I have a profile on myspace.com, which I created b/c of Mark. I have a few friends on it and mainly use the site to e-mail my brother, who also has a page. Tonight I was feeling nosy and checked out Mark’s page. In the past two weeks, he’s added two new “friends” — both gay men.
Hmmm.
Granted, Mark did work as a professional actor/singer/dancer for a number of years and I’m sure he’s known more than a few gay men. These are guys whose names I never heard, though; they do have a connection to our state, so I guess it’s possible he knew them.
But still.
I will f-ing crap my pants if my therapist was right and he’s gay/in denial/confused.
I’ve thought about it, esp. since she kept bringing to the forefront, and my gut tells me that he’s straight. But there’s all this circumstantial evidence, if you will. I mean, not like it matters, as he’s out of my life. But I am telling you, if I’m ever see him at a gay bar when I’m out with my friend, holy shit. I would probably drop my drink, swoon, and then, upon my recovery, never date again.
So Ryan’s “roommate,” the 23-year-old I keep calling “little missy” — yes, I know I sound like a jealous old hag but I care not! — moved in this weekend. I told myself I would cut back on my contact with him once that happened, as he needs to make up his frickin’ mind — saying he “kinda” likes her and the implication that he “kinda” likes me, screw that. I think this entire situation is bad news, and not because I have a personal stake in it. I mean, I’ve decided to cut out the “boy-toy” aspect of our relationship, but still, I like the boy.
We chatted for a bit Saturday a.m. while he was at work, but that was it. He was online earlier tonight but I held out and stayed “invisible” so he didn’t know I was online. I checked my messages a little while ago and found this …
Ryan (2/19/2006 9:45:10 PM): just wanted to say hey…hope you are feeling better…sorry I haven’t been on much..busy weekend…catch ya later…hope you had a good weekend!
He NEVER sends me messages when I’m offline. But, as always, he’s gonna have to try harder.
In other boy news, there’s another potential new guy … he’s 29, in sales, can write in complete sentences and just looks cute as a button. The only problem? According to his profile, he is my height … and I’m 5′4″. My ex was fairly short, maybe 5′6″ or 5′7″ but everyone I’ve dated since then has been at least 6′. Adding to my concern is that fact that I am not a skinny little thing. It would be one thing if I was a petite 5′4″, but naaaaaay, I am not. But I have accurate photos posted on my profile and checked the “full-figured” descriptor. He’ll be out of town Tues-Sun., but when I e-mail him back I’ll include my phone number …
Last but not least, the 23rd is the one-year mark since my divorce was final and on the 28th, my ex and I are closing on the sale of our house. The divorce was fairly amicable — as much as these things can be — mainly because the lack of passion during the death of our marriage was indicative of the lack of passion during the marraige, but it’s still be a painful process since he moved out in July ‘04. While I can recognize my role in the end of the marriage, the things that I could have done differently, I always come back to what he did — he spent well over $2,500 on phone-sex calls during the course of our marriage — as the reason that I did what I did. The pain has certainly dulled, but that feeling of not being “enough,” of knowing my husband turned to a voice over the phone for sexual satisfaction, that he would rather talk to a stranger than come to his wife for intimacy — those feelings remain.
My good friend is a minister and often performs healing ceremonies. At times I’ve thought about asking her to do a ceremony for me, but I’ve wondered if it would be too much for me, you know? As I write all of this out, the thought occurs to me that what I had been using as a justification — it seems too “out there,” too “new age-y” — is just an excuse. I just don’t want to face the pain, just like I don’t want to throw out all of the odds and ends from the marriage that are currently taking up good space in my closet.
Well, hell. I hate it when the choice seems clear. Have you ever done anything to mark the end of a relationship? I don’t mean out of anger, but out of compassion and love for yourself?
Damn, this guy is hot.
OMG, this is the coolest thing EVER!
Pandora is a “music discovery service” powered by the Music Genome Project. Basically, you plug in the name of an artist or even a song that you like, and voila! A personalized radio station that plays music with elements similar to the artist/songs you like.
I LOVE IT!
I have already created two stations, one for music similar to my beloved Matthew Good, the other for George Michael-esque music. (So sue me. I like George Michael. Keep your mockery to yourself, por favor.) I have been listening for an hour or so and I think there have been maybe three songs I didn’t like (but they did sound similar to songs that I do like).
It’s free for now … eventually ads will be included, but even a year’s subscription to ad-free content is only $36. You can listen to your station on any computer … wonder if this will make it past the firewall at work???
Wow, my search is over!
Check out this e-mail I received from a gentleman in the United Kingdom …
saw your profile and i felt i have finally found my life partner.You are like God’s dove, so beautiful, so pretty, with good hobbies and everything about you match with my style. and that’s what I love, . Thank you, God, for this special woman, you gave me - I can’t thank him enough for the love and beauty that I found.i think i will be much interested in getting to know you better and i believe you will be more interested in knowing my kind of person too.in other to allow communication and getting to know each other easy,i will like to exchange my yahoo chatting id with you.you can chat with me on (e-mail address deleted) so i will be much interested in yours too.do reply now or add me now if you have yahoo account now so that we can chat. — Lucky.
