Jesse just called.

And he asked me out again.

WTF???

He apologized for not calling me last week - he was “super busy.” He seemed sincere. He went to his dad’s today and was telling me about their complicated relationship.

When we go out, I’ll tell him that, when he didn’t call, I didn’t think he was interested.

Wonder what he’ll say to that?

∗ Posted by Monique on 10.29.2005
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Confidence has always been a funny thing with me. Do I think I’m smart? Sure. Am I funny? Yeah. Am I pretty? Um … how about cute? Wait … Do you think I’m pretty? Because if you think I’m pretty, then okay, I am.

It’s only funny because it’s true.

So where did this belief come from? Even as a child, I struggled with my weight. I may not have been aware that my dad was an active alcoholic but I knew something was going on in my family that wasn’t right. So food was a comfort to me.

My mother has an unhealthy relationship with food. Until she became pregnant with me, she liked to say, she weighed little more than 100 lbs., and she’s about 5′6″. Somehow, I don’t think you can claim pregnancy as the reason you’re carrying an extra 50 to 75 lbs. when your youngest is 24. But anyway, when I starved myself in high school and wore a size 8/10, she still wasn’t happy. I will never forget coming home from the mall one day and excitedly telling her I fit into a dress that was a size 8. “I’m so sure!” she said. To use one of my favorite sayings, why would I lie?

Between her overwhelming denial, even to this day, of her own depression as well as the effect my father’s drinking/depression/compulsive eating has on me and my brother, my mother is an unhappy woman.

But getting back to my main point, I can remember ONE TIME as a teenager that either parent spontaneously told me I was pretty. I was 16 and dressed up for a friend’s graduation party. It was an evening event and I had on a skirt and top, with my hair up. I was going out the door as my dad was coming in. “Wow! You look so pretty!” he said. Of course, I was thin then. ; ) Now I get “You look good!” i.e. “You’ve lost weight … or haven’t gained any.”

A few years ago my mom was talking about my brother, who has always received compliments on his looks. He was in high school at the time, and didn’t go to prom. The Monday after, a girl who also didn’t go (and happened to be a beauty-queen winner) said if she had known, she would have gone with my brother. In the course of conversation my mom said, “Everyone always knew you were pretty …” I said, “Then why didn’t you tell me????” and she looked at me like I was insane.

At any rate, I don’t always believe in my own attractiveness. I mean, I try to look good and I think I do all right, but it bothers me so much that these men I date don’t say, “You look nice” or anything like that when I see them. Seriously. I assume they think I’m attractive, since they keep asking me out, but what is so difficult about saying, “Wow!” or anything like that???

I was thinking about the guys I’ve been out with this year:

1. David, 34, four dates.
2. Carl, 26, two dates.
3. David, 28, three dates.
4. Benjamin, 25, two dates.
5. Jim, 38, one date.
6. Jesse, 27, two dates.
7. Ryan, 26, ten months on and off.

Yahoo! had a stat on their site that interested me. If you went out on 100 random dates, only 7% of them time would you and the other person like each other. The rest was split fairly evenly between one-sided and no interest.

I know it’s a numbers game. Do “pretty” people really have a better chance at love? Or do they just date more? I would rather have three first dates in a year if it meant one would lead to a relationship instead of 52 casual dates. I just need to be patient. Besides, I have another potential date next week … ; )

∗ Posted by Monique on 10.29.2005
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I’m disappointed I haven’t heard from Jesse. It’s Wednesday night, we went out Saturday … can you hear the faint strains of “Another One Bites the Dust”?

Why kiss me?

Why say he had “A LOT” of fun?

Why take my call?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY ?????

I don’t get it. I really don’t. I was just thinking that my past few budding relationships haven’t made it past the second date, but I guess I’d rather something end too soon than drag on too long.

