Insanely Cool Firefox Extension
I just started using Mozilla Firefox as my browser a few weeks ago. Sad to say, my dad discovered the browser and told me about it. This is a man, mind you, who retired from being a pharmacist when he realized he was going to have to use a PC daily. Now you can’t get him away from mah jong and porn. (Yes, ick.) Anyway … check this out: Pix2Fone allows those of us without a camera phone to upload photos from our PC to a mobile phone!
I saved a few files to my phone to use as caller IDs. I made the files fairly small (about 50kb in most cases) and Pix2Fone has a handy feature that automatically sizes the photo to fit your phone’s screen.
Now all I need is for someone whose photo I saved to call me lol.
Note from M. on Jan. 16: It works! I uploaded photos for a few friends, two of whom FINALLY called me Sunday afternoon. Now I see their smiling faces when they call. Awwwww …
The Joy of Rediscovering Old CDs
My main new year’s resolution is to get organized. To that end, I’ve been going through my endless piles of crap — I have SO MUCH stuff! — including roughly 10 zillion CDs (maybe a few hundred). I’m copying a few of my favorites to iTunes right now, because I rarely listen to a CD except maybe at work.
Here’s one of the coolest CDs I own: Peter Gabriel, live in Indianapolis on July 2, 2003. Yes, Indianapolis. Genius Peter recorded each show during that tour, and a CD of each was available for purchase roughly 10 days later. Well worth the $30 for the two-CD set, esp. including the “do-over” of “Growing Up” after the big inflatable bubble he jumping about the stage in had a leak and started to deflate. I saw this concert with the ex and we were relatively happy that night, even though it was July, about 900 degrees and 150% humidity. I even let him stop at White Castle on the way home lol. (I hate the smell.)
Tiny Steps Forward
Mark called me tonight. I didn’t think he would. He was in a good mood and sounded happy to talk to me. We didn’t talk about last night; he just said that today was a good day at work esp. compared to the rest of the week. He told me about his frustrations with the physicians he has to deal with who write a blanket order for several types of therapy (speech, occupational, physical) whether a patient needs it or not, so he has to waste time with those patients instead of helping the people who need it the most. He and his brother are moving his parents’ furniture around tomorrow; as he put it, they’re going to “feng shui the hell out of the house.” He said he’ll call me tomorrow evening … maybe I’ll be home, maybe not. Okay, chances are I will, unless my friend Chris also is bored and dateless. If not, the U.S. Figure Skating Championships are on. Maybe I’ll even see one of my childhood crushes, Robin Cousins. Sigh.
Monique: You make me really want to open up to you. The ever-present threat of sarcasm is enough to scare me off.
Mark: Don’t try to change me baby.
Monique: seriously?
Mark: I’m sorry. I was kidding. Feel free to open up.
Monique: the moment has passed
Mark: When do I ever say anything in seroiusnes?
Mark: what the hell kind of word was that?
Mark: it’s i before e
Mark: among other problems
Monique: so, in all seriousness, what do you think of all this? do you think it’s working?
Monique: we seem to be one big communication problem
Mark: I don’t know…I like you very much…You’re wonderful and intelligent, witty, fun to be with, beautiful…
Mark: Is it my fault
Mark: ?
Monique: I actually sent you a letter b/c I didn’t think we’d talk this weekend. It’s not easy for me to open up or to talk about my emotions to begin with, and I feel like we should know each other better than we do.
Monique: But I like you a lot. I want to get to know you and I want you to know me.
Mark: I understand. I do.
Mark: did you send a snail mail letter.
Monique: Yes. Isn’t that quaint? lol
Mark: sweet.
Mark: I’ll keep my eyes peeled.
Monique: I actually went to like three stores trying to find notepaper I thought was appropriate. I’m a paper snob.
Mark: wow. I’m sure it’s nice. I’ll enjoy getting a letter. My first! Would you like to talk about anything in it now?
