I should be banned from dating.
I’ve discovered the downside to meeting someone online: The site tells you (approximately) when someone was last online, such as in the last 24 hours or three days, but worse, it tells you if someone is currently online.
New Guy has been online throughout the day. I know it’s not going to get me anywhere, but I can’t help myself from checking. I wish the dating site was inacessible at work! It would make my life at lot easier right now.
I figured when he said he’d call me that it was a load of crap, but then decided I was over-reacting. You know what? I’m pretty sure it’s a load of crap.
Of course, who am I to be upset if he’s dating multiple women? I received 30 e-mails from MJCF today at work over the course of three hours or so … just flirty stuff, back and forth. He even e-mailed from a fast-food restaurant.
What I don’t get is that it’s so easy to break things off without even speaking to the other party. I’ve done it. Am I proud? Nope. But it’s easier than (a) stringing someone along and (b) entering into a melodramatic situation with someone you don’t know all that well.
If New Guy liked me enough to spend $100+ over the course of two date as well as oh, eight hours on the phone and 10 in person, then he can take 30 seconds to tell me we’re not a good match.
I hate dating.
Last night I recognized the continued irony in my life.
A. I wanted to feel desired physically.
B. MJCF desired my physically.
C. I got pissy because MJCF only desired me physically.
D. Now MJCF and I are struggling to discover where an emotional connection fits in.
Now …
A. New Guy seems/seemed to want to know me.
B. After two dates he hasn’t kissed or otherwise made a move on me.
C. I’m pissy because he hasn’t shown an overt physical interest.
The question is, is New Guy being respectful (he is a church-going Christian) or does he think I’m not attractive???
My hideous mood last week was incredibly unappealing. I’m not going to let myself get bogged down like that again, especially because New Guy has given me no reason not to believe him. He’s always called when he said he would, so if he said he’d call, maybe it wasn’t just a line.
Add this to the file of embarassing date moments: In the car, “Let’s Get It On” came on the radio. We laughed awkwardly, then New Guy started softly singing along. As I was driving, I was thinking, here I am, with this hot guy, six years younger than me, who is all about not getting it on … and this moment is so freakin’ sexy.
Maybe it could be nice to actually get to know someone before getting involved. There’s no harm in it, at any rate. I’ve already halfway fallen for him anyway …
Tonight was my second date with New Guy.
I spent half of the day cleaning my apartment like a madwoman because he was picking me up.
The evening started off well. We had dinner (he wouldn’t let me pay) and then we went to see a movie (he wouldn’t let me pay). We walked around downtown and talked for close to 90 minutes. Then, on the walk back to the car it was like we ran out of things to say. I tried to start a conversation a few times on the drive back to my place but he wasn’t into it. I invited him in but he declined; we hugged (one-armed from me lol) and he said he’d call me.
Maybe he was tired. Maybe he does have to go to church in the morning, like he said. Maybe he will actually call. But I’ll be surprised.
Right now I’m just pissed I spent all of that time cleaning for him to be here like 2 minutes.
I shouldn’t be bitchy, I know … it’s just that if a guy doesn’t at least tell me I look nice — which he didn’t — I start to think he thinks I’m a hideous troll.
I think he likes me but maybe we’re just too different. Maybe I should focus on the things we have in common. But I’ll wait to see if he calls before I invest energy in that …
MJCF came over yesterday. He was going to help a friend of mine out, but she had to cancel at the last minute. I was a little disappointed, because I wanted her opinion of him. MJCF and I hung out for a couple of hours, talking, joking around and kissing. I’m still confused as all get out, but I don’t think I should press him to define what we’re doing until I’m confident I want to be with him. And I am far from it … Once or twice yesterday he moved my hand so he could hold it. Last weekend, he was kind of just placing his hand over mine; last night, our fingers were entwined. He excites and comforts me at the same time …
I have another date with New Guy (this is the second date with him). I am over my early-week freak-out over him. We’ve e-mailed a few times and then spoke on the phone for just over an hour on Wednesday. The second date is difficult, I think – I don’t want to get too “deep†emotionally but I also don’t want to stick with the superficial. We’re having dinner then going to an IMAX movie; the movie will be over a little after 9, so if the date is going well, we can hang out downtown … if it’s tanking, he can just take me home.
Oh, about a month ago, MJCF and I were hanging out and I saw an ad for this awesome stereo for my iPod. I jokingly said, “My birthday’s in October!†(The stereo costs $299.) I was telling a friend today that MJCF has mentioned the stereo a few times since and he said, “Oh my God, what if he buys it for you?!†I said, “I know!,†practically salivating with glee. Then he said, “But what’s the pattern? Men who can’t express their emotions to you so they buy you expensive gifts …†Damn. That’s what my dad did/still does. That’s what the ex did. That’s what just about every other man I’ve been involved with has done. I don’t think MJCF will buy me a birthday gift that costs nearly $300. (The sex isn’t that good.) But if he does, and things are still up in the air, like they are now … oh hell. Why won’t he just tell me how he feels about me???
