Mark accepted the local job.

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.20.2005
∗ Uncategorized
∗ Comments (1)

Just my luck.

I tried to be cute today and sent Mark and e-mail that said each day this week, we were to share something about ourselves then ask the other a question. So I asked him about his most treasured holiday memory.

He fucking hits me with this:

“In the Harry Potter books, the author describes a magical mirror called the ‘Mirror of Erised.’ When you stand in front of it you see the thing you desire most. ‘The happiest person would stand in front of it and see nothing but themselves as they are’ said one of Harry’s teachers. What would you see standing in front of the Mirror of Erised?”

What the hell???? Oh my god. Yeah, that’s an easy question to answer. I could have been coy or jackassy but I wasn’t. I was honest. That’s how I’m working this relationship and it seems to be turning out okay so far.

This was my response:

“I would see myself as others see me and not as I see myself.

Most of the time I’m able to focus on the things that I like about myself – I’m smart, funny, quick witted, a good listener, empathetic – but there are times when my confidence disappears and I feel like I’m 12 years old again. (At that age, I wore glasses AND braces, had unruly hair, and was painfully shy and uncomfortable with my body.)

About a year and a half ago, when I had a couple of messy situations in my life, I was pouring my heart out to a friend, basically asking the ever-popular self-pitying question of ‘why me?’ She was trying to make me feel better when she said, ‘Because, Catherine, you’re so easy to love.’ Of course, it just made me cry more, but during those times when it feels like 1986 all over again, I try to remember what she said and tell myself no one but me cares if I do something ‘perfectly.’

A mirror that I could look into and see that it’s okay to be ‘flawed’ would be a lovely thing to have around …”

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.19.2005
∗ Uncategorized
∗ Comments Off

I’m already thinking about my new year’s resolutions. So far the only one that has ever stuck was when I decreed, in ‘04, that I would send thank-you cards. I like feeling at least semi-mannered.

Here are some potential resolutions:
Get organized. This is a big one. I have SO MUCH CRAP! It’s ridiculous. I have things in boxes that I haven’t even opened since I moved from my house to my apartment A YEAR AGO. I need to clear out the clutter in my apartment, my garage, my desk at work. I need to go through my clothes, throw out what I don’t wear/doesn’t fit/will never fit again and make an inventory. Do I need yet another black shirt? NO!

Money management. I’ve been divorced nearly a year. It’s time I learned to live on my income. I need to pay down my debt, figure out which expenses are essential and how to cut back on those that are not. But …. even if it means I’m eating ramen noodles for dinner, I can NOT give up the eyebrow waxing. End of discussion. I downgraded to basic cable, but there are some things I simply can’t do!!!

Volunteer. Find a charitable organization with which to become involved. I need something that takes up some of my time but that I can’t get overinvolved in.

Nurture my spirituality. Commit to trying out new churches in ‘06. I can think of three I’d like to try. Give each one a month. Involvement of women beyond that of Sunday-school teachers is a must as is a general spirit of open-mindedness.

To be continued …

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.18.2005
∗ Uncategorized
∗ Comments Off

Not a normal term of endearment, but Mark said I make him “go all Shakespearean.” He usually calls me that right before he moves in for a kiss, so it’s all right with me. The way he says it, it’s actually a charming nickname — especially because it’s delivered in a passable British accent.

We had a nice weekend. Bless his heart, he was a good sport about attending the local minor-league hockey game. We went out for chocolate fondue afterwards (part of my Xmas present to him) then came back to my place. He gave me a bottle of wine plus two candles (one of which is “mulled wine” scented). I was somewhat embarassed, given that he doesn’t drink at all, but the most I’ve had to drink in front of him is one glass of wine. I added the bottle to my wine rack, stocked with two other dusty bottles lol. The other part of my gift to him was a photo of me, the photo that prompted him to e-mail me in the first place. I wasn’t sure about giving him the photo, but he seemed very pleased.

He received an offer from the company that he interviewed with locally and is waiting to hear back from the company in Chicago. I don’t know for what to hope. I won’t see him until New Year’s Eve anyway, so everything should be figured out on his end by then. He had mentioned doing something on the 31st a few times, so I asked him today if we were. He said he had “another offer,” from a friend of his from grad school and her two friends. I told him if he was going to go out with them to let me know, so I could make other plans, i.e. with an “inappropriate” 26-year-old (he only knows about Ryan in generalities, in that I said I dated younger men before him). He was making jokes and I said, “You think I’m kidding?” He replied, “No, I don’t. That’s why I want to go out with you and not them!”

