Why the hell can’t I sleep anymore?

I used to sleep like a log. My problems started once my ex moved out. Well, that’s not true. I guess I would toss and turn during those last few months we were living together, because I couldn’t relax with him next to me. For the first two weeks after he moved out, I slept wonderfully. I even noticed I didn’t hug the far edge of the bed anymore; even in my sleep I wanted to be far from him.

But after those first weeks, I started waking up early. Way early. Like 4 a.m. After several weeks I bought OTC sleeping pills. But, mindful of my father’s addiction to sleeping pills during his drinking days, I was wary of taking any or using them too often.

Now my attitude is more like “F&*k it, I’m tired and I want to sleep.” But, if you’ve ever taken one of those pills, you know the side effects, like insane drowsiness the next morning. I took one Friday night and I swear it was about 2 p.m. before I fully woke up.

But what do I do if I don’t plan ahead and don’t have at least eight hours to sleep? I’m screwed. Which is why it’s 12:40 a.m. and I’m typing this. I had ONE CAN of caffinated pop today and that was in the early afternoon. Otherwise, I just drank water and diet root beer. WTF? I’m only freakin’ 31. I’m too young to keep the hours of a senior citizen.

You know, I’m not sure which is worse, not being able to fall asleep or sleeping too much. Either way I feel like I’m missing out. At least my cats are pleased I’m awake at this hour.

Oh, I called Jesse Sunday evening. I must have stared at my phone for five minutes before I worked up the courage to dial his number. I’m glad I did, though. We talked for about 20 minutes; the conversation always seems so easy with him. He said he was very glad I called and that he would call me later this week. I think that he will, but at least if he doesn’t I won’t go through that insane thought process of “Was it because he didn’t think I was interested? Should I have called him” blah blah blah. Because who really knows what the hell to do??? I mean, we’ve gone out twice … do I keep waiting for him to ask me out? I think at least once more, I will. He said he went to bed really early Friday and then met up with a friend from h.s. Saturday night — I’m always worried that the guy I’m dating is seeing other women, while, of course, I’m too busy seeing what else is out there in case this one doesn’t work out. In the words of my friend Charlena, this is a prime example of the pot calling the kettle hot.

I am surprised at how comfortable I am with him, but it’s not in a wow, he’s such a nice guy way. It’s more of a wow, he’s so interesting and he seems to think that I am interesting kind of comfortable. Of course, I probably spent 25% of my time with him yesterday (a) checking him out, (b) wondering if he was going to kiss me, (c) wondering what kind of kisser he is or (d) wondering if he was checking me out. Okay, if you factor in the checking-him-out time, it was probably more than 25% lol.

∗ Posted by Monique on 10.24.2005
∗ Uncategorized