Here’s what my horoscope for today said: Others will see your beauty once you see it yourself. You won’t find it in a mirror. Ain’t it a bitch when they actually get it right?
“Petulant” is one of my favorite words. One of the definitions, according to www.merriam.com is “capricious ill humor.”
I’d say a good example of that would be a grown woman, sitting on her couch eating Twizzlers and listening to such gems as “Forever” by Kenny Loggins while cursing the men currently in and out of her life. And by “grown woman,” I mean me.
I was in a pretty foul mood today. I was tired, irritable and bored at work. Then it dawned on me that were I to receive an e-mail from either New Guy or Friday’s Date, my mood would lift … and that just pissed me off even more. Why should their validation affect my happiness? Of course, it was a freakin’ moot point, as I didn’t hear from either of them. And I didn’t even like Friday’s Date all that much to begin with.
Thank you, iTunes shuffle, for “Little Earthquakes” by Tori Amos. This will really help me out. Sigh. “Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again.”
Friday’s Date said something that really disturbed me … He asked me about my marriage, which is not my favorite first-date topic. Anyway, I told him that my divorce was final in February. He said, “Wow, that recent, huh?” THEN added, “Hey, I’m not knocking you … I was dating two weeks after I left my wife, but I was 20.” You know what? I’m glad he hasn’t called. Why, in the 18 years since his divorce, couldn’t he find someone to partner with? Jackass.
It’s been over six months since the divorce was final AND more than 14 months since the ex and I last had sex … and that hardly counts because I just did it out of guilt, so it’s really been more like 16 months. The fact that we never hooked up again shows the state of the relationship. It was over far before it was over. My guess is that Friday’s Date was once burned by a woman who either went back to her ex or still had feelings for him. Oh well … between dinner and the one-month subscription he said he purchased “just” to e-mail me, he shelled out over $75 on me. Ha!
Another irritating thing to happen today: This guy I have been corresponding with for a while asked me for my phone number; he once seemed promising but then we lost touch. So I sent him my cell … and what does he do? He sent me a flippin’ TEXT MESSAGE asking if I was on AOL or Yahoo for chat. What the hell? You can’t f-ing call me? You can’t even send me an e-mail? Screw that.
PLUS the ex called tonight. I didn’t answer because, well, I didn’t recognize the number. It was after 7 p.m. and he was still at work. Just like old times. Anyway, he was calling about our house, which is on the market. The mood I was in, I probably would have just cried, said screw the fact that I couldn’t stand for you to touch me, let’s get back together! Having someone is better than having no one!
But I know better. I’d much rather be lonely alone than lonely with my partner. Those were some of the saddest days of my life.
“Lover You Should Have Come Over” by Jeff Buckley?! I think iTunes hates me …
It’s nearly 2 a.m. and I am wide awake.
I was asleep by 11 p.m. but woke up about 30 minutes ago. I generally don’t sleep through the night — that’s been the case since the ex moved out about 14 months ago — and I’m sure the 90-minute nap I took today didn’t help. Oh and sleeping in until 10 or so each morning this weekend as well as not going to sleep until 4 a.m. Monday morning is all just icing on the cake.
I was hoping to get a good night’s sleep tonight because I need it. I was crabby and bitchy and generally feeling irritable tonight. New Guy called me — again, just like he said he would — and we talked for about an hour … but I was pissy that he didn’t mention going out again. Did I tell him what a fabulous time I had on our first date and tell him, in plain language, express my interest in seeing him again?!?! Of course not!
If he wasn’t interested, he just would have not called after he got back into town. But he did. Even if he called out of guilt, he would not have stayed on the phone for that long. But in my insecure, bitchy little mind that wasn’t freakin’ good enough. Why? Because he’s not MJCF?!
All I could focus on the differences between myself and New Guy — and, on the surface, there are a lot. But I don’t know him well enough to know how we compare on the important issues. I certainly don’t know him well enough to be freaking out already. I think, in him, I see the potential of my first serious, post-divorce relationship. So what if he’s not who I expected it would be with? I re-read my journal from last week, when we went out, and I was positively smitten … I had to force myself to focus on what he was saying, for pete’s sake, because I was so taken by the sound of his voice! So what if he’s several years younger than me? It obviously doesn’t bother him. He is sexy as hell, intelligent, funny, well-mannered …
Here is the crux of the matter: Yes, things with MJCF are evolving. But, still, I do not have confidence that that relationship will become what I want it to be. And here is a man, New Guy, who shows all the signs — including wanting to know me and calling when he says he will — of someone who will treat me with the respect that I want and need.