∗ Posted by Monique on 10.27.2005
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It’s Tuesday night, well, now it’s early Wednesday morning. I last talked to Jesse Sunday evening and haven’t heard from him. Maybe he’ll call but I’m starting to think he’s not going to. You know, then why kiss me??? As quick as the kiss was, it was still a kiss. Oh well. I’m not going to dwell (too much) on it.

Tonight I finally talked to this guy that I’ve been e-mailing with for two months or so. We were on the phone for nearly an hour and the time just flew by. He’s going on vacation this weekend, but asked me to get together for drinks when he gets back into town. He’s a few years older than me and divorced, too — I haven’t dated anyone yet with similar life experiences. He drives a BMW (used) and has a pool at his house (but no garage). Sounds like my type of guy. ; )

∗ Posted by Monique on 10.26.2005
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Why the hell can’t I sleep anymore?

I used to sleep like a log. My problems started once my ex moved out. Well, that’s not true. I guess I would toss and turn during those last few months we were living together, because I couldn’t relax with him next to me. For the first two weeks after he moved out, I slept wonderfully. I even noticed I didn’t hug the far edge of the bed anymore; even in my sleep I wanted to be far from him.

But after those first weeks, I started waking up early. Way early. Like 4 a.m. After several weeks I bought OTC sleeping pills. But, mindful of my father’s addiction to sleeping pills during his drinking days, I was wary of taking any or using them too often.

Now my attitude is more like “F&*k it, I’m tired and I want to sleep.” But, if you’ve ever taken one of those pills, you know the side effects, like insane drowsiness the next morning. I took one Friday night and I swear it was about 2 p.m. before I fully woke up.

But what do I do if I don’t plan ahead and don’t have at least eight hours to sleep? I’m screwed. Which is why it’s 12:40 a.m. and I’m typing this. I had ONE CAN of caffinated pop today and that was in the early afternoon. Otherwise, I just drank water and diet root beer. WTF? I’m only freakin’ 31. I’m too young to keep the hours of a senior citizen.

You know, I’m not sure which is worse, not being able to fall asleep or sleeping too much. Either way I feel like I’m missing out. At least my cats are pleased I’m awake at this hour.

Oh, I called Jesse Sunday evening. I must have stared at my phone for five minutes before I worked up the courage to dial his number. I’m glad I did, though. We talked for about 20 minutes; the conversation always seems so easy with him. He said he was very glad I called and that he would call me later this week. I think that he will, but at least if he doesn’t I won’t go through that insane thought process of “Was it because he didn’t think I was interested? Should I have called him” blah blah blah. Because who really knows what the hell to do??? I mean, we’ve gone out twice … do I keep waiting for him to ask me out? I think at least once more, I will. He said he went to bed really early Friday and then met up with a friend from h.s. Saturday night — I’m always worried that the guy I’m dating is seeing other women, while, of course, I’m too busy seeing what else is out there in case this one doesn’t work out. In the words of my friend Charlena, this is a prime example of the pot calling the kettle hot.

I am surprised at how comfortable I am with him, but it’s not in a wow, he’s such a nice guy way. It’s more of a wow, he’s so interesting and he seems to think that I am interesting kind of comfortable. Of course, I probably spent 25% of my time with him yesterday (a) checking him out, (b) wondering if he was going to kiss me, (c) wondering what kind of kisser he is or (d) wondering if he was checking me out. Okay, if you factor in the checking-him-out time, it was probably more than 25% lol.

∗ Posted by Monique on 10.24.2005
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So I met up with Jesse today for our second date. I am prone to wearing rose-colored glasses on first dates, esp. if alcohol is involved, so I’m always wary before a second date. Will I still think he’s cute? Funny? Smart?

Yes. Yes. And yes.

I was waiting next to my car when he pulled up, and he smiled when he saw me. I thought, Oh Good Lord, he is ADORABLE! He is so cute, I just wanted to kiss him then and there. He has a clean-cut look to him, but he also seems to have an air of mischief. I like the combination.

