I think my gaydar is pretty accurate. In fact, a gay friend has even asked me for “confirmation” before. So I was a little surprised today when my therapist asked me if I thought Mark might be gay.

Huh?

Now, granted, I did get myself into a heartbreaking situation about two years ago with a former colleague who was sexually confused. So I have some history and some baggage. I will also grant her the knowledge that yes, Mark listens to show tunes. Mark also acted and sang professionally. His closet is organized. He eats well.

Mark also follows college basketball and pro football. I haven’t heard any Barbra Streisand, Liza Minelli, Madonna, Harvey Fierstein or any other artist considered to be an icon in the gay community. He has the decorating sense of a 21 year old. He was going to buy a blue plaid pillow to put on a bed with a forrest green and burgundy comforter!

She asked if his shirt — the black w/ flames shirt — bothered me because I thought it was “gay.” I laughed and said I didn’t know one gay man who would consider wearing a shirt like that. She even asked me if I was sure all of his exes were women!!!! I pointed out that John, the former co-worker, never used pronouns when talking about relationships. Mark, by contrast, has told me names, always said “she” — I don’t know. Maybe she got sick of me bitching about John and wants to head off another situation. Maybe she just wanted me to think.

By her reasoning, I could be a lesbian because I like hockey, my apartment is messy and I don’t wear dresses often. Is my ex-husband gay because he didn’t want to have sex with me??? I thought about it today, and almost all of the straight guys I know have some stereotypical “female” traits. A friend’s husband will only drink fat-free cappuccino — from the gas station. Ryan uses a face masque once or twice a month. Another friend’s husband gets pedicures (no polish lol).

Of course I can’t say with 100% certainty that Mark is heterosexual. But my “bi” friend and I never even kissed, let alone had sex. And while Mark may have had performance issues early on, he has had no hesitation when it comes to being affectionate.

What bothered me the most is that there’s no way to prove you’re “not” something. Mark could have been thinking of Jake Gyllenhall last weekend while we were having sex. I could have been thinking of Pam Anderson. But I wasn’t. I was focused on him, and I’m going to keep on thinking that he was focused on me.

————————————————————————————

Oh my God. I know I’m a little hypersenstive, but I just had the weirdest online conversation with Mark. Here are the highlights. I need a drink.

mark says:
It won’t be too bad. I’m doing orientation next week, so I’ll probably spend a lot of time watching videos on the company policy about sexual harassment.
Monique says:
Maybe you’ll learn about giving ‘em a pickle!
mark says:
Sweet. If they want I have lots of videos that involve sexual harassment. I could bring them in.
Monique says:
you seem stuck on the sexual harassment theme
Monique says:
a favorite of yours?
mark says:
yes please
Monique says:
lol I could use some tonight
mark says:
Get your gay boyfriend to help you.
Monique says:
I could. But he’s GAY.
mark says:
I’ve known gay guys to have heterosex
mark says:
“It’s all the same when the lights are out” as one out it.
Monique says:
Wow, just what every girl wants to think. That the guy she’s with is really gay and she’s just an experiment.
mark says:
I thought I’d dabble.
Monique says:
Nice.
mark says:
I must say I’m impressed though.
Monique says:
That explains the show tunes, the flaming shirt/shoes combo …
mark says:
duh.
mark says:
I hace another shirt featuring the fantastic 4 character “Human Torch” that says “flame on!” on the back
Monique says:
I told you a while ago the role of “gay boyfriend” was already taken. I prefer a straight boyfriend for all activities other than gossip and the occasional night out at the strip club.
Monique says:
Maybe I should reply to some of those e-mails I’ve received through match!
mark says:
You go to strip clubs?
Monique says:
I have. To see men.
mark says:
hello?
Monique says:
what?
mark says:
That’s why I’m here
—————————————————————————————————————–
Monique says:
have fun painting. you’re missing “dancing with the stars” by the way.
Monique says:
George Hamilton is on.
mark says:
he’s gay
Monique says:
you’re weirding me out with the gay talk.
mark says:
toodles sweetness *kiss*kiss*
mark says:
KEEP IT GAY KEEP IT GAY KEEP IT GAY!!!
Monique says:
what???
mark says:
It’s a song in “The Producers”.
Monique says:
Of course it is.
mark says:
anyway…godnight!
Monique says:
bye

WTF????