Couldn’t Do It

Go out with Brian, that is.

It’s mostly guilt, with a little bit of allergies thrown in (dry red eyes, runny nose). But mostly guilt.

What it came down to is that I would be hurt if Mark was going out with someone else. I am new to the dating-again scene, esp. dating someone more than twice, so I don’t know what the “rules” are … our commitment if fuzzy at best, but I keep thinking back to the conversation we had about three weeks in, when he asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, and I kind of (okay, really) panicked. Then later I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said no. We haven’t talked about it since, although he has referred to me as his girlfriend.

The guilt also came into play because Brian seems like a guy I would really like. And I don’t want to jerk him around, going out with him only because I’m feeling confused about Mark. So I need to clear the air with Mark on Saturday/Sunday, see if I’m still feeling ambivalent and go on from there.

Oh … in an example of my further confusion, I sent Mark another handwritten note after our last phone conversation, when he was upset that his favorite patient was dying. The note simply said, “I like hearing about your work. You have so much strength and compassion. You amaze me. — M.” I mailed it yesterday morning so he should get it today.