So last night, MJCF and I were talking and somehow the conversation turned to me, me, me. We had been talking about clothes — surprisingly, he likes me best in a t-shirt and glasses — and I asked him, half-seriously, what else he likes about me.

His response floored me: “I don’t think there’s enough time to list everything.” I said, “I don’t have anything to do …”

So what did he come up with? Aside from my ass, he mentioned that I have to wear socks to bed or I can’t fall asleep (odd but true). I choose my words carefully before I speak, but, according to him, I should know that around him, I can say anything I want. He likes how my hair smells (he can tell when I’ve switched shampoos) and how I have my nails done. There was another thing, but I’ll spare you the details. : )

I was stunned. Actually, when he mentioned the socks-to-bed thing, my jaw dropped. I never thought of it as something that could be endearing.

He’s really been on me for the past week for being so measured with my words. I didn’t think that I was but I’ve totally been noticing it. I don’t know why I do it … my therapist thinks it’s because my fear of rejection is “so huge,” in her words, that I censor myself.

I did open up to MJCF a little last night … he was asking me about my marriage, etc., and why I ended up with my ex (in a freaky twist, they knew each other as children). I told MJCF that my dad was an alcoholic until I was 12 and I thought the ex was different, but he wasn’t. No, the ex wasn’t an alcoholic but he works too much and has too much of a fondness for phone-sex lines.

So after I told him about my dad, he STILL was yapping about my ex. I said, “Hey! I just told you something really personal and you’re STILL fixated on my ex!” He apologized, then was quiet for a moment. Then he said, “Just so you know, I talk about drinking and going out a lot, but I hardly ever drink. Just so you know …” Oh my gosh, my eyes welled up … like he was trying to reassure me that he, at least in that respect, isn’t like my dad and my ex. Like he was afraid I would think he was like them.

I can’t believe my one-night-stand attempt is turning into a viable candidate for a relationship.

∗ Posted by Monique on 09.15.2005
∗ Uncategorized