Friday night

What a long week. I am absolutely exhausted. I even left work early today because I felt like I was going to drop. I hope I’m not getting sick. I hate feeling like this …

I had dinner with a friend tonight — Italian, yummy — and then did a little shopping. Mark called me this evening and we talked for about 30 minutes. He turned on his webcam so I could see him; even wearing a backwards ball cap the man is absolutely adorable. He’s coming over tomorrow in the late morning, and he mentioned he “may” have to leave in the evening to take his niece and nephew to a movie. Huh? After I said, “Oh, okay …” he said that he didn’t have to, that his parents could, and his preference was to be with me. It’s fucking Saturday night. Why do I want a daytime date??? But I told him that I could amuse myself. Hopefully I can reign in my self-destructive tendencies and not call Ryan to be my source of amusement …

My family lives in another state — I moved here after I got married — so my familial obligations come due every few months or so. Even when I lived near my parents, it’s not like we ever did much together. My mom has been here twice in seven years and my dad has been here four times. So I really have concept of or patience for anyone putting their family of origin before me (part of my “sullen little bitch” mood I suppose). But I’m not going to raise a fuss; it is kind of cute that his niece and nephew actually want to spend time with him.

I’m trying not to let my insecurities get the best of me. I need to remind myself of what makes me such a fabulous person … I am so “good” at asking others questions so the focus stays off of me. When will I feel like I alone am enough? I told Mark that I felt so boring after our first date, because I couldn’t remember one thing about myself that I thought was of interest. He was shocked. He said that no one holds his attention like I do — so why can’t I believe him?

I have to be honest and upfront tomorrow regarding my confusion about the possibility of him moving out of state. I feel like I’m either going to lose this potentially promising relationship or repeat the mistakes of the past, and neither is an option I’m interested in …