So yesterday Jesse sent me the following e-mail:
First things first, I will be home tonight from Jersey. Let’s just say, I won’t miss it. However, it wasn’t all bad. One of the reasons I had to come to New Jersey was to meet my new boss. Our offices are experiencing growth and they are promoting me into a more regional role. Which brings me to the discussion of our time together. Let me start by saying that I am sorry. First, I hate having to write this out, but phone discussions are no more fun and this way I can take my time and say everything I need to say. Also, it is definately my fault for not being able to get together for dates. I have biten off more than I can chew right now. Unfortunately, this new position is going to take even more of my time. And ultimately, time is the only constraint our relationship seems to have. (My fault on that one of course)
As far as our time together; I have a great time with you. You are intelligent, fun, and have alot to offer a guy. To boot, you are beautiful and bring an energy to the table that is hard to find. I do want to say that I appreciate your honesty and maturity in this situation. Like you said, it has been a couple of dates. However, to me, we connected very quickly and seemed to have a great start. Talk with you soon. — Jesse
Well, damn.
This was my response:
Hi Jesse — Thanks for the e-mail. I understand about your work situation and know that, unfortunately, work sometimes has to come first. It can be difficult to find enough time in the week to fit in everything you want to do and everyone you want to see. I think that’s one of the ironies about being single: You try to make your life fulfilling as it is but then when you meet someone, how do you make room for them? It’s definitely a challenge …
Okay, enough philosphy. : ) The bottom line is that, yes, it can be fun to jump right into something and fall head over heels, but those are the relationships that generally don’t last. I’d rather move more slowly, get to know each other and see where things go. One thing I like about you is this air of fun and spontaneity that you have, and while I sometimes come across as somewhat reserved, I wouldn’t be opposed to a last-minute date at Starbucks for hot chocolate (okay, I know you hate Starbucks but you know what I mean) — although I do have some cute new clothes I’ve been itching to wear that would be a bit much for a coffee shop lol.
Thanks for the compliments … and in case you were wondering, I am looking forward to picking up where that quick kiss in the truck-stop parking lot ended. ; ) (You really surprised me with that, by the way — I hope I didn’t look too shocked!).
Give me a call when you get the chance and we’ll see how our schedules match up.
What I get from his e-mail is basically “I can’t promise anything but I like you …” I still have a good feeling about this. Besides I have another date (possibly two) tomorrow to look foward to … coffee w/ Mark II and a lunch date with Ryan (yes, THAT Ryan) …
My luck hasn’t been very good as of late.
I was supposed to go out with Mark, the adorable banker, tonight. We’ve been trying to get together for about five weeks but our schedules haven’t matched up. He called me yesterday after work to tell me he was on his way to two days worth of last-minute, out-of-town meetings. We ended up talking for about 45 minutes last night and I dropped the “d” word on him. No, not divorced — Democrat. Of course he’s a Republican. But we had a fun, semi-serious conversation about politics. He’s usually fun to talk to, but this was the most fun I’ve had talking to him. He also swore like a trucker, which I find oddly hot in such a conservative-looking guy.
Today Jesse e-mailed me. This came after I returned his call last Thursday AND called again on Sunday. The e-mail was really weird:
“I got your message. How are things in Indiana? Last week of the second job, not that you would know or anything. So, New Jersey, not so much fun. We can joke about Indiana all we want, but at least it isn’t Jersey. I hope all is well. Feel free to call again. For some reason, your call never even rang, it just showed up on my voicemail. I was at the airport talking with my mom when your message came through. Talk with you soon. Jesse”
I really don’t get the “Last week of the second job, not that you would know or anything.” What the hell does that mean? And is he talking about my second job or his?
