If you read Oprah’s “O” magazine, the last page is a column written by her called “The One Thing I Know Is True” (or something like that). This is what I know is true: “It has to get better than this.”

At times, that has been my mantra. Knowing that to be true has gotten me through bouts of depression (aided by medication and therapy, of course), an unhappy marriage and subsequent sometimes-happy, sometimes-un divorce. All in all, 2005 was a pretty good year. I came to a lot of realizations about myself.

· I realized that I’m okay on my own.
· I realized that I can share of myself and develop strong friendships.
· I realized that there are men who find me attractive, witty and interesting.
· I realized that I AM attractive, witty and interesting.
· I realized that I’m better at taking risks than I thought.
· I realized that not everything has to go according to MY plan, and it’s a lot more fun when, in fact, it doesn’t.
· I realized that I’m responsible for some of the things that led to the end of my marriage, but I’m not responsible for them all.
· I realized that I don’t have to hold a grudge, and it’s possible to feel some anger, pity and sadness and not really understand why someone did what they did, but release most of those feelings and not be burdened by them.
· I realized that opening myself to someone physically is a hell of a lot easier for me than opening myself emotionally. I also realized that sex without love can be quite satisfying and quite empty at the same time.

As good as this year has been, I know that it has to get better than this.

I’m going to see Mark’s new apartment tonight. We’re either going to a comedy club or to a movie. I think I’m going to dress a little flashier, a little sexier than I usually do. It IS New Year’s Eve. I have a lot to celebrate, the least of which is a date with an interesting, intelligent man who is fabulously attractive. I was telling my therapist about the “mirror” question Mark asked me and she laughed and said, “I think this man scares the bejeebers out of you.” That he does …

Happy New Year, everyone.

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.31.2005
∗ Uncategorized