. Dumbass. I’m tired of being in the shadows. I’m tired of him only wanting to be with me on his terms. I’m tired of his excuses. I’m tired of his inconvenient memory. And I’m really fucking tired of his fucking Penn State clothing, which seems to be the only fucking clothing that he owns.
*Claps hands, opens palms*
I’m out.
So what led me to this point, finally? About two weeks ago, I e-mailed him and asked him what he was doing on the 21st. I received an offer for super-cheap Pacers tickets. He said he probably wasn’t doing anything but his friend Steve bought tickets for either that game or the one that following Sunday, and he would check with Steve. And … that was that. No, “I can’t go.” No, “I don’t want to go.” No nothing. And the ass was even signed into Yahoo Messenger on the night of the 21st so he was even home! It was at that moment that I thought, Monique, what the fuck are you doing? You are letting this guy treat you like shit. And for what? A few orgasms? Please.
Consider this step three, after joining Weight Watchers and committing to working out, in my “Be Good to Monique” plan for 2007. ‘Cause any man who doesn’t want to be with me both in public and in the bedroom ain’t being good to Monique.
Today was an up-and-down day. I got great feedback on my first course, the first thing I’ve written in the new job. Then I was frustrated with the way I had to enter the course into the system. Plus I still can’t decide what I want our graphics guy to do. Grr. In other news, I have an interview for a p-t job Thursday evening. And my eyebrow girl says she has a guy for me …. We shall see …
But I find it a bit odd and off-putting when someone I know in real life prefers to visit both of my blogs, often more than once a day, instead of picking up the phone to talk to me. For example … this person’s visits to this site. Three times yesterday.
Then there’s the “other” blog … a daily visit for the past five days …
I just don’t get it.
I broke the 10-lb mark tonight at Weight Watchers! It was a close one — I had the, shall we say, hormonal fluctuations that most women deal with — but I knocked out 1.2 lbs this week to bring my total to 10.6 lbs.
Have you seen the nasty photos of that loudmouthed skank from American Idol? I think her name is Antonella. In one, she’s pulling an American Beauty, lying with rose petals scattered about. In others, she’s in a sheer white shirt at some fucking WAR MEMORIAL. Oh yeah, that’s hot. Not. I have a feeling she’s going to show up in the “Sexy or Skanky” column of Cosmo or Glamour or whatever.
I am feeling quite kick-ass tonight. Maybe I’m finally get adjusted to my medicine and of course, I am pleased as punch at how well WW is working for me. Speaking of, it’s time to eat more. Got more points to use …
I set up my Ebay account in 1999 (yeah, I used to be an early adopter lol) and have used it off and on to sell and buy stuff, usually crap. This week, however, I bought myself a new iPod (after 2 weeks of trying, I declared my precious to be dead). I also remembered I registered for this year’s Mini Marathon (ha, not gonna happen), which is sold out, so I posted my entry on eBay. I had some guy offer me $80 outright for it, but I already had a bid so I couldn’t take his moola. Damn. I’m also posting some of my Harlequin Blaze books as really, ya only read ‘em once. It’s not like they are great literature.
I am pondering getting up off my ass and going into the gym. I may just do a DVD at home. I’ve been to the gym five days in a row … when I told my brother I was doing Weight Watchers and working out, he freaked out, knowing my personality, and cautioned me against doing too much and burning myself out. Speaking of, there is an awesome photo of him that his ex-gf posted on his MySpace page. Too bad he’d kick my ass if I put it up here. He just looks like a major kung-fu dumbass teaching his class.
Hmm what else is new? A few friends have been pushing me to start dating again. I know they mean well — as one girl said, “You’re young, pretty and fun; why are you staying home?” — but these days I am more interested in friendship and companionship than anything else. Cymbalta has stolen my libido lol. Besides, I don’t think it’s a good idea to start a relationship two weeks after starting an antidepressant! See, that’s the thing. People unfamiliar with depression don’t get it. It either scares them and they stay away or they think it’s no big deal. I can’t explain it. I can’t justify it. It just is what it is. The people who know me in real life know that I am almost always laughing. But now it’s like I can’t laugh, not like I used to. Friday night I was laughing when my friends were over, but it was like I had to force myself to … like the laugh stopped at my throat. And it’s hard to know what I want from my friends … do I really want to go out more? Eh not sure. Do I really want to stay home? Eh not sure. But what has been frustrating are the one or two people who want to ignore it, not talk about it or make any effort to be empathetic to what I am telling them. But then again, those were the more tenuous friendships to begin with. Today marks week 3 on the medication; I go back to the doctor a week from tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll be myself again soon. Or myself but better. If that makes sense.
I was e-mailing Ricardo just now and wrote that I can give up junk food, but I still can’t give up junk men.
I need to cross-stitch that on a damn pillow.
Speaking of giving up junk food, I posted a new photo on my weight loss page. Yee haw.
I had one glass of wine last night — one! — and I barely made it through 40 minutes of my workout today. My walk was a breeze, even with five minutes tacked on, but I got on the bike, pedaled for a few and then thought, fuck it. Yes, the stationary bike kicked my ass.
RAWK!
So last night I stayed up later than I have in weeks — 11 p.m. I had a couple of friends over last night and they. wouldn’t. leave. lol. It was fun, but ugh, I was tired! The fogginess is gone but I’m still getting sleepy early in the evening. Oh, yeah, I’m a rock star.
Whenever a new link shows up on my blog dashboard, I always wonder who the blog author is if I don’t recognize the name. The Casanova Diary linked to me and while I haven’t figured out who the author is, I liked the first few posts on his site. One is called B.D. and A.D., or before divorce and after divorce. As my divorce became final two years ago tomorrow, I am familiar with the concept of B.D. and A.D. Being in a 9-year relationship, I built a lot of memories. And while the loss doesn’t hurt as much as it did before, there’s still a dull ache that hasn’t been filled. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be filled. Not that I won’t ever love anyone again, because I will, but I won’t love someone in that same innocent, excited way that I did as a 20-year-old girl. Because that was me, way B.D.
