Mark wants to see me Saturday.

Why is this news? Because he also wants to see me on Friday.

Damn. I am going to end up with a boyfriend soon if I’m not careful … ; )

∗ Posted by Monique on 11.30.2005
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I have absolutely no faith in my instincts, except when they tell me to flee.

If a situation is bad, I can see it — and I run. But what happens when a situation is all right and still, I want to flee? So far the only things that Mark has done are (a) act interested in me and (b) not stop checking his match.com account.

Last night we were talking about our first date and I told him that a few of the members of the jazz quintent were watching and smiling at us. I told him that I wanted to kiss him while we were there. He asked why I didn’t; I laughed and replied that there were people sitting inches away. He whispered, “There was only one other person there, and it was you …” And then, as if that wasn’t heart-melting enough, he softly sang, “I only have eyes for you …” to me as he nuzzled my neck.

Oh. My. God. I have been waiting years for a man to say something like that … and what do I do, but freak out the next day. What if it was a line? What if he’s said that to other women? What if he just wants to get me into bed? What if … ??? The reason I’m skeptical is because my crazy bitch of a mother — the same woman who suggested Mark was calling me because he was “bored” — would think it was a line, and it’s her bitter, tired, hateful voice I hear in my head.

To answer my inner critic, I offer the following: I felt like we were the only two people in the room, so why is it inconceivable that he would feel the same? It’s not. It was a lovely evening that we shared. Point B - I was in a relationship for nearly 10 years. I shared things with my husband that I’m sure Mark has shared with other women. I’d be more concerned if he was in his 30s and hadn’t been in a serious relationship. Point C - What single, straight guy won’t at least TRY to get his date into bed? I quickly realized that most men will go as far as I let them.

As I was typing this up earlier, Mark called me. We talked for 30 minutes or so. He wanted to know what was going on with the jazz club tomorrow; I shouldn’t have even mentioned anything because the plans changed. We’re now all going out to dinner but I didn’t invite him lol.

I read some decent-sounding advice today: Why not treat a man like he’s a good guy unless there’s reason to think otherwise? Why not save the big “I will not put with that!” speech for something you really won’t put up with? Why not just see how things develop?

I like Mark. I’m going to assume he’s putting all of this time and effort into me because he likes me too. I’m not going to sleep with him until I’m ready to, and I’m going to be confident enough in myself to expect that he will treat me like I deserve to be treated.

∗ Posted by Monique on 11.28.2005
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I met up with Mark tonight, after I returned from my parents. He was waiting in the restaurant lobby and gave me a hug and a kiss. We had dinner and he was very touchy, just holding my hand, etc. Afterwards we went for a walk around the city, looking at Xmas lights. I had sent my flight number, so he could check to see if I was delayed, but he said he actually went to the airport to surprise me. Somehow we missed each other.

We kissed and talked for a while; he asked when he could see me again; he told me when we were at the jazz club, I was the only person he saw … he said all these lovely things so I decided to take a chance and invite him out on Tues. when I’m meeting up with some friends. He totally got all weird, saying he wasn’t sure, blah blah blah. I told him it was no big deal and he actually said, “I do need some time!” like for himself, I guess. I was like, whatever …

I was thinking about it on the way home and I don’t know … I mean, we’ve gone out twice so it’s not like I can bitch if he’s seeing someone else. But he called me Wed., Thurs. and Saturday, plus we e-mailed a lot. If he thinks I’m going to sleep with him on Friday, he is sorely mistaken. I think he just wanted to hang out here, “watch a movie” (does that ever work out?) and see what happens next. I’ll tell him I ain’t taken the next step until there’s a stronger emotional connection.

And get this … the ass is already showing up as “online now” on match.com!!! I’ve only been home 20 minutes, he can’t have been home much more than that!

∗ Posted by Monique on 11.27.2005
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Mark: “This whole exchange does raise an interesting question: Can two total smart-asses find happiness? Or will we just kill each other? At any rate it’s not a bad way to go. I just said I wanted to die warm.”