This is what I will do. I will call New Guy, well, tonight, I guess lol, and say, I know you asked me out on the first date and I’m not really sure if I’m supposed to wait for you to ask me out or if I should ask you out, but there’s an event on Saturday I’d really like to go to and it would be a lot of fun if you came too.
Why is dating so full of insecurity and uncertainty? It’s a wonder any two people ever find one another.
Last night I was pissy, irritated that I hadn’t heard from either of last week’s dates. So what do I do? Half-heartedly try to get MJCF to come over … I wanted a distraction.
Each time I invite him over for sex, he counters with something else.
He invited me over to watch movies … and that’s what we did.
We sat on his couch, held hands, cuddled … I know I was grinning like a fool and he was too.
I got there a little before 10 p.m. and we didn’t even get to the bedroom until 2 a.m.
Four hours of just hanging out, watching movies and just being with each other.
He fell asleep holding my hand.
I am starting to think the boy likes me.
So far, I’ve kept politics pretty much out of this blog, which is kinda surprising considering I am hugely political. I grew up in a “blue” state and now live in a “red” state, so I’m out of step with my the majority of my neighbors … so I turn to my group of liberal friends across the country whenever I need to get something off my chest. The Bible Belt is NOT the place for someone like Miss Monique!
I did not vote for George W. Bush. I voted for John Kerry and yes, it was more of a vote against W. I didn’t believe all of the Swift Boat Veterans for Freedom BS and I think that W. is going to go down in history as one of the most dangerous presidents to civil liberties (and no, I’m not a member of the ACLU).
Although I hold Bill Clinton’s personal indiscretions to be distasteful, I do not think they impacted his job performance. He is able to relate to those of other cultures and in other countries, which is a skill W. is sorely lacking. While we may be the only “superpower” left, we are not the only people in the world … and I think the world’s shock at the conditions of the Hurricane Katrina survivors is very telling. Some think it’s our “reward” for invading Iraq. Others are horrified at the class divide which exists in this country. Yes, those people should have left New Orleans when they were told. I sure as hell would have gotten out. But what if I didn’t have my parents to turn to? What if I earned minimum wage and a plane ticket would be a week’s wages or more? My financial situation is tenuous enough at times and I make a decent income.
You know, I was really hoping W. would have stepped up to the plate with the hurricane … I can’t help but think that Bill Clinton would have at least been a lot closer to those poor people than a helicopter. If W. had walked among the survivors, used “I” statements instead of “we,” had actually opened up his emotions and spoke from the heart, I would have cried along with him. But he just said platitudes, things like “we’re gonna help you” and “help is on the way.” I have (way too much) access to food and water and that would sound like BS to me. I can imagine how it would sound if you were literally starving. The man should have said, “I don’t know what happened, but I am going to make damn sure you have food and water today” — and meant it. This country is so divided and so much in need of healing and he just doesn’t see it.
I think the Constitution of the United States is one of the greatest documents ever written. But damn, I wish we didn’t have that amendment limiting presidential terms. Bring back, Bill, I say. If you think I’m crazy, who did W. ask for help? His daddy and Bill Clinton.
Oh yeah, to top it all off, William Rehnquist died, and W. gets to appoint ANOTHER justice PLUS the chief justice! Talk about dumb luck.
It was apparent the Rehnquist was a very ill man and there were many calls for him to step down, but he didn’t and I respect that. My grandmother lived with Parkinson’s for nearly 40 years so I am well aware there are some diseases that affect the body, but not the mind and spirit.
Thus ends my liberal rant for the day … but tomorrow IS Labor Day and I am from Detroit, so we’ll see what comes up then. ; )
I am starting to feel fabulous.
I so could get used to all of this male attention.
Tonight was date #3 of the week … very attractive, great sense of humor, very fun. The conversation flowed very easily. I think I felt more “sparks” with New Guy the other night but New Guy and I also spent more time flirting … this date was shorter and we didn’t have the build-up via e-mail and phone. But I would definitely see him again, were he to ask …
Never — and I mean never — in my life have I had three dates, with three different men, in one week.
But I have another date tomorrow night!
This one kind of came out of the blue.
An attractive, funny and intelligent man (well, based on his e-mails, at least) e-mailed me yesterday … we exchanged a few more today. I forwarded them to a friend for a second opinion … she told me if I didn’t go out with him, she wanted to. I said, “Screw you, he’s mine!”
We’re meeting tomorrow evening at 7 for drinks.
I talked to New Guy last night for 15 minutes, in between work and dinner plans with friends. He left today for the weekend and said he’d call when he gets back home. MJCF also is out of town for the holiday weekend. I miss them both.
Here’s a fun fact: The age difference between New Guy and tomorrow’s date is 13 years.