After much deliberation, I decided to reply:
“I was waiting until we went out again, to see how things were, but I may as well be up front now. It’s a little confusing when you ask me out a week ahead of time, but cancel on me, and don’t return my calls for a few days, if at all. It all makes me think you’re not interested, but then you eventually get back in touch with me …
I had fun with you and we seemed to share an attraction, but we’ve only been out twice, so if you’re not interested, you know, it happens … But if you are interested in getting to know me better, we need to make sure our expectations are the same: You said you didn’t want to have to check in with a girl every 10 minutes, but there’s got to be a happy medium between that and once a week.
Like I said, I had a lot of fun hanging out with you and I think you are absolutely adorable; but I also wanted to be fair and let you know how I feel.”
We’ll see what happens from here …
After weeks of little sleep and endless bitching, my part-time job is over.
It actually ended on an anticlimactic note, as Friday was supposed to be the last day but there was no work to be done.
I’m not sure how much $$ I really made, because my gas consumption increased dramatically. My drive to and from the day job is about 12 miles total. The drive to the part-time job was about 30 miles round trip.
Now, the question is, what the hell am I going to do with my free time???
I did splurge last night on a super cool new toy for moi, the iHome alarm clock and iPod deck. I woke this morning to “Hello Time Bomb” by the Matthew Good Band. It was such a delight, much better than the normal buzz that I tend to ignore.
I went to bed last night about 10 p.m. and slept really well … for four hours. I was having a fabulous dream, involving me and a very cute blonde military guy (not my usual type at all!), and then I woke up. Literally. That was an hour ago. Now, if I had stopped at Starbucks on the way to the second job then I would understand waking up in the middle of the night. But I didn’t get coffee! I’m wide awake and in a pleasant mood now, but that will change the longer I’m awake, I’m sure.
I got out of the part-time job early last night, around 7:45 p.m. Jesse left me a message that he found out Wednesday that he has to go to New Jersey for work next week and thus will be out of town for our planned Sunday date. He wanted to know what my schedule was – what does it matter if he’s out of town? Anyway, I left him a VM but shock! didn’t hear back from him. Now that I think about it, our first date was one month ago, on Oct. 11th. I’ve seen him once since then. I suppose it’s better to move more slowly than too fast …
I am trying to be more relaxed and less controlled. I’m also beginning to see that men my age generally don’t seem to like to make plans, like detailed plans to the extent that I want. Jesse keeps making an effort to see me and I’m pretty sure he finds me attractive, so, for now, I’m believing that he’s been honest as to why he’s had to cancel. I just want to see him so I can judge how we interact. The third date is what I consider to be a turning point.
On the first date, I’m interested in getting to know the man on a basic level, seeing if he can carry on a conversation and make me laugh, and making sure we don’t have any glaring incompatibilities. The second date is when I try to make my interest known by flirting a bit more; if I am interested in a guy, I’ll make sure to touch his arm a few times when we’re talking and not shy away from his flirtations. But, honestly, if I have a decent first date, I almost always will go on a second.
It’s on the third date, however, that you can get a good idea of the other person’s interest level. There’s still a lot of uncertainty, but that’s when it’s time for me to turn on the charm – because if he’s not captivated now by my smile, laugh, sense of humor and intelligence, he never will be. If he can’t handle some gentle sass, then forget it. But if he not only enjoys the sass but returns the flirtation with some comments of his own, well, to quote “Sean Connery†as portrayed on SNL, “The game is afoot, Trebek!â€
A physically hot guy is sexy, of course. But there is nothing sexier to me than an attractive man with a quick wit and an air of intelligence. If a man can keep up with me, better get the smelling salts because I’m about to swoon. I need a man who will challenge me. I want a man who can potentially – but not always! – beat me in air hockey, miniature golf and Trivial Pursuit. More than anything, I need a man I can respect and admire and who, in turn, respects and admires me.
Near the end, I didn’t respect my ex. Actually I didn’t for a long time. The main reason was that he didn’t respect himself and his behavior reflected that. My therapist has been telling me that I need to treat myself like I’m precious. Not every man deserves me. I’m starting to see that she’s right. My first step was deciding not to have sex again until I’m in a serious, monogamous relationship. So what if my “number†is half or even a quarter of some of my friend’s? It’s mine. I used to be embarrassed that my ex was the first guy that I slept with, but I’m not anymore. You know, I’m not going to beat myself up if I f—k some guy on New Year’s Eve or anything like that, but I know what’s best for me and I know I’m not going to find it by jumping into bed with each guy I go out with.