Me: “On one hand, the arguments could be nasty, but on the other, think of the making-up … Passion is never a bad thing (except when expressed by someone icky).”

Mark: “I like your thinking. Hmmmm some reconciliation may be in order tomorrow afternoon. I can hardly wait. But alas you said I would have to go without. The way you tease.”

Me: “‘Going without’ will give you incentive to ask me out again. Or maybe you’ll just pick a fight … And I am not a tease: I warned you that the longer you know me, the more difficult it will be to resist me. It’s not my fault if you weren’t listening! ; )”

Mark: “I don’t require any additional motivation to ask you out again.”

Damn.

We talked on the phone for over an hour tonight, too. I am thinking he is going to give me a run for the money. I can’t wait to find out how far this will go …

∗ Posted by Monique on 11.27.2005
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When do you have it?

I had dinner with my oldest friend last night — we’ve known each other since we were 14 — and, of course, the conversation turned to sex as the night wore on. I said I wasn’t sure about the “three-date rule,” as that just seemed too soon. Her point of view is if you’re going to do it, sooner is better than later so you can make sure it’s good with that person. She and her husband had sex on their first date. Did things work out because of that or would have they worked out had she waited? Who knows …

While I agree with her viewpoint, I’ve also spent the past 20+ months in therapy — and my therapist point of view is, what’s the rush? Why not get to know someone first and decide if they are deserving of me before I sleep with them?

For me, sex is so tied to my emotions — I can’t separate them, even though I thought I could — that I’m afraid sleeping with a man, like Mark, on the third date, would make me feel like the relationship is more serious than it is. At any rate, even thinking of having a “boyfriend” is terrifying.

Speaking of Mark, I’ve talked to him on the phone Wednesday and Thursday, and yesterday we exchanged a few e-mails throughout the day. We’re going to meet for dinner Sunday night after I get back home. After the way our first date ended — two hours of making out — I think I need to think through my “Why I Want to Wait” reasoning. If we go out again after tomorrow, I’m sure we’ll end up at my place. I think I need to convince myself more than anything that it is okay not to have sex right away …

Oh, speaking of therapy, here’s a perfect example of why I have self-esteem issues: Thursday night I told my mom that Mark had called again. “Why? Is he bored???” “What?!” “Well, why does he keep calling you? Is he tired of hanging out with his family?” “Mom! That is a perfect example of why I’m in therapy!” “What? You know I was joking …” She wasn’t.

∗ Posted by Monique on 11.26.2005
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Mark called me again tonight. My phone was upstairs, so I didn’t hear it ring. After I called him back, we spoke for 35 minutes or so. We made plans to meet Sunday evening for dinner, after my flight lands. I had planned to suggest that to him but was hestitant, of course — but after he said he hoped we could get together soon, I asked him.

Typing that, it seems like such a small thing — I mean, we’ve been out once, he keeps calling, he’s interested — what do I have to be afraid of? My issue is one of fear — I am afraid of getting involved too quickly so I pull back. But then I get pissy and hurt that things aren’t progressing as I’d like. I’m going to try to do what feels right. I overanalyze anyway. I need to just follow my heart for once.

∗ Posted by Monique on 11.24.2005
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I’m in Michigan, at my parents’ house for Thanksgiving. I was wondering today if I should call Mark. I wanted to call him and of course talked myself out of it — but he called me this evening! We talked for a few minutes, he was on his way to pick up his friend to go out. A little while later, he called me back while his friend was in the car; I was pleasantly surprised as that means he’s told his friend about me. ; ) (His friend actually invited me to meet up with them, not realizing I’m five hours away.)

I really like Mark. I hope this goes somewhere.

