I can’t shake this feeling that there is no room in MJCF’s life for me. Thursday night was poker night, I don’t know what he did last night, today was devoted to college football … throw in a pro game or two tomorrow and poof! The weekend’s gone.

So I’m doing the only thing I know: I’m pulling back.

My motivation for this fairly cowardly act is partly out of annoyance, partly because of pride but mostly out of fear.

• I’m scared that MJCF will act like he used to.
• I’m scared that he doesn’t really like me, that he’s just passing time.
• I’m scared that because not much that I say surprises him, like he already has me figured out.
• I’m scared that work will always come first for him.
• I’m scared that I can give and give, and he still won’t be able to move past his fear.
• I’m scared that he will break my heart.

How do you get to be 26 years old and never been in love? Why do I even want to try to break through whatever barriers he’s put up? If football is more important than a woman as fabulous as I … what I’m getting at is why set myself up to fail … again? I couldn’t make the ex give up working too much or calling phone-sex lines. I couldn’t make John straight. Why the hell do I think I can make MJCF into someone for whom the nickname “my job comes first” no longer applies?