This morning we went back to bed after we went out for breakfast. We took a quick nap afterwards, and he said, “You went to all of that trouble to look nice this morning …” and I expected yet another zinger, but he surprised by finishing his sentence thusly: “But you look even better now.”

Sigh.

He referred to me a few more times as his girlfriend. I stil haven’t said, “This is my boyfriend, Mark,” but I’m feeling better about it. I think I’ve identified the issue. I’m afraid I’m going to call him my boyfriend and he will say, “No, I’m not your boyfriend!” More old baggage to let go …

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.18.2005
∗ Uncategorized
∗ Comments Off

I have insane eyebrows. So insane that I have them waxed every other week. I have a VIP card from my salon, entitling me to 10% off all services and products, because I spend so much freakin’ money there. Now that Xmas is upon us, I’m not too keen on forking over for a big tip, not when I give her approximately $350 a year anyway (oh, that doesn’t include a facial or two each year … and when you count the $400 or so I spend on my hair, well, dang …)

I had the semi-brilliant idea to bling up some mugs (yes, I’m aware of how painfully passe the word “bling” is, but I care not), fill them with hot chocolate and chai, and maybe a Sephora gift card for the two girls, Katie and Amber, who keep Miss Monique lookin’ so damn fabulous. It took me all of five minutes to glue on some fake rhinestones (can rhinestones be fake?). I think they’re cute! And the best part is that the mugs only cost 48 cents each. : )

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.14.2005
∗ Uncategorized
∗ Comments Off

Just heard an old favorite on the radio. The words to this song always reasonated with me …

“Silent All These Years” by Tori Amos
Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won’t bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin’ at me again
Yeah I can hear that

Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know but nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me you never shut up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I’m a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I don’t care
Cause sometimes I said sometimes I hear my voice and it’s been
Here silent all these years

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What’s so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How’s that thought for you

My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there’s a heaven where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker do you think it’s enough
To get us there

But what if I’m a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I don’t care
Cause sometimes I said sometimes I hear my voice and it’s been
Here silent all these

Years go by will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by if I’m stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds raining in my head
Years go by will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we’re to easy easy easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let’s hear what you think of me now but baby don’t look up
The sky is falling

Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It’s your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin’ at you here take hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them

But what if I’m a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I don’t care
Cause sometimes I said sometimes I hear my voice
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
And it’s been here silent all these years
I’ve been here silent all these years
Silent all these
Silent all these years

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.14.2005
∗ Uncategorized
∗ Comments Off

Late Sunday afternoon I decided to e-mail Mark, as I am more comfortable putting my words on paper, so to speak. I apologized for letting my frustration get the better of me Sunday morning and that it had been a while since I had been intimate with someone for whom I felt more than affection or attraction so mixing emotions and sex was kind of scary for me. I suggested that we take sex out of the equation until the time seemed right for both of us.

Then I told him about my history with long-distance relationships. After explaining a bit of how things were with my ex, I wrote, “So when you said you were looking at jobs out of state, my gut reaction was (a) Do we cut our losses and end things now and (b) If we keep seeing each other, is this going to be a repeat of my past? i.e. Will we end up in the same city, feeling ’stuck’ with each other?” The heart of the mater is, I am terrified I am going to get hurt and I am terrified that if I throw in the towel, I’m going to miss out on something good.

I’ve talked to him Monday and tonight, and he hasn’t mentioned my e-mail. He has two interviews this week, one locally and one in Chicago. He’s coming over Saturday so I don’t know how I’ll approach it. Maybe I just won’t. He knows my feelings, but he’s going to make his decision regardless. I just really like him …

In other news, my brother called me tonight for the first time in probably five years. He and his girlfriend broke up and he wanted me to know so I wouldn’t buy her a Christmas gift. But I could tell he was hurt and he did talk some about her. I was sad for him, but also pleased that he called. I’ve been trying to establish a more “adult” relationship with him for a while now …

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.13.2005
∗ Uncategorized
∗ Comments Off

So Mark came over yesterday, late morning. We spent all day together: went to lunch, did some Christmas shopping (or at least looking for presents), watched a movie, ordered a pizza for dinner … Of course, we had liberal amounts of “together” time throughout the day.