∗ Posted by Monique on 11.23.2005
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I care not that it isn’t even Thanksgiving …

Maybe This Christmas by Ron Sexsmith
Maybe this Christmas will mean something more
Maybe this year love will appear
Deeper than ever before
And maybe forgiveness will ask us to call
Someone we love
Someone we’ve lost
For reasons we can’t quite recall
Mmm, maybe this Christmas

Maybe there’ll be an open door
Maybe the star that shined before
Will shine once more, ohhh

Mmmmmmm, mmmmmmmm

And maybe this Christmas will find us at last
In heaven, in peace
Prayed for the least
For the love we’ve been shown in the past
Maybe this Christmas
Maybe this Christmas

∗ Posted by Monique on 11.20.2005
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Last night was my first date with Mark the actor (not to be confused with Mark the banker). We met at a Starbucks downtown; I got there early because I always get lost going to that particular part of the city so I had my coffee and was reading when arrived.

Oh. My. God. He was as cute as his picture. Actually, even more so. We talked for a little while then decided to walk around. We stopped in a gallery then I wanted to walk to a store I liked. Four blocks later, it was closed. He suggested we go to a different part of the city and yes, I broke the cardinal rule on online dating … I got in his car. I was hopped up on my nonfat peppermint mocha, I suppose lol.

Anyway he drove to the canal that runs through Indianapolis and we walked around there. It was dark and cold, so there weren’t many people around. At one point, he put his arm around me and then, later, held my hand. Usually I am not comfortable with physical contact like that, esp. on a first date, but I liked him.

He told me about all of his crazy acting jobs … we just talked about normal first-date things. It was probably 40 degrees out and even the glow of a good date couldn’t keep me warm, so we headed back to where we had been. I thought the evening was over but he suddenly suggested we go someplace for a drink. We ended up at a cozy little jazz club. He sat across from me at a small table. We talked until the music started, then just listened. I had an exceedingly difficult time concentrating, however, as he was caressing my wrist and hand. It got to the point where I thought I would die if he did not kiss me soon! Like the physical-contact thing, I usually am uncomfortable with a lot of eye contact, like just looking at someone without speaking, but we were just gazing away at each other. And I only had one glass of wine so I wasn’t tipsy. : )

After we left the club, he walked me to my car and we kissed … somehow we ended up in the front seat of my SUV, which was parked under a streetlight on a main street, making out for roughly 90 minutes. Some of that time was spent talking, but most of it not. Damn, he is a good kisser. He was respectful but I know if I had said, “I’m driving to my place,” he would have been all for it. At one point he said that I made it difficult for him to be “good,” and I replied, “And it will just be more difficult the longer you know me!” Snap snap lol.

When I finally turned the car on, because I was about ready to freeze, it was 1:13 a.m. We met at 7 p.m. Damn.

He called me this morning. That was nice.

I am blushing just thinking about the date. Sigh.

∗ Posted by Monique on 11.20.2005
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Ryan and I had plans to meet today for brunch. Friday afternoon he e-mailed me that he didn’t think it would work out this morning, as there were some work-related issues he had to take care of, and suggested we have a later lunch or maybe meet up on Sunday.

This morning, about 10, he IM’d me that he was getting ready to leave work. So I asked him if he wanted to still go out today or tomorrow … and he said, “How about we stay in???” Fuck you. He said he was “just putting it out there” and I replied, “like you have been all week!” Then he says that it was a two-way street, blah blah blah … and I replied, “It’s called flirtation, witty banter …” When he said, “well, maybe tomorrow,” I was pissed. I replied, “Yeah, maybe …” and the conversation fell apart after that. He signed off and then I sent him the following message:

so this exchange seems to pretty much sum up our relationship:
I suggest going out to eat as a fun thing to do
You see it as a way to get laid
I don’t know what to tell you
Other than point out that, once again, you’re the one who keeps coming back
Why?
If you’re not interested in getting to know me as a person, then just stop, okay?
You’re not doing either one of us any good

I am mad at him for being a dick, but I KNOW that he’s like that. What was I thinking? To pile on to my pissy mood, Jesse still hasn’t called and I haven’t talked to the first Mark since Monday. At least I have my date this evening with newest Mark to look forward to … and a facial (courtesy of Ryan’s birthday gift certificate!) and a haircut to soothe my soul. Perhaps a stop off at Sephora for lipstick on the way downtown tonight will work. This guy’s a former actor so surely he can handle a little red-lipstick-induced drama!

∗ Posted by Monique on 11.19.2005
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