So Ryan’s “roommate,” the 23-year-old I keep calling “little missy” — yes, I know I sound like a jealous old hag but I care not! — moved in this weekend. I told myself I would cut back on my contact with him once that happened, as he needs to make up his frickin’ mind — saying he “kinda” likes her and the implication that he “kinda” likes me, screw that. I think this entire situation is bad news, and not because I have a personal stake in it. I mean, I’ve decided to cut out the “boy-toy” aspect of our relationship, but still, I like the boy.

We chatted for a bit Saturday a.m. while he was at work, but that was it. He was online earlier tonight but I held out and stayed “invisible” so he didn’t know I was online. I checked my messages a little while ago and found this …

Ryan (2/19/2006 9:45:10 PM): just wanted to say hey…hope you are feeling better…sorry I haven’t been on much..busy weekend…catch ya later…hope you had a good weekend!

He NEVER sends me messages when I’m offline. But, as always, he’s gonna have to try harder.

In other boy news, there’s another potential new guy … he’s 29, in sales, can write in complete sentences and just looks cute as a button. The only problem? According to his profile, he is my height … and I’m 5′4″. My ex was fairly short, maybe 5′6″ or 5′7″ but everyone I’ve dated since then has been at least 6′. Adding to my concern is that fact that I am not a skinny little thing. It would be one thing if I was a petite 5′4″, but naaaaaay, I am not. But I have accurate photos posted on my profile and checked the “full-figured” descriptor. He’ll be out of town Tues-Sun., but when I e-mail him back I’ll include my phone number …

Last but not least, the 23rd is the one-year mark since my divorce was final and on the 28th, my ex and I are closing on the sale of our house. The divorce was fairly amicable — as much as these things can be — mainly because the lack of passion during the death of our marriage was indicative of the lack of passion during the marraige, but it’s still be a painful process since he moved out in July ‘04. While I can recognize my role in the end of the marriage, the things that I could have done differently, I always come back to what he did — he spent well over $2,500 on phone-sex calls during the course of our marriage — as the reason that I did what I did. The pain has certainly dulled, but that feeling of not being “enough,” of knowing my husband turned to a voice over the phone for sexual satisfaction, that he would rather talk to a stranger than come to his wife for intimacy — those feelings remain.

My good friend is a minister and often performs healing ceremonies. At times I’ve thought about asking her to do a ceremony for me, but I’ve wondered if it would be too much for me, you know? As I write all of this out, the thought occurs to me that what I had been using as a justification — it seems too “out there,” too “new age-y” — is just an excuse. I just don’t want to face the pain, just like I don’t want to throw out all of the odds and ends from the marriage that are currently taking up good space in my closet.

Well, hell. I hate it when the choice seems clear. Have you ever done anything to mark the end of a relationship? I don’t mean out of anger, but out of compassion and love for yourself?

∗ Posted by Monique on 02.19.2006
∗ The Ex