I went to bed last night about 10 p.m. and slept really well … for four hours. I was having a fabulous dream, involving me and a very cute blonde military guy (not my usual type at all!), and then I woke up. Literally. That was an hour ago. Now, if I had stopped at Starbucks on the way to the second job then I would understand waking up in the middle of the night. But I didn’t get coffee! I’m wide awake and in a pleasant mood now, but that will change the longer I’m awake, I’m sure.

I got out of the part-time job early last night, around 7:45 p.m. Jesse left me a message that he found out Wednesday that he has to go to New Jersey for work next week and thus will be out of town for our planned Sunday date. He wanted to know what my schedule was – what does it matter if he’s out of town? Anyway, I left him a VM but shock! didn’t hear back from him. Now that I think about it, our first date was one month ago, on Oct. 11th. I’ve seen him once since then. I suppose it’s better to move more slowly than too fast …

I am trying to be more relaxed and less controlled. I’m also beginning to see that men my age generally don’t seem to like to make plans, like detailed plans to the extent that I want. Jesse keeps making an effort to see me and I’m pretty sure he finds me attractive, so, for now, I’m believing that he’s been honest as to why he’s had to cancel. I just want to see him so I can judge how we interact. The third date is what I consider to be a turning point.

On the first date, I’m interested in getting to know the man on a basic level, seeing if he can carry on a conversation and make me laugh, and making sure we don’t have any glaring incompatibilities. The second date is when I try to make my interest known by flirting a bit more; if I am interested in a guy, I’ll make sure to touch his arm a few times when we’re talking and not shy away from his flirtations. But, honestly, if I have a decent first date, I almost always will go on a second.

It’s on the third date, however, that you can get a good idea of the other person’s interest level. There’s still a lot of uncertainty, but that’s when it’s time for me to turn on the charm – because if he’s not captivated now by my smile, laugh, sense of humor and intelligence, he never will be. If he can’t handle some gentle sass, then forget it. But if he not only enjoys the sass but returns the flirtation with some comments of his own, well, to quote “Sean Connery” as portrayed on SNL, “The game is afoot, Trebek!”

A physically hot guy is sexy, of course. But there is nothing sexier to me than an attractive man with a quick wit and an air of intelligence. If a man can keep up with me, better get the smelling salts because I’m about to swoon. I need a man who will challenge me. I want a man who can potentially – but not always! – beat me in air hockey, miniature golf and Trivial Pursuit. More than anything, I need a man I can respect and admire and who, in turn, respects and admires me.

Near the end, I didn’t respect my ex. Actually I didn’t for a long time. The main reason was that he didn’t respect himself and his behavior reflected that. My therapist has been telling me that I need to treat myself like I’m precious. Not every man deserves me. I’m starting to see that she’s right. My first step was deciding not to have sex again until I’m in a serious, monogamous relationship. So what if my “number” is half or even a quarter of some of my friend’s? It’s mine. I used to be embarrassed that my ex was the first guy that I slept with, but I’m not anymore. You know, I’m not going to beat myself up if I f—k some guy on New Year’s Eve or anything like that, but I know what’s best for me and I know I’m not going to find it by jumping into bed with each guy I go out with.

I cringe when I think about how I would have handled being single throughout my 20s. I’m sure I would have used sex as a way to find “love,” and I’d probably be a lot more damaged emotionally than I am today. I did not treat myself as precious when it came to Ryan, and the experience hurt and damaged me. But now I know that I need someone to desire and love me. I’ve had one or the other, but not both at the same time. I mean, I believe my ex loved me, like I loved him, but it wasn’t a true, emotionally intimate and open kind of love.

On a side note, I am a major gossip. I don’t do it maliciously, I just love to share stories to feel connected. This week, two friends told me things in confidence and at first I thought, Oh my God, how am I not going to tell anyone??? But the realization that they each placed their trust in me quickly sobered me. One “tidbit” had to do with a friend’s realization that she wasn’t being true to herself after she did something she didn’t want to do. The other bit o’ news was about a business that a friend may buy. Now that I think of it, over the past few months different friends have told me some pretty major secrets – and I have kept them secret (well, one I shared with my therapist because I was totally freaked out but if you can’t trust your therapist, who can you trust???).

When am I going to stop seeing myself as this flaky kid and realize that I have grown into a mature adult?

∗ Posted by Monique on 11.11.2005
∗ Uncategorized