Monique: It’s not a very long letter, basically the gist of it was what I already said. My ex referred to my parents as the most emotionally closed off people he had ever known and I think that’s pretty accurate. I didn’t grow up with the best role models.
Monique: Like, neither of them actually says, “I love you” to me. It’s “We love you,” like they’re the British royal family lol.
Monique: But to get to the bottom line, talking about my emotions/feelings/even myself sometimes is pretty uncomfortable for me so I tend to avoid it.
Monique: Which does me no good when I meet someone like you.
Mark: I know. It’s tough to confront.
Monique: Do you mean “confront,” like in anger? I can do that. 
I have more problems when I actually like someone. It’s not like I had an awful childhood or life, but it also wasn’t the greatest … I guess it’s the whole thing of growing up with an alcoholic parent, just pretend that everything is okay.
Monique: That’s kind of what I still stick to, despite my best efforts to the contrary.
Monique: It’s okay if you don’t know what to say.
Mark: We can confront both good and bad things, and I grew up with a brother who went through a lot of tough things, even alcahol. It almost cost him his marrage. There’s a lot of stuff there thats tough to deal with, and no, I actually don’t quite know what to say.
Monique: That’s okay. Sometimes listening is enough.
Monique: Remember when you told me that you wanted someone whose baggage matched yours? lol
Mark: yup
Monique: I guess if there’s anything you want to know about me, you may just have to ask instead of waiting for me to volunteer the information. And that’s just me, not because I don’t trust you or anything like that.
Mark: I know. I guess I’d preferr to have the meaningful conversations in person rather than IM.
Monique: I know, me too. I just wanted to bring this up now instead of stewing over it for a week lol.
Mark: This might be a good time to say goodnight and think about all of this.
Monique: I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable. I can’t imagine that what I said was too much of a surprise …
Mark: I know. I’ll call you en route to B-Town tomorrow.
Monique: good night then
Mark: Talk to you later…
Who knows …
I called Mark this morning while I was getting ready for work, to find out if he found his wallet. He did, it was in his car all along. The rest of the conversation didn’t go so well. I ended it quickly, as I still had to get dressed, etc., and told him to have a good day. He brought up again a mistake that he made at work yesterday — a mistake I tried to be suppportive about last night — and once again, I said something like, “Hey, it happens.” He replied, “No, it should not have happened! It was dangerous and reckless.” I said, “Okay … why did it happen then?” and he said, “Because I’m an idiot.” Jesus Christ. I commented that that was a blanket statement and he said, “Yeah, well, whatever.” WTF??
I’m tired of being supportive and accepting of him while getting little in return. I sent him my letter today, so we’ll see what happens. He should receive it tomorrow.
Mark called me again tonight. I was at Panera, eating a bowl of chicken noodle soup for dinner. He had lost his wallet and was looking for it while he was on the phone with me. I like attention. Don’t call me while you’re doing something else! We talked for about 20 minutes and I was bored, because our conversation was so surface-level.
Considering I probably won’t see him this weekend, I wrote him a letter. An actual letter, to be sent through the U.S. mail.
“I have a tendency to talk and talk yet not really say too much, especially when it comes to talking about my feelings. I have never been comfortable sharing my emotions – most likely because my parents aren’t – so I try to avoid doing so. Which, of course, doesn’t serve me well in a relationship. I mean, the entire point is for us to get to know each other and I’m not making it easy to know me.
I’m telling you this because I want you to know me. It’s just not easy for me to open up. You can ask me whatever you want to know – I may blush, I may stammer, but I will answer. I like you and I like being with you, and I want us to be on more than a superficial level, at least when we’re not laughing over nothing! xoxo M.”
Hell if I know what to do. I’m torn. I like Mark. And I like Ryan. I want to see where things go with Mark, but I’m scared to try and to fail. Oh hell. Hell, hell, hell.
