Middle-of-the-night Wisdom

It’s nearly 2 a.m. and I am wide awake.

I was asleep by 11 p.m. but woke up about 30 minutes ago. I generally don’t sleep through the night — that’s been the case since the ex moved out about 14 months ago — and I’m sure the 90-minute nap I took today didn’t help. Oh and sleeping in until 10 or so each morning this weekend as well as not going to sleep until 4 a.m. Monday morning is all just icing on the cake.

I was hoping to get a good night’s sleep tonight because I need it. I was crabby and bitchy and generally feeling irritable tonight. New Guy called me — again, just like he said he would — and we talked for about an hour … but I was pissy that he didn’t mention going out again. Did I tell him what a fabulous time I had on our first date and tell him, in plain language, express my interest in seeing him again?!?! Of course not!

If he wasn’t interested, he just would have not called after he got back into town. But he did. Even if he called out of guilt, he would not have stayed on the phone for that long. But in my insecure, bitchy little mind that wasn’t freakin’ good enough. Why? Because he’s not MJCF?!

All I could focus on the differences between myself and New Guy — and, on the surface, there are a lot. But I don’t know him well enough to know how we compare on the important issues. I certainly don’t know him well enough to be freaking out already. I think, in him, I see the potential of my first serious, post-divorce relationship. So what if he’s not who I expected it would be with? I re-read my journal from last week, when we went out, and I was positively smitten … I had to force myself to focus on what he was saying, for pete’s sake, because I was so taken by the sound of his voice! So what if he’s several years younger than me? It obviously doesn’t bother him. He is sexy as hell, intelligent, funny, well-mannered …

Here is the crux of the matter: Yes, things with MJCF are evolving. But, still, I do not have confidence that that relationship will become what I want it to be. And here is a man, New Guy, who shows all the signs — including wanting to know me and calling when he says he will — of someone who will treat me with the respect that I want and need.

This is what I will do. I will call New Guy, well, tonight, I guess lol, and say, I know you asked me out on the first date and I’m not really sure if I’m supposed to wait for you to ask me out or if I should ask you out, but there’s an event on Saturday I’d really like to go to and it would be a lot of fun if you came too.

Why is dating so full of insecurity and uncertainty? It’s a wonder any two people ever find one another.