Sunday, I went to the movies with a girlfriend — “Failure to Launch” was much cuter than I expected — and planned on doing some more running around afterwards … except that Scott called and asked me to have dinner with him. Sigh. So he came over, we snuggled on the couch for a while, we talked, then we tore (some of) each other’s clothes off.

It was — and this is for you, Phantom — muy fantastico. Heart-beating-out-of-my-chest, oh-my-god-he-can-kiss, hey-are-those-his-keys-in-his-pocket? kind of “wow”.

We never did have dinner.

He left about 8, although if my phone hadn’t rung — mom, of course — we probably never would have noticed the time. This morning, we exchanged e-mails (he sent his first), and tonight he called me while I was on my way home from the second job so he could tell me good night.

Sigh.

Lord knows I like Ryan. Lord knows I like Ryan more than I should. But Ryan can’t/won’t/hasn’t ever/will never be someone I can madly make out with/have great sex with and then have a conversation with involving feelings and emotions. Ryan has never used the phrase “make love.” I wouldn’t be surprised if Ryan has never uttered that phrase in his life. But that’s what I want now. I can have a quick fuck just about any time I want. But I haven’t “made love” with someone in a very long time. The question is, can I give up Ryan for a not-so-sure thing with Scott? Each time I withdraw from Ryan I wonder if he’ll be there the next time I want him, and so far he has been. But things have been different between Ryan and me since Mark, like Ryan has realized that he’s second best — and it’s his own damn fault that he is — but second best nonetheless. Oh hell, why does the thought of giving up Ryan for good make me want to cry?!

∗ Posted by Monique on 03.27.2006
∗ Uncategorized