History Lessons

Late Sunday afternoon I decided to e-mail Mark, as I am more comfortable putting my words on paper, so to speak. I apologized for letting my frustration get the better of me Sunday morning and that it had been a while since I had been intimate with someone for whom I felt more than affection or attraction so mixing emotions and sex was kind of scary for me. I suggested that we take sex out of the equation until the time seemed right for both of us.

Then I told him about my history with long-distance relationships. After explaining a bit of how things were with my ex, I wrote, “So when you said you were looking at jobs out of state, my gut reaction was (a) Do we cut our losses and end things now and (b) If we keep seeing each other, is this going to be a repeat of my past? i.e. Will we end up in the same city, feeling ’stuck’ with each other?” The heart of the mater is, I am terrified I am going to get hurt and I am terrified that if I throw in the towel, I’m going to miss out on something good.

I’ve talked to him Monday and tonight, and he hasn’t mentioned my e-mail. He has two interviews this week, one locally and one in Chicago. He’s coming over Saturday so I don’t know how I’ll approach it. Maybe I just won’t. He knows my feelings, but he’s going to make his decision regardless. I just really like him …

In other news, my brother called me tonight for the first time in probably five years. He and his girlfriend broke up and he wanted me to know so I wouldn’t buy her a Christmas gift. But I could tell he was hurt and he did talk some about her. I was sad for him, but also pleased that he called. I’ve been trying to establish a more “adult” relationship with him for a while now …