Therein lies the problem: Everything is fine until I touch him. Yes, he could be hard as a freakin’ rock, but if touched him with any part of my body, he instantly lost it … just wilted away. It even happened today while I was doing what men supposedly love to receive most … I thought if it works this way, maybe it would “fix” whatever the problem it is. It was fine, for a few seconds, then I could literally feel him withering away. But how do you stop??? So I kept on, until he stopped me – and I was pissed, I couldn’t help it. I said, “Everything seems to be fine until I touch you – I don’t know what the hell to think …” He said, “It’s my fucking problem,” which I know it is, I mean, other men have been hard in my presence, but that’s cold comfort when I feel like I’m the reason he’s both getting and losing an erection. Maybe he’s thinking of someone else. Maybe his heart is elsewhere. Maybe he’s like me and freaked out about being intimate with someone with whom there is an emotional connection. I don’t know.

I told him that I really liked him, but if he wasn’t into me that way, now is the time to end things. He pulled me close and told me he really liked me, too, that I was sweet and beautiful, and the connection he feels with me, he hasn’t felt with anyone in a long time. He said maybe he just needs time. And that’s cool – but why try to get my ass into bed every chance he gets???

That was just at the end of our time together this morning, so it’s coloring my mood. We did have lots of fun. This was a sweet moment: I commented that he seemed ticklish and he said that lots of women have found that annoying. I told him that I didn’t want to hear about what “lots of women” have thought. I asked if he wanted to hear from my “references.” He said, “How many girls am I seeing?” I said that universally understood sound that means “I don’t know.” He said, “One. I am seeing one girl.” Then he kissed me. After the kiss, he repeated, “I am seeing one girl …”

Oh, he referred to me as his “girlfriend” a few times. I still feel weird about calling him my “boyfriend.” (A) It’s been three weeks. (B) It sounds to juvenile to say “boyfriend” when you’re both over 30. (C) It’s been three weeks.

I don’t know if anyone actually reads this blog, but I could use some help here. What do you think the deal with the disappearing erection is????

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.11.2005
∗ Uncategorized
∗ Comments (3)

So I’m sitting here, pondering why I’m so fabulous and why I shouldn’t be so insecure, and instead of thinking about myself, I can’t but help but thing of my super-fab friend Chris. He had surgery today, a procedure that was medically necessary but has the side benefit of being life-changing. I realized this summer that Chris may be the first friend I ever had that I didn’t feel some sort of competition with. I’m just able to appreciate and admire him and all that he has to offer. He is about the only person whose happiness I value as much as my own, and that’s because he is, at heart, a good man. I can’t wait for him to realize just how wonderful he is …

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.09.2005
∗ Uncategorized
∗ Comments Off

What a long week. I am absolutely exhausted. I even left work early today because I felt like I was going to drop. I hope I’m not getting sick. I hate feeling like this …

I had dinner with a friend tonight — Italian, yummy — and then did a little shopping. Mark called me this evening and we talked for about 30 minutes. He turned on his webcam so I could see him; even wearing a backwards ball cap the man is absolutely adorable. He’s coming over tomorrow in the late morning, and he mentioned he “may” have to leave in the evening to take his niece and nephew to a movie. Huh? After I said, “Oh, okay …” he said that he didn’t have to, that his parents could, and his preference was to be with me. It’s fucking Saturday night. Why do I want a daytime date??? But I told him that I could amuse myself. Hopefully I can reign in my self-destructive tendencies and not call Ryan to be my source of amusement …

My family lives in another state — I moved here after I got married — so my familial obligations come due every few months or so. Even when I lived near my parents, it’s not like we ever did much together. My mom has been here twice in seven years and my dad has been here four times. So I really have concept of or patience for anyone putting their family of origin before me (part of my “sullen little bitch” mood I suppose). But I’m not going to raise a fuss; it is kind of cute that his niece and nephew actually want to spend time with him.

I’m trying not to let my insecurities get the best of me. I need to remind myself of what makes me such a fabulous person … I am so “good” at asking others questions so the focus stays off of me. When will I feel like I alone am enough? I told Mark that I felt so boring after our first date, because I couldn’t remember one thing about myself that I thought was of interest. He was shocked. He said that no one holds his attention like I do — so why can’t I believe him?

I have to be honest and upfront tomorrow regarding my confusion about the possibility of him moving out of state. I feel like I’m either going to lose this potentially promising relationship or repeat the mistakes of the past, and neither is an option I’m interested in …

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.09.2005
∗ Uncategorized
∗ Comments Off