Last night I was chatting with Ryan and he told me that one of his resolutions was to be, and I quote, “less pervy … at least with you.” I asked him why and he said it was because he felt like he was always “one way” (i.e. pervy) with me.
Hmm.
Tonight he invited me over to watch a few movies. He rented “Transporter 2″ specifically because I wanted to see it. We also watched “Dark Water.” There was no hanky-panky, although I did grab his arm a few times during the parts of “Dark Water” that made me jump. I gave him a quick peck on the lips when I left but that was more out of habit than anything else.
Of course Mark called while I was there lol. He changed his cell # (new area code) and sent me an e-mail — to my old e-mail address — as a part of a group e-mail to give me the new number.
I was thinking tonight about how relaxed I felt with Ryan. Maybe that’s because I know that it will never be more than what it currently is. I mean, I still think we’d have a lot of fun if we dated but we’re not going to. There’s so much I want to say to Mark but I get scared, start wondering if I’m saying too much, so I stop, but then I feel like we’re not connecting like we should, like I’m not letting him know me.
I’m going to a workshop on Sunday to get “unstuck” and work on meeting my goals. I had to list three goals and they are to (1) remove the physical clutter from my home; (2) pay off my credit-card debt and (3) be emotionally open and available in my relationships. I also have to list my three greatest accomplishments and I can’t! I was shocked. I have one, that I’m living on my own after ending a relationship of 10+ years, but I can’t come up with two more. How disconnected am I from my own life?!?
Is there anything worse than knowing other people are having sex when you’re not?
My downstairs neighbors are. I know, because I can hear. My bathroom is above their bedroom. Despite their best efforts to cover up their luvvvvv makin’ with such hits as “My Boo” and “How Deep Is Your Love?” I know what they are up to.
And it pisses me off.
I shouldn’t be cranky, considering I spent last night at Mark’s, but I am.
Guess I’ll be running errands tonight after all. So help me God, if they are still going at it in an hour or two, I may cry.
I just took the “World’s Smallest Political Quiz,” and yes, I’m a liberal. Duh.
LIBERALS usually embrace freedom of choice in personal matters, but tend to support significant government control of the economy. They generally support a government-funded “safety net” to help the disadvantaged, and advocate strict regulation of business. Liberals tend to favor environmental regulations, defend civil liberties and free expression, support government action to promote equality, and tolerate diverse lifestyles.
Talked to Mark this morning. He apologized for the other night, saying he was just joking. I’m going to chalk it up to him trying to be funny, but failing, and me being hormonal. (I do have a tendency to be short-tempered the day before my monthly “visitor” comes to call.) Anyway he asked me to have dinner with him tomorrow night so perhaps I’ll have a glass of wine and chat with him about some things.
Ironically the “gay” theme is following me through the weekend. Last weekend I saw an excellent play, “Southern Baptist Sissies;” if you’re in the Indianapolis area I recommend that you go see it at Theater on the Square. Tonight I’m going to see “Brokeback Mountain” with a group of friends. That movie has “tragedy” written all over it, and in fact, I stumbled across the ending on cnn.com. Maybe it will heal some of my baggage. But there was a character in the play last night who tried to deny his homosexuality by being involved with a woman. Of course in the end, he returned to his male partner; I was probably the only person in the theater wondering, what about the woman he left behind? Why after more than a year, do I still sometimes want to go to Kansas and bitch-slap that bisexual jackass??? Because he gave me a whole new set of insecurities that I don’t know how I will leave behind.
I think my gaydar is pretty accurate. In fact, a gay friend has even asked me for “confirmation” before. So I was a little surprised today when my therapist asked me if I thought Mark might be gay.
Huh?
Now, granted, I did get myself into a heartbreaking situation about two years ago with a former colleague who was sexually confused. So I have some history and some baggage. I will also grant her the knowledge that yes, Mark listens to show tunes. Mark also acted and sang professionally. His closet is organized. He eats well.
