Over the past year or so, I really haven’t thought twice before accelerating a budding relationship. I was intimate with three men in 2005, which seems like a lot considering before that, I had been with one. Ryan was the first, poor Pastor Carl was the second (this was pre-blog, but he was a Methodist pastor whose company I enjoyed; after a bottle of wine, we ended up in my bedroom. Sigh. He was so tiny the condom dwarfed him. Even though it was half of a lay, I still feel like I should count him lol.); and Mark was the third.

Now there’s Scott.

What has surprised me is that the men I’ve been involved with have a much broader definition of “sex” than I did. To me, sex meant intercourse. If we didn’t do that, it wasn’t sex. And no, I wasn’t deluding myself a la Clinton-Lewinsky. It just didn’t seem like it counted, like intercourse made it more concrete. Anyway, it seemed to me like if any clothing came off — other than my shirt, as men always go for my boobs first — in their determination, we had “sex.”

Scott and I have been exchanging some saucy text messages this week, but I’m not planning to put out just yet. I’m tired of the emotionally uninvolved lays. It was like, all the cool kids were having random sex, so why shouldn’t I? Like it was a delayed badge of “adulthood” to be able to “separate” sex and love/like/affection.

I don’t know if I’ve changed, if it’s different between Scott and I, or what. I just know that as much as I want to physically, mentally and emotionally I’m not ready — and for the first time, I’m able and willing to articulate that thought.

Hee hee, thinking of Pastor Carl makes me laugh. I’ll have to write about him sometime. Easiest BJ I’ve ever given. ; )

∗ Posted by Monique on 03.31.2006
∗ Love life, Uncategorized