Give Me Myself Again

Here’s what my horoscope for today said: Others will see your beauty once you see it yourself. You won’t find it in a mirror. Ain’t it a bitch when they actually get it right?

“Petulant” is one of my favorite words. One of the definitions, according to www.merriam.com is “capricious ill humor.”

I’d say a good example of that would be a grown woman, sitting on her couch eating Twizzlers and listening to such gems as “Forever” by Kenny Loggins while cursing the men currently in and out of her life. And by “grown woman,” I mean me.

I was in a pretty foul mood today. I was tired, irritable and bored at work. Then it dawned on me that were I to receive an e-mail from either New Guy or Friday’s Date, my mood would lift … and that just pissed me off even more. Why should their validation affect my happiness? Of course, it was a freakin’ moot point, as I didn’t hear from either of them. And I didn’t even like Friday’s Date all that much to begin with.

Thank you, iTunes shuffle, for “Little Earthquakes” by Tori Amos. This will really help me out. Sigh. “Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again.”

Friday’s Date said something that really disturbed me … He asked me about my marriage, which is not my favorite first-date topic. Anyway, I told him that my divorce was final in February. He said, “Wow, that recent, huh?” THEN added, “Hey, I’m not knocking you … I was dating two weeks after I left my wife, but I was 20.” You know what? I’m glad he hasn’t called. Why, in the 18 years since his divorce, couldn’t he find someone to partner with? Jackass.

It’s been over six months since the divorce was final AND more than 14 months since the ex and I last had sex … and that hardly counts because I just did it out of guilt, so it’s really been more like 16 months. The fact that we never hooked up again shows the state of the relationship. It was over far before it was over. My guess is that Friday’s Date was once burned by a woman who either went back to her ex or still had feelings for him. Oh well … between dinner and the one-month subscription he said he purchased “just” to e-mail me, he shelled out over $75 on me. Ha!

Another irritating thing to happen today: This guy I have been corresponding with for a while asked me for my phone number; he once seemed promising but then we lost touch. So I sent him my cell … and what does he do? He sent me a flippin’ TEXT MESSAGE asking if I was on AOL or Yahoo for chat. What the hell? You can’t f-ing call me? You can’t even send me an e-mail? Screw that.

PLUS the ex called tonight. I didn’t answer because, well, I didn’t recognize the number. It was after 7 p.m. and he was still at work. Just like old times. Anyway, he was calling about our house, which is on the market. The mood I was in, I probably would have just cried, said screw the fact that I couldn’t stand for you to touch me, let’s get back together! Having someone is better than having no one!

But I know better. I’d much rather be lonely alone than lonely with my partner. Those were some of the saddest days of my life.

“Lover You Should Have Come Over” by Jeff Buckley?! I think iTunes hates me …