Read the story about the baby hippo and the 100+ year old tortoise here.

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.31.2005
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If you read Oprah’s “O” magazine, the last page is a column written by her called “The One Thing I Know Is True” (or something like that). This is what I know is true: “It has to get better than this.”

At times, that has been my mantra. Knowing that to be true has gotten me through bouts of depression (aided by medication and therapy, of course), an unhappy marriage and subsequent sometimes-happy, sometimes-un divorce. All in all, 2005 was a pretty good year. I came to a lot of realizations about myself.

· I realized that I’m okay on my own.
· I realized that I can share of myself and develop strong friendships.
· I realized that there are men who find me attractive, witty and interesting.
· I realized that I AM attractive, witty and interesting.
· I realized that I’m better at taking risks than I thought.
· I realized that not everything has to go according to MY plan, and it’s a lot more fun when, in fact, it doesn’t.
· I realized that I’m responsible for some of the things that led to the end of my marriage, but I’m not responsible for them all.
· I realized that I don’t have to hold a grudge, and it’s possible to feel some anger, pity and sadness and not really understand why someone did what they did, but release most of those feelings and not be burdened by them.
· I realized that opening myself to someone physically is a hell of a lot easier for me than opening myself emotionally. I also realized that sex without love can be quite satisfying and quite empty at the same time.

As good as this year has been, I know that it has to get better than this.

I’m going to see Mark’s new apartment tonight. We’re either going to a comedy club or to a movie. I think I’m going to dress a little flashier, a little sexier than I usually do. It IS New Year’s Eve. I have a lot to celebrate, the least of which is a date with an interesting, intelligent man who is fabulously attractive. I was telling my therapist about the “mirror” question Mark asked me and she laughed and said, “I think this man scares the bejeebers out of you.” That he does …

Happy New Year, everyone.

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.31.2005
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Talked to Mark tonight. He was in a much better mood. He said something about this weekend and I said, “Oh no. You’re dissing me.” He said, “What? We’re not doing anything? … [pause] … what did I say last night?” I refrained from saying the four-letter words running through my mind and gave him a two-sentence synopsis. The gist of the matter is that we’re going out Saturday and he’s figuring out what to do.

I was telling him about a colleague who received a mink coat from her husband. Aside from wondering who the hell still wears mink, the gift leaves a bad taste in my mouth because just about every day, this woman bitches about her husband and what a dick he is. Two anniversaries ago, it was a Beemer convertible; this year, diamond earrings. Mark said, “Well, baby, a bottle of wine and candles will have to do until the $$$ starts rolling in.” I replied, “It’s okay. We’re still in the giddy stage of a budding relationship. Once that wears off, I’ll demand more.” “I’ll start saving,” was his response.

My therapist pointed out today that, at the first hint of trouble, I’m ready to bail. Which is true. But if I’m not going to deal with a little bit of unpleasantless, why date anyone more than once or twice? It was a huge deal for me to call Mark back last night. I still need to address the match.com issue. But I still need to address the Ryan issue on my own end.

Damn, damn, damn. At least he’s moving out of his parents’ this weekend. I think he was only there two months. He seems to be in a hurry to move too. Can’t say that I blame him. Of course I don’t know his parents, but hell if I could stand two months with mine.

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.29.2005
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So Mark called me tonight. He could not have sounded less thrilled to talk with me and, mind you, he called me. He was stressed b/c he starts his new job tomorrow and has to see a patient. I tried to be empathetic, but he kept changing the subject away from that — yet would go back to it once I started talking.

This has been a major annoyance for me. I can say something like, “I’m glad to be back home” after spending five days with my parents. Instead of saying, “Oh yeah, I know what you mean,” he said, “I’m glad to be moving out this weekend. That’s where my mind is.” The more he uses that conversational ploy, the less I want to talk with him.

Then this weekend entered the conversation and I asked him if he still was coming over Saturday, as he’s the one who wanted to do something. He said, “Um. I guess. What’s Saturday?” When I said, “New Year’s Eve,” he said, “oh.” I said, “Do you still want to do something or should I make other plans, because it’s already Wednesday?” “Um. No. I should be able to do something.” Oh hell no. Five weeks of dating is not nearly soon enough to leave me hanging.

Anyway we ended getting off the phone. I was checking my e-mail and decided to check match.com to see what his status was — and he was online right then! I sat and stewed and decided that wasn’t the right thing for me to do. So about 20 minutes later I called him back - and HE DIDN’T ANSWER! I left him a message saying the conversation didn’t sit well with me, that I felt like I was keeping him from what he wanted/needed to do (ie reading), that I wasn’t sure why he called and it just seemed strange.

He did call me back about 10 minutes later, and he apologized quite a bit. (He did say he has a lot going on right now, with work and his “life,” whatever the hell that means.) We talked for about 20 minutes. The conversation went a lot better than the first one.

I still don’t know what’s going on.