I cringe when I think about how I would have handled being single throughout my 20s. I’m sure I would have used sex as a way to find “love,†and I’d probably be a lot more damaged emotionally than I am today. I did not treat myself as precious when it came to Ryan, and the experience hurt and damaged me. But now I know that I need someone to desire and love me. I’ve had one or the other, but not both at the same time. I mean, I believe my ex loved me, like I loved him, but it wasn’t a true, emotionally intimate and open kind of love.
On a side note, I am a major gossip. I don’t do it maliciously, I just love to share stories to feel connected. This week, two friends told me things in confidence and at first I thought, Oh my God, how am I not going to tell anyone??? But the realization that they each placed their trust in me quickly sobered me. One “tidbit†had to do with a friend’s realization that she wasn’t being true to herself after she did something she didn’t want to do. The other bit o’ news was about a business that a friend may buy. Now that I think of it, over the past few months different friends have told me some pretty major secrets – and I have kept them secret (well, one I shared with my therapist because I was totally freaked out but if you can’t trust your therapist, who can you trust???).
When am I going to stop seeing myself as this flaky kid and realize that I have grown into a mature adult?
So a few of the “dating” books I bought after my divorce talked about this concept called the “rotation.” The gist is that you date a few men, ideally three, once a week. It is supposed to stop you from getting too serious too fast. Who the hell does this work for? I can hardly find one guy to date, let alone three!
I called Jesse Sunday night. Yeah, I know I said I was going to wait until Tuesday, but I decided I wanted to talk to him instead of play more games. He sounded happy to hear from me, and told me so two or three times. We talked for probably 30 minutes … he apologized up front for taking so long to call me back and actually sounded a little peeved I waited until Sunday night to call him lol. He told me about his week at work, and having several new projects thrown at him. He mentioned again going out and we made plans for this Sunday (he’s going to a football game on Saturday). He kind of annoyed me but for no specific reason; I’m not sure if it was really him or me. I guess I’ll figure it out when I see him.
I was kind of complaining about him to my wise friend, who pointed out that not many guys ask a woman on a date a week in advance. “And he told you he was going to be really busy!” chimed in another friend. I was like, fine, be the voices of reason lol.
Mark, this guy I’ve been trying to get together with for like a month, called Sunday while I was out and about and we also talked for about 30 minutes. We made plans to meet next week for a drink. I’m looking forward to meeting him. He seems like an interesting person, someone I’d like to know.
To round out the trio, I heard from Ryan Sunday night, too. He found my profile on match.com lol. He said he created a profile expressly to “wink” at me. Whatever. We got to talking about dating and I told him about some of the guys I’ve gone out with. I think he was surprised at the quantity, but he needed to know that I’m not hanging out, waiting for him to grow up. He asked about Jesse, although not by name; I said we had gone out a few times and will again. I mentioned that Jesse and I went to an art/antique mall on a date and it was fun.
Later in the conversation, Ryan wanted to make a wager about the outcome of an upcoming football game between his favorite team and my alma mater. (His team is ranked much higher than mine.) He thought a while as to what he wanted if they won (I disallowed sexual favors) and he said he would like to go to the ANTIQUE MALL with me. How f-ing weird is that, to want to go someplace I just went with another guy???? If my team wins, I just want him to make me dinner!
God help me, I still have a soft spot for the jackass. My problem is that I still remember the insane physical attraction between us … I need to feel that with someone else. At any rate, I clearly have a major effect on Ryan, that he’s willing to keep coming back … I will date him but only if he plays by the same rules as the other suitors. But not sleeping with Ryan is going to take a major effort on my part. I can’t explain it, it’s like I am magnetically drawn to him. He kisses me and that’s it. Maybe Jesse will finally make a move on Sunday. It’s been a while since I’ve kissed someone new … oh God, besides Ryan, I haven’t kissed anyone since May.
