Over the past year or so, I really haven’t thought twice before accelerating a budding relationship. I was intimate with three men in 2005, which seems like a lot considering before that, I had been with one. Ryan was the first, poor Pastor Carl was the second (this was pre-blog, but he was a Methodist pastor whose company I enjoyed; after a bottle of wine, we ended up in my bedroom. Sigh. He was so tiny the condom dwarfed him. Even though it was half of a lay, I still feel like I should count him lol.); and Mark was the third.
Now there’s Scott.
What has surprised me is that the men I’ve been involved with have a much broader definition of “sex” than I did. To me, sex meant intercourse. If we didn’t do that, it wasn’t sex. And no, I wasn’t deluding myself a la Clinton-Lewinsky. It just didn’t seem like it counted, like intercourse made it more concrete. Anyway, it seemed to me like if any clothing came off — other than my shirt, as men always go for my boobs first — in their determination, we had “sex.”
Scott and I have been exchanging some saucy text messages this week, but I’m not planning to put out just yet. I’m tired of the emotionally uninvolved lays. It was like, all the cool kids were having random sex, so why shouldn’t I? Like it was a delayed badge of “adulthood” to be able to “separate” sex and love/like/affection.
I don’t know if I’ve changed, if it’s different between Scott and I, or what. I just know that as much as I want to physically, mentally and emotionally I’m not ready — and for the first time, I’m able and willing to articulate that thought.
Hee hee, thinking of Pastor Carl makes me laugh. I’ll have to write about him sometime. Easiest BJ I’ve ever given. ; )
The week, that is. My part-time project was supposed to end last Friday; now, I’ll be lucky if it’s done tomorrow. While the extra $$ will be nice, I’m exhausted. I haven’t been able to go to the grocery store, to Target, anywhere because I’m not willing to give up my lunch hour, my one respite from work, to run errands! Ugh.
I did skip out on the 2nd job last night, and met Scott for dinner before my adult ed class. It was really great to see him in the middle of the week and definitely brightened my day. I was a little disappointed because he mentioned he was planning to watch the basketball games Saturday night, but it is the NCAA championship weekend, so I can deal. He asked me to call him “if I got bored” after my class, and I did, once I got back home. We talked for 30 minutes or so, and he mentioned doing something during the day on Saturday. I suggested just waiting until Sunday … anyway the compromise is him coming over here to watch the games. I’d rather go to his place, but with the tournament downtown plus regular Saturday-night traffic, that doesn’t make much sense. But at least I’ll have plenty of magazines, etc., here to keep me busy … and he’s not a huge basketball fan so maybe we won’t have to watch both games lol. I did tell him I’d make dinner, and today I found a delish recipe by Rachael Ray.
Anyway, bottom line is that I like Scott. A lot. I’m glad I hung in there. At the beginning of the year, I made a short list of qualities that I was looking for in a mate. He seems to fit them all … I just haven’t sneezed so I don’t know if he says “bless you” or not. ; )
I create a relationship with a man who is considerate, says “bless you” when I sneeze, makes me laugh with abandon and thinks that I am funny too. I create love with a man who is passionate and is willing to share and explore our desires after we have created an emotional connection. I create love with a man who is interested in knowing me as a complete person and with whom I feel comfortable enough to reveal myself. I create love with a man who is able to balance his job with the rest of his life. I create love with a man who treasures me like the precious jewel I am. So be it and so it is.
was semi-naughty text-message Tuesday.
I inadvertently started it all, by replying Monday night to an e-mail Scott sent me. I can’t remember what he said, but in my reply I pointed out that perhaps his impression of me was a bit off, that I am not an innocent, naive divorcee. Far from it. I wrote that while I may not be as “adventurous” as he, I can certainly, for lack of a better term, bring it.
Scott’s reply, which I received this morning, was very thoughtful and congenial … then wham! He tosses out, how shall I say?, an experience he would like us to share. It was so unexpected, my jaw dropped. Because I can’t access my personal e-mail at work, I sent him a text message once I was in the office, commenting on his e-mail. We exchanged several more throughout the day (he, at one point, calling me a “saucy minx” — I like!); his final text ended with “xoxoxoxo.”
Sigh.
It’s amazing how one kiss can change everything. A week ago I was convinced he wasn’t interested and didn’t even really want to see him again; now I’m thrilled we’re having dinner tomorrow at Panera before my class, because seeing him for even an hour is so much better than having to wait until the weekend …
Sunday, I went to the movies with a girlfriend — “Failure to Launch” was much cuter than I expected — and planned on doing some more running around afterwards … except that Scott called and asked me to have dinner with him. Sigh. So he came over, we snuggled on the couch for a while, we talked, then we tore (some of) each other’s clothes off.
It was — and this is for you, Phantom — muy fantastico. Heart-beating-out-of-my-chest, oh-my-god-he-can-kiss, hey-are-those-his-keys-in-his-pocket? kind of “wow”.
We never did have dinner.
He left about 8, although if my phone hadn’t rung — mom, of course — we probably never would have noticed the time. This morning, we exchanged e-mails (he sent his first), and tonight he called me while I was on my way home from the second job so he could tell me good night.
Sigh.
