MJCF and I were chatting this morning and he asked if I needed a ride to the airport tomorrow morning. I had been hoping he would ask but as my flight leaves at 8:30 a.m., which means leaving my apartment at 6:30 a.m., I wasn’t getting my hopes up too high. I asked him if it was a serious offer — Why do I always think that, when someone offers to do something like this for me, they are just being nice? Who the hell would offer to drive someone to the airport at 6:30 a.m. on a Sunday just to be nice???? — and he laughed at me for even questioning him.

I am so excited.

MJCF is the last person I would have expected to give me hope that I could love someone again. Over the past several weeks, he has been so steady, moving forward slowly but forward nonetheless. On the other hand, I have been up and down, left and right, all over the place … I think so much, I just need to feel. So what if I embarass myself? It’s like I’m afraid MJCF will realize that I like him even though (a) I’m sure he already knows and (b) I already know that he likes me. (Fear of rejection: Next great topic for me and my therapist.)

Last year I had my heart broken twice and I learned that I’d much rather regret something I had done, and failed at, than regret that I never did or tried something. There are much worse things than other people finding out that I’m not “perfect.” My life is so much more full and rich since I no longer try to hide my imperfections as I once did. Would I rather be able to do everything well? You betcha. But I can’t draw. I can’t sing. I can’t hit a ball to save my life.

But I can cook the best potato casserole you’ll ever taste. I take great pride in my ability to match a greeting card to the occasion and the recipient. I can say something so simple yet so funny that friends will talk about if for weeks (Example: a friend received a dreadful ceramic horse for her birthday from her husband. This horse had apples painted on its ass and it was called the apple-oosa. So I said, “I want to see the Quarter Horse!” Weeks later, that remark still is being repeated.)

I don’t need to learn how to be perfect. I just need to learn how to be me.

∗ Posted by Monique on 09.17.2005
∗ Uncategorized