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.28.2005
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On Mondays, match.com posts new articles on their site about dating and relationships. While I was online, I looked at Mark’s profile. It said active within 24 hours! WTF? Last I checked it said active within 1 week.

I had my profile hidden for a few weeks. He never hid his. I just made mine visible again. What the hell, I’m still paying for it. I’m sure he won’t notice but it will make me feel better.

Damn it. I wish I knew if I was freaking out over my issues or his.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Oh hell. He just e-mailed me. His aunt and uncle have been visiting with him tonight, as they and his parents are going to a funeral tomorrow. I’m a bitch.

It still made me feel better to troll match.com lol.

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.26.2005
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Funny how when someone else says something, it makes sense.

My new friend, New York City’s Watchdog, posted an entry on his blog about my last entry. He called it “Red pill or blue pill.” (Yes, it took me a sec to get the “Matrix” reference lol). He talks about how a lot of people, myself (and it sounds like him, too), take the easy way out just because it’s “known” and we don’t have to deal with the fear of the unknown. In my case, it would be choosing Ryan over Mark, just because I know what I’m getting from Ryan (i.e. sex). Mark is a more fully developed person and thus has more potential to delight or disappoint me. Ryan will just continue to disappoint (outside of the bedroom, at least).

So here’s what it comes down to: Am I worth more than what Ryan has to offer?

Yes, I am.

Thanks, Watchdog, for the virtual kick in the pants. I’ll go for the red pill this time around.

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.26.2005
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Monique: “I like to be nice sometimes. And I like it when you are nice to me.”
Mark: “Sorry. Like I say…I get on a roll… I go overboard. I try to be nice too. I like being nice.”
Mark: “I never mean the mean things I guess I don’t think I’m being hurtful because I genuinely don’t mean those things. Just the opposite.”
Monique: “Okay. That’s good to know. Sometimes it’s hard to tell. And then I feel like you think I’m silly in a bad way or not as smart as you …”
Mark: “Not at all. I know you can keep pace with me.”

So what do you do, when you have two people who both use sarcasm too much? He can throw out the zingers, but gets his feelings bruised when I call him a “jackass.” I can dish it back to him, but then I start to take what he’s saying personally, even though his actions show that isn’t his intent.

But I’ve heard from Ryan more this weekend than I have Mark. Ryan wants to hook up next week. The thought, self-destructive as it is, still is appealing. At least with him I know what I’m getting.

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.25.2005
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Is it wrong that I think that Lorenzo Lamas is hot?

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.25.2005
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I have known Ryan for a year now. In that period of time, I have continually been amazed at his lack of emotional development.

He had his heart broken today.

No, not by me.

He found out a girl he had a major crush on in high school is getting married. He e-mailed her to congratulate her, and she replied that it seemed like the thing to do.

He was saddened that he never pursued anything with her. He said he never thought it would hurt this bad. He called it the worst feeling he has ever felt.

Poor punkin’.

Heartbreak is a bitch. But maybe it will make him a man.

P.S. Wednesday, he wanted me to come over. I turned him down.

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.23.2005
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I flew to Detroit this morning and am at my parents’ house for Christmas. I really have no plans until Monday, when I’m having lunch with a friend. I can’t say that I’m looking forward to two days of either complete inactivity or tagging along with my brother on his last-minute shopping. Either option sucks.

Met Mark for dinner last night downtown. Thank God he was paying, because it turned into an expensive evening. We went to Jillian’s, a restaurant/arcade/bowling alley. Dinner, which was pretty good, was about $25. Then we went upstairs to the arcade. You buy a card with a certain amount of points on it. The points for each game you play is subtracted automatically. I don’t know what possessed him, but he put $40 on the card! Most of the games were lame, but we did have a challenging game of air hockey (he beat me 7-6). Afterwards, we bowled. We ended up bowling three games each, mainly because I kicked his ass in the first two — and I’m a pretty crappy bowler. In the second game, I won 112 to 54! He beat me by five points in the third game, only because he rolled a strike in the last frame. All in all, he spent over $100. Oh well. I have a suspicion that he makes more money than I do!

I got annoyed with him while we were bowling, because it’s like he has to make everything into something funny. It gets old. I even asked him why he had to be so sarcastic all of the time. Like, I was teasing him after I trounced him, saying on our next day we could do something I’m no good at … but there really isn’t anything that I’m not good at. He said, “Oh, I can think of one thing!” I asked him what and of course he wouldn’t elaborate. He was teasing me after some friend called him (a woman) and I was like, whatever, I could have gotten laid last night (Ryan was sniffing around) …

Why am I focusing on the negatives? Is it him? Or is it just me?

I don’t know … it’s just hard to open your heart to someone using sarcasm to hide his. At least I realize now how annoying my use of sarcasm as a defense mechanism is. As I told Mark last night, “Baby, your games don’t work on me, ’cause I play ‘em all too …”

∗ Posted by Monique on 12.23.2005
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