We ate lunch at a small tavern that was recommended by a friend of mine. During the meal, the conversation was easy. Afterwards we headed over to an antique mall and got lost on the way, but eventually found it. I am not big into antiques, but this place was amazing — it was huge and had all sorts of treasures and trash. It was a great place for a date, because it gave us plenty to talk about.

I have been on so many second dates that I try to keep my expectations low. But of course, I was looking for signs of his interest. While we were wandering around, there was plenty of physical contact: our hands would touch, our bodies would brush, he’d stand close behind me to look at something over my shoulder.

When he dropped me off at my car, he got out, too, which I thought was a good sign. ; ) I told him that I had fun and his response made me smile: “I had A LOT of fun!” His enthusiasm was charming. I reached up to hug him, and he hugged me back — and then he surprised me by kissing me. It was a brief kiss, maybe two seconds, but definitely intentional. Considering our audience of truckers, it was probably wise to keep it short.

He always calls me so I think I’ll call him tomorrow evening.

Of course I don’t know where this is all headed, but I like how it feels so far.

∗ Posted by Monique on 10.22.2005
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Tomorrow is my second date with Jesse. We’re meeting for lunch then plan to wander about the downtown area for a bit. Once again, I’m looking forward to it but I’m not super-excited. I’m not sure if that’s because I’m getting more used to dating — and things not working out — or because it’s him. I guess I’ll figure it out tomorrow.

Jesse told me, in an early e-mail, that he wants a woman mature enough to handle a guy like him. I can’t wait to ask him about that comment. He asked me twice, once in e-mail and once in person, what I’m looking for — I suppose I should put some thought into it. Too bad it’s nearly midnight and I plan on sleeping until at least 9:30 a.m. tomorrow lol.

I know I want a man with a strong enough personality to balance mine; someone outgoing who will get my sometimes-shy ass off of the couch yet is understanding enough to realize that as loud as I am sometimes, I’m an introvert at heart; a man who is willing to be my friend in addition to being my lov-ah.

Now how can I put that paragraph into second-date friendly language???

∗ Posted by Monique on 10.22.2005
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It’s Wednesday night, after 11:30 p.m. and I am waiting for my load of laundry to finish. This part-time job is killing me. I have no time to do laundry — and no pants to wear tomorrow! I know the extra $$ will be worth it but this really sucks. I finally fell asleep last night about 12:30 a.m. Believe me, 6 a.m. came quickly.

I have another date on Saturday with the guy I went out with last week. He called today to finalize the plans. How nice! ; ) It’s a daytime date, as I’m going out with friends for my birthday that night. I really am looking forward to seeing Jesse again. In addition to being smart and a good conversationalist, he is fun — a quality that has been lacking in previous dates. He seems to be good about “checking in,” calling me every few days — but the conversations are all under 10 minutes, which is all right with me. I’ve been burned before by guys who want to spend hours on the phone but are very awkward in person.

MJCF e-mailed me yesterday to thank ME for the thank-you card I sent him. He also threw in a few jokey comments. Witty banter is not what I want from him. I didn’t respond, nor do I plan to. I can’t. He hung around here so long on Saturday that he must have had something to say or been mulling something over in his mind … but he kept his trap shut. He has to open up to me if he wants to stay in contact with me. I’m not going to make it easy for him … but I’m also not holding my breath.

Oh on a funny note, I’ve been bitching for months that I can hardly hear my cell phone when it rings, even on the “loud” setting. Tonight I figured out why: The ringer volume was set at 1. Oops. I turned it up to 5 and now I can hear it with no problems. I guess sleep-deprivation is good for something, like insane problem solving lol.

∗ Posted by Monique on 10.20.2005
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I know ending things with MJCF was the right thing — the only thing — to do, but why do I have to be the one who hurts? Whether is was true or not, he acted like it was all no big deal to him. Which, if that’s how he really felt, is a major clue as to why he’s 26 and never had a serious girlfriend.