Mark also follows college basketball and pro football. I haven’t heard any Barbra Streisand, Liza Minelli, Madonna, Harvey Fierstein or any other artist considered to be an icon in the gay community. He has the decorating sense of a 21 year old. He was going to buy a blue plaid pillow to put on a bed with a forrest green and burgundy comforter!
She asked if his shirt — the black w/ flames shirt — bothered me because I thought it was “gay.” I laughed and said I didn’t know one gay man who would consider wearing a shirt like that. She even asked me if I was sure all of his exes were women!!!! I pointed out that John, the former co-worker, never used pronouns when talking about relationships. Mark, by contrast, has told me names, always said “she” — I don’t know. Maybe she got sick of me bitching about John and wants to head off another situation. Maybe she just wanted me to think.
By her reasoning, I could be a lesbian because I like hockey, my apartment is messy and I don’t wear dresses often. Is my ex-husband gay because he didn’t want to have sex with me??? I thought about it today, and almost all of the straight guys I know have some stereotypical “female” traits. A friend’s husband will only drink fat-free cappuccino — from the gas station. Ryan uses a face masque once or twice a month. Another friend’s husband gets pedicures (no polish lol).
Of course I can’t say with 100% certainty that Mark is heterosexual. But my “bi” friend and I never even kissed, let alone had sex. And while Mark may have had performance issues early on, he has had no hesitation when it comes to being affectionate.
What bothered me the most is that there’s no way to prove you’re “not” something. Mark could have been thinking of Jake Gyllenhall last weekend while we were having sex. I could have been thinking of Pam Anderson. But I wasn’t. I was focused on him, and I’m going to keep on thinking that he was focused on me.
————————————————————————————
Oh my God. I know I’m a little hypersenstive, but I just had the weirdest online conversation with Mark. Here are the highlights. I need a drink.
mark says:
It won’t be too bad. I’m doing orientation next week, so I’ll probably spend a lot of time watching videos on the company policy about sexual harassment.
Monique says:
Maybe you’ll learn about giving ‘em a pickle!
mark says:
Sweet. If they want I have lots of videos that involve sexual harassment. I could bring them in.
Monique says:
you seem stuck on the sexual harassment theme
Monique says:
a favorite of yours?
mark says:
yes please
Monique says:
lol I could use some tonight
mark says:
Get your gay boyfriend to help you.
Monique says:
I could. But he’s GAY.
mark says:
I’ve known gay guys to have heterosex
mark says:
“It’s all the same when the lights are out” as one out it.
Monique says:
Wow, just what every girl wants to think. That the guy she’s with is really gay and she’s just an experiment.
mark says:
I thought I’d dabble.
Monique says:
Nice.
mark says:
I must say I’m impressed though.
Monique says:
That explains the show tunes, the flaming shirt/shoes combo …
mark says:
duh.
mark says:
I hace another shirt featuring the fantastic 4 character “Human Torch” that says “flame on!” on the back
Monique says:
I told you a while ago the role of “gay boyfriend” was already taken. I prefer a straight boyfriend for all activities other than gossip and the occasional night out at the strip club.
Monique says:
Maybe I should reply to some of those e-mails I’ve received through match!
mark says:
You go to strip clubs?
Monique says:
I have. To see men.
mark says:
hello?
Monique says:
what?
mark says:
That’s why I’m here
—————————————————————————————————————–
Monique says:
have fun painting. you’re missing “dancing with the stars” by the way.
Monique says:
George Hamilton is on.
mark says:
he’s gay
Monique says:
you’re weirding me out with the gay talk.
mark says:
toodles sweetness *kiss*kiss*
mark says:
KEEP IT GAY KEEP IT GAY KEEP IT GAY!!!
Monique says:
what???
mark says:
It’s a song in “The Producers”.
Monique says:
Of course it is.
mark says:
anyway…godnight!
Monique says:
bye
WTF????
