So Mark came over yesterday, late morning. We spent all day together: went to lunch, did some Christmas shopping (or at least looking for presents), watched a movie, ordered a pizza for dinner … Of course, we had liberal amounts of “together” time throughout the day.

Therein lies the problem: Everything is fine until I touch him. Yes, he could be hard as a freakin’ rock, but if touched him with any part of my body, he instantly lost it … just wilted away. It even happened today while I was doing what men supposedly love to receive most … I thought if it works this way, maybe it would “fix” whatever the problem it is. It was fine, for a few seconds, then I could literally feel him withering away. But how do you stop??? So I kept on, until he stopped me – and I was pissed, I couldn’t help it. I said, “Everything seems to be fine until I touch you – I don’t know what the hell to think …” He said, “It’s my fucking problem,” which I know it is, I mean, other men have been hard in my presence, but that’s cold comfort when I feel like I’m the reason he’s both getting and losing an erection. Maybe he’s thinking of someone else. Maybe his heart is elsewhere. Maybe he’s like me and freaked out about being intimate with someone with whom there is an emotional connection. I don’t know.

I told him that I really liked him, but if he wasn’t into me that way, now is the time to end things. He pulled me close and told me he really liked me, too, that I was sweet and beautiful, and the connection he feels with me, he hasn’t felt with anyone in a long time. He said maybe he just needs time. And that’s cool – but why try to get my ass into bed every chance he gets???

That was just at the end of our time together this morning, so it’s coloring my mood. We did have lots of fun. This was a sweet moment: I commented that he seemed ticklish and he said that lots of women have found that annoying. I told him that I didn’t want to hear about what “lots of women” have thought. I asked if he wanted to hear from my “references.” He said, “How many girls am I seeing?” I said that universally understood sound that means “I don’t know.” He said, “One. I am seeing one girl.” Then he kissed me. After the kiss, he repeated, “I am seeing one girl …”

Oh, he referred to me as his “girlfriend” a few times. I still feel weird about calling him my “boyfriend.” (A) It’s been three weeks. (B) It sounds to juvenile to say “boyfriend” when you’re both over 30. (C) It’s been three weeks.

I don’t know if anyone actually reads this blog, but I could use some help here. What do you think the deal with the disappearing erection is????

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.11.2005
∗ Uncategorized