As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve seen a therapist on and off for a little over two years. I first went to her in the depths of my misery, knowing I wanted, I needed to leave my marriage, but still not sure how. I continued seeing her for support during the divorce process and while I adjusted to being single and dating again. There have been times I’ve wanted to stop seeing her, but I felt like the reason I wanted to stop was because I was avoiding an issue that I needed to deal with. I don’t feel like that anymore. It’s just time. For the past several weeks, I’ve felt like I’ve been talking about the same things over and over again, and that isn’t a good use of my time (or money, frankly). I want to take the summer off and not think so damn much.

I felt oddly conflicted yesterday during our wrap-up session, maybe because I’m so used to her being in my life. I got emotional, which surprised me. We talked about how I’ve changed over the past two years; she commented that I’ve “softened,” in both my appearance and demeanor.

Talking to her yesterday, I was reminded of something that Mark repeatedly said to me while we were dating. He told me that he thought that it was impossible to hide anything if you were naked. If you were vulnerable physically, then you were also vulnerable emotionally. It struck me that every single time he said that to me, he was naked and I was usually clothed, at least I was never naked. Remembering that got me to thinking about him and why that relationship ended. It wasn’t working, it wasn’t going to work, we didn’t even have that much in common, but the ending always seemed so false to me. I still sometimes wondered what happened over the course of a week or so for the relationship to go from “eh there’s still some good here” to a total disaster, but I don’t care enough to call him up and ask him!

Anyway, as I told my therapist yesterday, I’ve been feeling self-centered lately and I like it. I don’t want to meet anyone, I don’t want to go out on another first date, I don’t want to deal with someone else’s crap. I think Mark and Scott wore me out this year, and the thought of meeting yet another emotionally stunted, arrogant jackass makes my stomach turn. Plus, there’s the worry of running into a guy with (a) Pastor Carl’s small dick, (b) Mark’s unimpressive technique or (c) Scott’s over-the-top freakiness (I still can’t get over him wanting to fuck me while I wore my wedding dress. Regardless of the fact that he wouldn’t fuck me, that was one of the most distasteful and disrespectful propositions I’ve received.)

Given all that, I am much better off as I am: Alone.

∗ Posted by Monique on 06.02.2006
∗ Monique's favorites, My therapist