Ryan and I had a long talk Sunday night. He seemed to have no idea — and I’m inclined to believe him — that I was dissatisfied with our current arrangement. He also had no idea what my blog link was when I originally sent it, as he was pissed off he thought I was calling him a “liar” lol.

After we spent quite a bit of time getting on the same page — I know I have to be very direct and clear when I am talking to Ryan, about anything, but it was especially difficult to be that way about my feelings; but somehow this “what the hell” attitude came over me and I laid it all out there — I told him something has to change. I told him we have two options: First, we can continue to sleep together but we have to cut out the daily communications. Second, we can cut out the sex and continue talking like we do.

Not surprisingly, he wasn’t keen on either option, and honestly neither am I. But I can’t go on like we have been. Also not surprisingly, neither of us was willing to make a decision, so I proposed that we not chat/e-mail/text this week and see how we feel this weekend. He didn’t like that idea either.

He said he couldn’t go an entire week without talking to me and craftily asked if he could call. He pointed out I didn’t mention phone calls in the list of prohibited communications. I didn’t mention phone calls because I think the only time he has ever called me was the first night we chatted online and that was because he had talked me into phone sex.

Anyway. He then brought up my blog and explained his confusion. I sent him the link again and he started reading. I thought he would start at the present day and work his way backwards. No, he started back in July; my second post ever was about ending things with him last summer.

Oh my God, I was so uncomfortable! Even though he was at his house and I was at mine, I was squirming. I felt more exposed than I do when I am physically naked. He kept asking me if I wanted him to stop reading, and I said that the stopping point was up to him. It’s all out there for him to read, there’s no reason for me to hide now.

He did violate our little agreement, as he e-mailed me this morning. It was insightful, so I’m glad he did.

I have kept a journal for years. Not once have I let anyone else read it. Never. This is the closest I have come to opening myself completely — and I still can’t believe I had the balls/anger/wisdom/stupidity to share it with Ryan.

By the way, Dave, I pointed Ryan to your site, to see the big bold warning note you posted. I think he was mildly horrified lol. And Country Girl, I knew he would like your site too; I’m sure he’ll be back to read more.

∗ Posted by Monique on 05.01.2006
∗ Blogging