I knew this was coming, I knew it wouldn’t, couldn’t work out. But, after I ended things in July and he got back in touch with me a month later, I did think things would be different. He led me to believe things would be different. I even asked him yesterday why he contacted me again. His response was to shake his head and say, “I don’t know.” Yes, you do know, asshole. If yesterday wasn’t the time to tell me, when is?

It was a total flashback to dealing with my ex-husband. I remember thinking, if he’s not going to fight for this relationship now, as it’s falling apart, when will he? The answer: Never.

It was so surreal when MJCF was leaving yesterday. First, he said, “Well, I’ll let you get on with your day then …” As he walked past my kitchen counter, he saw a faux-stone cross with the Lord’s Prayer carved into it. I sometimes have the cross on the wall, sometimes it’s on a shelf. At any rate, it’s not new. He stopped, reached over to touch it and said, “Wow, that’s cool,” the first indication in 10 months that he has any sort of spiritual side. Then, when he saw my bottled water at the foot of the stairs and asked if he could bring it up for me, I was like, what the hell? I break up with you and now you’re the most helpful guy ever?

As he put his keys in his pocket before lifting the cases of water, I saw a polka-dot envelope that I knew was from my salon. I thought, oh shit. Then I thought, What? Is he not going to give me the gift certificate now? lol So I said, “I see the gift certificate in your pocket; you don’t have to give it to me now.” He said, “Of course I am … I’m not that cruel.” Cruel? Maybe it’s was just a verbal mis-step, but I thought, oh no, you’re not in charge of this situation, jackass.

Yesterday, I didn’t want the gift certificate, didn’t want to see it — because I thought, what the hell is this for? He doesn’t care for me, yet he spent $50 on me? Or, did he spend $50 on me so I’d think that he cared and I’d keep sleeping with him — except we haven’t done that in over a month (not that I haven’t tried).

This is the fourth time that a significant relationship in my life has been with a man who can’t communicate his feelings verbally and uses material goods to do so. I think that if I can change one of these men, it’s like I can heal them all. If I could make MJCF see that it’s okay to trust and to love, then maybe my dad would somehow be cured of whatever made him drink for so long and now eat too much; then maybe my ex-husband would be able to see that working 60-70 hours a week and calling 900 numbers for fake intimacy won’t fill whatever emotional void he has; and that maybe John would be able to deal whatever has made him the way that he was, as I only saw the tip of the emotional iceberg that he is.

I am going to do something I’ve never done before: I am going to call my therapist and ask to see her during an “off” week. I can’t wait three weeks to talk to her about MJCF. I need to clear that from my mind and heart, so I can be myself with New Guy, who actually seems interested in talking with and seeing me.

∗ Posted by Monique on 10.16.2005
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That’s how I started the “talk” with MJCF today.

I told him I had a date Tuesday and that my date asked me out again. And we made plans for next weekend. And I wondered why MJCF wouldn’t make plans more than a day in advance. And I told him that he’s not willing to change anything about his life to let me in.

He stared at the ground the entire time, except when I mentioned my date — his head snapped up then lol. He just kept saying, “I know … I know … I’m a mess.” He was acting like it was no big deal, but I saw his eyes get red. I told him it was a shame, because we get along so well and he’s absolutely adorable, but it’s time for him to grow up.

Then he carried my bottled water in for me, and gave me a $50 gift certificate to my salon as a birthday present.

He stood at my door, looked at me, and then reached over to pick some lint off my shirt, which seemed like an oddly intimate thing to do, given the circumstances lol.

I started crying as soon as he left. But, shit, I cried when that guy I went out with twice ended things with me. MJCF just makes me sad. But I can’t change him. I can only hope that someday he’ll realize how good of a catch I am and that I’ll be happy with someone else then. ; )

∗ Posted by Monique on 10.15.2005
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