My long-suffering friend S., she of the shady con-man ex-boyfriend, walked in on her ex-husband jacking off the other day. If that ain’t the perfect way to kick off the week, I don’t know what is.

She stayed home from work Monday, as she sliced open her big toe on a broken glass. Later in the day, she decided to tackle a spot of drywall that needed to be replaced and called her ex, who lives nearby (they have joint custody of their 13-year-old son) to ask if she could borrow a certain kind of saw. He is a teacher and coaches sports teams, so when he didn’t answer his cell, she figured he was at practice. She left him a VM letting him know what she was up to.

She drove over to the house (her old house) and was surprised to see his car in the drive. The garage door was open. She knocked on the door from the garage to the house. No answer. She knocked again. No answer. She turned the knob — unlocked.

As the door opened, she heard her ex say, “Hold on!” and she saw him jump up from the couch, pulling up his gym shorts. While she was averting her eyes, the TV caught her attention — cool guy was watching a porno. In shock too much to laugh, she said, “I called your cell! I need to borrow the saw!” He swaggered off to get it. Oh yeah. ‘Cause nothing makes the ladies hot like seeing their ex-husband watching porn.

When he came back, she asked if their son was staying with him tonight. He didn’t know. She asked when the boy would be home. “Oh, anytime.” What? Let me get this straight: The freak-ass is jacking off in the middle of the afternoon, in the living room, doors unlocked, blinds open, apparently unconcerned that anyone could see him. Eww eww eww.
If they weren’t already divorced, that would have been grounds right there, as far as I’m concerned. I believe “sheer nastiness” falls under irreconciliable differences.

∗ Posted by Monique on 08.30.2006
∗ Friends