I know ending things with MJCF was the right thing — the only thing — to do, but why do I have to be the one who hurts? Whether is was true or not, he acted like it was all no big deal to him. Which, if that’s how he really felt, is a major clue as to why he’s 26 and never had a serious girlfriend.

I knew this was coming, I knew it wouldn’t, couldn’t work out. But, after I ended things in July and he got back in touch with me a month later, I did think things would be different. He led me to believe things would be different. I even asked him yesterday why he contacted me again. His response was to shake his head and say, “I don’t know.” Yes, you do know, asshole. If yesterday wasn’t the time to tell me, when is?

It was a total flashback to dealing with my ex-husband. I remember thinking, if he’s not going to fight for this relationship now, as it’s falling apart, when will he? The answer: Never.

It was so surreal when MJCF was leaving yesterday. First, he said, “Well, I’ll let you get on with your day then …” As he walked past my kitchen counter, he saw a faux-stone cross with the Lord’s Prayer carved into it. I sometimes have the cross on the wall, sometimes it’s on a shelf. At any rate, it’s not new. He stopped, reached over to touch it and said, “Wow, that’s cool,” the first indication in 10 months that he has any sort of spiritual side. Then, when he saw my bottled water at the foot of the stairs and asked if he could bring it up for me, I was like, what the hell? I break up with you and now you’re the most helpful guy ever?

As he put his keys in his pocket before lifting the cases of water, I saw a polka-dot envelope that I knew was from my salon. I thought, oh shit. Then I thought, What? Is he not going to give me the gift certificate now? lol So I said, “I see the gift certificate in your pocket; you don’t have to give it to me now.” He said, “Of course I am … I’m not that cruel.” Cruel? Maybe it’s was just a verbal mis-step, but I thought, oh no, you’re not in charge of this situation, jackass.

Yesterday, I didn’t want the gift certificate, didn’t want to see it — because I thought, what the hell is this for? He doesn’t care for me, yet he spent $50 on me? Or, did he spend $50 on me so I’d think that he cared and I’d keep sleeping with him — except we haven’t done that in over a month (not that I haven’t tried).

This is the fourth time that a significant relationship in my life has been with a man who can’t communicate his feelings verbally and uses material goods to do so. I think that if I can change one of these men, it’s like I can heal them all. If I could make MJCF see that it’s okay to trust and to love, then maybe my dad would somehow be cured of whatever made him drink for so long and now eat too much; then maybe my ex-husband would be able to see that working 60-70 hours a week and calling 900 numbers for fake intimacy won’t fill whatever emotional void he has; and that maybe John would be able to deal whatever has made him the way that he was, as I only saw the tip of the emotional iceberg that he is.

I am going to do something I’ve never done before: I am going to call my therapist and ask to see her during an “off” week. I can’t wait three weeks to talk to her about MJCF. I need to clear that from my mind and heart, so I can be myself with New Guy, who actually seems interested in talking with and seeing me.

∗ Posted by Monique on 10.16.2005
∗ Uncategorized