Do any of y’all have to sit through “lessons learned” meetings at work? I hate ‘em. The phrase makes my skin crawl. Yeah, I really want to sit around a table and listen to people talk about how I fucked up. (eye roll)

Anyway, considering I am pretty much a train wreck when it comes to dating, I thought it might be helpful to throw my own “lessons learned” meeting. Feel free to chime in at any time.

Lesson One: I like to have sex. But I’m not good at separating my emotions from the physical act, so it would be wise to wait until an emotional connection/commitment exists with my partner. Or else find a hot guy who is in town once a month.

Lesson Two: The men I date like it when I’m bitchy. What’s up with that?

Lesson Three: My ex was good at calming me down. I have a tendency to overthink — yeah, shocker — and freak out. He could easily talk me out of my hissy fit. This quality is a necessity in a boyfriend.

Lesson Four: If I do not like what a man says/how he sounds when he has an orgasm, I can’t stay in the relationship. Yes, I know you’re coming. My entire apartment building doesn’t need to know. Take it down a notch, big guy. On the other hand, if a man doesn’t make a peep, then that’s also an irritant. I guess I’d rather have too loud than too quiet, but come on! I gotta live here.

Lesson Five: No matter how many times a man asks, I should not talk about my ex, at least on the first few dates. Men get weirded out that I don’t hate my ex-husband. Here’s the key point: I left. If I wanted him still, I wouldn’t have left. End of story.

Lesson Six: I am a delicate flower. Despite my confident front, my trash talking, my leopard shoes, I am a bundle of nerves at my core. The sooner a man lets me know that he is attracted to private Monique as well as public Monique, the better off we’ll all be. The more times I hear that I seem so “together,” the more reluctant I am to reveal my train-wreck self.

Lesson Seven: A man has to say “bless you” when I sneeze, as well as “please” and “thank you” when appropriate. He also has to tell me I’m beautiful AND that I’m cute, because there’s a difference. He should have a personality big enough to balance mine but realize that, deep down, I want to be the star of the show. ; )

Lesson Eight: A man will tell me what I need to know — on the first date. You suck at relationships? I should listen to that. This is your first date after a serious realtionship? That’s a problem. You hate your ex more than life itself? Oh boy. You’ve never been in love? God help us all …

∗ Posted by Monique on 04.25.2006
∗ Annoyances, Love life, Monique's favorites, My life