“Thank you, God, for this special woman, you gave me - I can’t thank him enough for the love and beauty that I found.” That, my friends, is pure poetry.
Too bad there was no photo or else I’d give him a shot. ; )
I use BlogExplosion to generate traffic to this site. If you’re not familiar with BE, the general idea is that you surf other members’ pages and in return, you earn credits for traffic. It’s a cool concept and I’ve come across some great blogs this way.
But I don’t get this –
I currently have 275 “credits” assigned to this blog — not unused credits that I can use to bid on space, etc. — but credits that are supposed to be used to send people this way. Why have so many credits accumulated? According to my BE stats, NINE visitors have been sent to my blog today.
Is this normal? Or is this very weird????
I almost cancelled my match.com subscription last night. It was after midnight, I was wide awake and felt like being decisive. Then I talked myself out of it. I am a Libra, after all. This morning I had an e-mail from Jesse (read a recap here).
Jesse and I went out twice in October, had plans for a third date but he got called out of town on business, I was working my hellacious part-time job and our schedules just got in the way. We spoke on the phone and kept making plans but it just never worked out. I went out with Mark the following week but fondly thought of Jesse on occasion. He’s probably my favorite of the guys that I’ve gone out with.
Last week he showed up in my “who’s viewed me” list on match.com, three months after we last spoke. I sent him a “hey, what’s going on???” e-mail, he replied, I sent another e-mail and then he replied today. This is what he wrote, after a few sentences about his job and being in NYC last week:
So, have you seen anything good in your never-ending sinus infected couch time? I love movies. I can never get enough of them.
“Back to school! Back to school, to prove to Dad that I’m not a fool! I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight! Ohhhh, back to school! Back to school! Back to school! Well, here goes nothing!” I would be super impressed if you knew that quote. I am always quoting movies. To me, everyday life is just translating it into the story lines of movies.
So, you are going back to school? Very nice. It sounds like you are excited about it. I assume you will be going to school here in Indianapolis?
Well, I hope everything else is going well and I will talk with you soon. — Jesse
I want to think he isn’t writing just to be nice … I guess in my next e-mail I think I’ll ask him how match.com is working out for him, mention I dated a guy for a couple months but it ended in January, and say that my subscription is up in about three weeks and I don’t think I’m going to renew …
Could be that he’s too busy. Could be that he’s seeing someone. Could be that we go out again …
| Your Five Factor Personality Profile |
Extroversion:
You have low extroversion.
You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.
A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.
You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people.
Conscientiousness:
You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.
Agreeableness:
You have medium agreeableness.
You’re generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.
Neuroticism:
You have medium neuroticism.
You’re generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there’s a few emotional bumps you’d like to get rid of.
Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You’ll try almost anything interesting, and you’re constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything. |
The Flash Mind Reader
I’m sure there’s a simple explanation, but I’d rather be amazed.
I’m contemplating a dating hiatus. I’m not getting anywhere. The guys I’m meeting aren’t all that fab. My match.com subscription is up in a little less than a month. I probably went on dates with 10 guys in the past year, and had flirtations with twice that number. I really don’t feel much closer to knowing what I want or even who I am, post-divorce, than I did when I started.
Ryan argued in favor of me taking a break. All of a sudden he’s Mr. Relationship Advice. WTF? I point-blank asked him how many dates HE went on last year. None, of course. Then he tells me that he hasn’t been with anyone else as long as he’s known me (15 months) and that he’s gone out a few times but not even to the point of kissing another girl. He said he wanted me to know that.
I was a little taken aback. I have always thought of him as the side dish, someone I can turn to when I want a quick lay, and have kept him separate from my regular dates. I kissed most of the guys I went out with and had sex with two of them; sadly, neither was any good lol. Ryan and I have amazing chemistry and compatibility. Even the first time we were together was great.
But “little missy,” as I have started calling her, is moving in to his place on Saturday. I haven’t told Ryan this, but I can’t continue to spend hours chit-chatting with him if she’s living there. That is a pre-emptive strike on my part, because I’m envisioning the two of them hanging out all of the time, leaving even less time in his life for Miss Monique. I’ve always been the one to end things with him, and those break-ups hurt bad enough. I can only imagine the sting if he were to reject me.
I don’t know what his plan is. It’s like we’re becoming more like friends, yet he still throws out the sexual comments. And the other night I mentioned something Mark had said. Ryan replied, “I wouldn’t give much weight to anything that guy said, except when he was talking about how wonderful you are!”
It’s weird. Maybe I’ll give myself until Memorial Day. I’ll spend the time developing myself more. But the thought of going without male attention for that long makes me feel grumpy. But that’s because I put so much emphasis on what other people think of me. I need to set my own worth so my esteem doesn’t rise and fall with the number of messages in my in-box …