Lord knows I like Ryan. Lord knows I like Ryan more than I should. But Ryan can’t/won’t/hasn’t ever/will never be someone I can madly make out with/have great sex with and then have a conversation with involving feelings and emotions. Ryan has never used the phrase “make love.” I wouldn’t be surprised if Ryan has never uttered that phrase in his life. But that’s what I want now. I can have a quick fuck just about any time I want. But I haven’t “made love” with someone in a very long time. The question is, can I give up Ryan for a not-so-sure thing with Scott? Each time I withdraw from Ryan I wonder if he’ll be there the next time I want him, and so far he has been. But things have been different between Ryan and me since Mark, like Ryan has realized that he’s second best — and it’s his own damn fault that he is — but second best nonetheless. Oh hell, why does the thought of giving up Ryan for good make me want to cry?!
Scott kissed me. Finally.
Okay, back to the beginning — He called yesterday while I was out and about, and left a message inviting me over for dinner “and some wine … and maybe a movie or two.” His word choice made me laugh because I could — finally — what he had in mind.
We started in on the wine almost immediately — riesling, he called it the “crack cocaine” of wine, it was just like candy compared to my usual syrahs — and the food arrived somewhere during the second bottle. After dinner — and into the third bottle of wine — he told me he liked my sense of humor, but asked if I used it as a shield. He said it would be nice to see my vulnerable side.
He’s right, of course. But I didn’t know what to say other than that, because, duh, that would have been making myself vulnerable to him (that attempt at humor was intentional, btw) — and when I’m vulnerable, I get hurt.
So we talked some more, then he got up from the couch. I said, “Oh God, are you going to open another bottle?” but he sat down next to me. He said, “You have about five seconds before I kiss you …” and I said, “About damn time.” So he kissed me. Finally.
It was … wow.
We ended up in his bedroom, but didn’t have sex. He asked me to spend the night, sans sex, but I declined. Mark slept over on the third date, and I didn’t want that to happen too soon with Scott.
Okay, y’all know that I’ve been referring to Scott as the “nice” guy. I knew he couldn’t be so well-mannered all of the time, but shit. We were talking about different things, and apparently the man has a fondness for sex in semi-public places — like he’s done it in a changing room. I pretty much stole a line from Paris Hilton and said, “That’s hot.” I didn’t think anyone really did that sort of thing!
He walked to my car about midnight, and we kissed madly on the street. He asked me to call him when I got home, which was sweet. This is the first time in a very long time I’ve had a strong intellectual and physical connection with a man. He told me he wants to be the most romantic man I’ve ever had in my life … maybe I’ll finally get the grand gesture I’ve been waiting 31 years for. ; )
In late February, the ex and I sold our old house. Due to many factors including a glut in the market, him not keeping up on the house as I would have liked (he lived there for over a year before it sold) and it just not being a super-fab house, we got screwed on the deal. We each had to pay about $1,900. It sucked. Thank God I had access to a bit o’ cash, but that pretty much wiped me out.
Last week, he received a check for about $700, our mortgage-insurance refund from Uncle Sam. I called our mortgage company a few weeks ago, and thought that we had some other $$ coming, but the whole process was so confusing — and the realtor was telling me no, the $700 was it — that I thought, oh well, the money was gone anyway.
Lo and behold, I received a check for just over $1,000 today! It’s made out to both of us, of course, but for a split second I wondered if I could keep it all for myself! Isn’t that awful???? But even before I realized, duh, I would either need to (a) obtain or (b) forge his signature to deposit the check, I knew that I couldn’t keep all of the money. Damn my conscience lol. I left him a VM on his office line to ask him to call me tomorrow to set up a time where we can meet up for him to sign the check. I am SO glad I thought before I spoke because this is what I almost said in telling him in the message about the check:
“How much do you love me?”
WTF??? The words entered my mind in a teasing, taunting sort of way, like I have big news, tell me you love me before I’ll tell you what I have to say — but oh my God, I haven’t said those words to him in over 18 months! WTF??????
If you haven’t been over to The Pink Shoe, consider yourself shamed. It’s a great blog. You need to read it! Now!
I am working my 2nd job this week and I am so f-ing tired. I haven’t been getting home until 11 p.m. Last night I was so jacked up on my after-the-day-job coffee, I was wide awake until nearly 1 a.m. Boo. Damn, I can’t wait for Saturday, when I can SLEEP IN!
I don’t assume that just because I read someone’s blog that they read mine but, in this case, I’m hoping Iris at Nothing’s Going to Change My World will pop over here. She’s had her comments turned off forever and posted today for the first time in months, actually.
Iris — I added your site to my Bloglines feed and even though I knew you hadn’t updated, I STILL would check your site. You’re a fantastic writer, a gifted young woman and worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Believe me, I spent years in a relationship because I was too afraid of disappointing him and everyone else by leaving — you’re so young and it sounds like you have learned your lessons early. Go home, get help and learn who you are. In a few years, you won’t even be able to relate to your life as “lostlush” anymore, because you’ll be the woman you always knew you could be. Take care — Monique
I mean it when I say Iris is a fantastic writer — read her archives. I’m envious of her gift. I’m just glad she’s okay.
at I Talk 2 Much gave me 3 boots. That’s right, (Note from Monique: One of the new bitches) hated my blog, as I knew whomever reviewed it would, because oh my gosh, I’m dating and I actually care if the guys I like like me.
Well, guess what? I got 74 hits off of my listing on their site today.
I like my blog about my life. That’s why I write it.
And as to the suggestion that I buy a pink journal, mine is green. And it has a tree on it.
Thanks for the traffic.
Added March 21 — 14 more hits today! Ha! lol
Damn, Ryan Reynolds is looking f-i-n-e. (Photo originally posted at I’m Not Obsessed.)