So my phone rang about 11:30 this morning. The caller ID said “Jesse - cell.” I let it go to voice mail.
I called him Wednesday. Today is Saturday.
He left me a message, apologizing for not calling sooner and said he felt “horrible.” He was in a meeting last night until midnight and it will be the same today. He doesn’t think tomorrow will work to get together but he’d “love” to see me next weekend. He “really” wants to see me again.
To be fair, he sounded sincere. But he sounded sincere the last time he called, too.
What the hell?
Is so busy that he’s been traveling to places with no cell reception? I don’t think so. Even with my crazy-ass schedule, he could have called and left me a message earlier in the week. He could have sent an e-mail. There’s no excuse for waiting nearly 72 hours to call me back.
But that’s what I’m going to do. I’ll call him Tuesday. I don’t know if he’s just really busy or just doesn’t want to see me all that much … but if he doesn’t want to go out, he doesn’t have to keep calling. And I’ll tell him that. He needs to straight-up about his availability and his interest, because if it’s more than minimal in either case he needs to make some changes in his actions and his life.
So last night I was signed in to Yahoo Messenger. As the only person on my “buddy list” is my friend Chris and he was in California, I didn’t think anything of it … Imagine my surprise when Ryan sent me an IM, after 2+ weeks of silence. (Ryan is formerly known as MJCF … I grew tired of all of the nicknames.)
The tone was friendly yet not too familiar … he told me about how awful the past two weeks had been, although he didn’t mention anything about me. His car broke down, he’s been sick, work sucks, etc. etc. etc. I sent him a photo of me dressed up for Halloween and he commented on how cute I looked. Eventually he said he wanted me to know that he wasn’t trying to “start” anything by IM’ing me. I told him if he was, he was going to have to try a lot harder than what he was doing. He said, “You mean you’d actually give me a shot? … Just kidding!” Yeah, right, my ass he was kidding. I said, “You know I like you … I just got tired of everything.” He replied, “I know. I realize that. You were right.” That’s about as deep as he gets. Maybe his tiredness/illness made him contrite, I don’t know.
I left work tonight and had a message on my cell. To my surprise, it was Mark, apologizing for not being able to talk long yesterday and asking me to call him. I did but he didn’t answer, which was fine. From what he said in his message, it sounds like he’s had a fever, which means it’s more than a cold … so stay away! lol At any rate, Jesse hasn’t returned my call from yesterday so f–k him. If he does call, I’m not answering. What a jackass … so much potential gone to hell. Funny how the red flags — i.e. all of his friends are from his fraternity and he’s 27 — bear out.
I took tonight off from the part-time job, realizing that my sanity is not worth $45. I was practically giddy with glee all day today, knowing that I didn’t have to sit and stare at those tests for five hours tonight.
I took a chance and called Mark, the guy I talked to last week, to see if he was available. Calling a guy still makes me so nervous! He called me back as he was leaving work and he sounded like hell. Apparently he has a cold, like I’m getting over. He sounded disappointed, though, and said that he would have liked to have gone out tonight with me. He’s going to call me in a few days, when he feels better.
Mark and I have been e-mailing for two months and have talked on the phone a few times. At this point, I just want to meet … I’m worried that the expectations will be too high and thus the disappointment greater if the attraction/interest isn’t mutual.
Later on, I called Jesse and left him a message and mentioned that I was calling to see about our plans to get together this weekend. That was about two hours ago. At first, I thought, oh he’s probably on a date (oh! the paranoia of dating!), but then checked match.com and his profile said “online now.” He still hasn’t called. What the hell? I see now that my “I was surprised when you called Saturday” conversation with him will have to be moved up to over-the-phone as opposed to in-person. He hasn’t answered my e-mail from Monday either … My gut’s telling me to let him go.
