So I’m no longer “anonymous.”

Does it bother me? No.

Granted, I’ve made some spur-of-the-moment decisions in the past that have bit me in the ass eventually. But, hell, you live and you learn.

Watchdog shared his blog address with a woman he was dating, and that kind of blew up in his face. (But, now she has a blog of her own and it’s one of my favorites, so I’m kind of torn on his decision being a bad one lol.) He asked if I felt fear or glee now. I’m in between right now. I mean, I wouldn’t share this site with anyone I was dating, but it just felt like time with Ryan. I wanted him to, hopefully, have a fuller picture of my life and his place in it.

I don’t regret — or at least not yet — sharing this blog address with Ryan. He did go to the site and he read quite a bit. (Yay, statcounter.com lol) Then he sent me an IM — I was offline — and said that somehow, somewhere something got mixed up.

I know what he’s thinking. He never promised me more than he gave.

True.

If it had been just sex between us, I wouldn’t be irritated, nor would I even really have a right to be. If we had called each other once a month or so, said, “Whatcha doing?” and didn’t really talk in between, cool. But that wasn’t the case.

I’m not going to make any assumptions about his feelings for me. Maybe I was just a lay. But if that is how he felt, after being involved with me for over a year, well, that’s a major reason why the boy is 26 years old and has never been in a serious relationship.

Speaking of, my friend Chris and I were talking last night. Chris is 36 and I’m 31. We were talking about relationships — he’s been in two 5+ year relationships and mine was 9 years — and I said that age helps you to see the emptiness in your relationships. I’ve settled before and I’m not going to again. Things with Ryan were supposed to be fun and they’re not. It’s too much work for not being a “relationship.”

The other times I ended things with Ryan I felt a loss. Now I feel sadness, but of a different kind. I feel sad that I kept trying to be “enough” for a guy I knew would never be enough for me.

What finally put everything into perspective for me was yesterday, when Ryan was texting me, wanting to come over. I replied, “Nah, I’m not in the mood for a nap,” a reference to when my parents were visiting and I told them I needed a nap and instead invited Ryan over. He replied, “Ok, have a good weekend.” This was Saturday evening — and I thought, Oh my God, he doesn’t even want anything to do with me if I’m not going to fuck him.

That realization led to another one. I’m not going to send Scott his money back, honestly because $100 is not something I want to give up. But I am going to send him the lingerie and the shoes; in fact, they’re already boxed up. I just have to finish my note to him; then Chris and I are going to do a drive-by to get his apartment address (Chris drives a black car with dark windows, as opposed to my beige SUV with leopard-print seat covers lol) and have a celebratory martini. Shit, knowing Scott, he’ll probably fucking wear the panties and heels. ; )

∗ Posted by Monique on 04.30.2006
∗ Blogging, Uncategorized