Last night I was watching a show on the Discovery Health channel about sex (hey, it was educational). One segment that caught my attention focused on a study on a college campus about attitudes toward casual sex; 75% of male students who were approached by a female researcher were willing to have sex with her. MJCF’s reaction was “Hell, yeah!”
So I asked him if he really would have sex with a woman he had never met or seen before … his response? “Isn’t that what I did with you?” Touche. Then he started typing. And typing. And typing. Soon an entire paragraph popped up on my screen:
“If some attractive woman started to talk to me…and then said ‘do you want to go back to my place for some action’ lol…I would be like hell ya….although not today or in the last months…but if I were techincally ’single’ or not involved in any way with anyone…but if it that were to have happened today…or within the last 3 months…I would say not interested.”
Damn. I am not sure what shocked me more: That he considers us to have some sort of commitment, that he would have sex with a total stranger (other than me lol) or that he’s had feelings for me for three months. (Now, three months is an interesting timeframe b/c it was just about three months ago that I dumped his ass and stopped talking to him.)
He and I met for lunch today — the first time he actually has made plans with me in advance. I was worried, like would we have enough to talk about? Can we have a conversation without sex? But it was fun … very much like a date. He even paid for lunch. ; )
Finally … a breakthrough! MJCF and I had an actual “deep” conversation and he - finally! - told me that he likes me.
He told me months ago that he had never been in love, which always has concerned me. I saw it as a sign of his unwillingness to open himself emotionally to someone else. We were talking about relationships last night, and about us, I guess in a roundabout way, and I decided to gently press the issue. He told me that he only has really dated three women … and added that he considers me to be #3. (This is a drastic change from six months ago, when he told me that he didn’t consider us to be dating or even really friends. Needless to say, that instigated one of many “breaks.”)
So I told him that I was never sure how he felt about me, that he sends mixed signals. And he admitted that, saying that he had an idea of what he would like to happen but wasn’t totally sure. I knew what he meant, as I’m still not totally sure how I want him in my life. I told him that, the way I saw it, we clearly like each other, we enjoy each other’s company, and even if neither of us is sure what we want, we both seem to want to see where “this” is going, and he agreed with me.
I could tell he had really put some thought into “us.” He said thinking about how we started — supposed to be a one-night stand — made his head spin sometimes; I pointed out how long it’s lasted and how it’s evolved. He also said he didn’t think we had a lot in common, which I think used to be true, but it’s really your morals and values that matter. Then I expressed my reseverations, like the age difference (I’m five years older), which he quickly countered. So in the end we decided to get to know each other better and to become friends (albeit not “just friends” lol I’m no fool).
But, even before all of this, he asked me to have lunch with him tomorrow, as I have an appointment over by his office. I’m excited. We set up the plans this afternoon, e-mailing back and forth a bunch of times, of course. He’s also going to come over tomorrow night to help me out with a few things …
I feel a lot better knowing where things stand, even if that isn’t even really clear. At least he knows I care for him and I know he cares for me.
I used to work with this guy for whom I cared quite a bit. And he said he was emotionally, physically, intellectually attracted to me – except he was gay. Needless to say, it was a toxic relationship for both of us. I felt the loss of that relationship much more acutely than I did the loss of my marriage.
He left my department just about a year ago, thank God. For the last three months we were co-workers, we couldn’t get through a meeting without a snotty, sometimes vicious, remark – and those were all conference calls, as he lived in another state. I hate to imagine what would have happened if we were in the same building. The day he gave his notice, I cried like I had never cried before – and I even knew he was going to quit. I cried for probably 20 out of 24 hours. I hope I never experience anything like that again.
The last time I saw him, all he wanted to talk about was my marriage. Had I filed for divorce? What did my ex get me for my birthday? Had we put our house on the market? How often did we talk? But, mind you, John wasn’t interested in me anymore (or so he said). He was so out-of-touch with his emotions … I can’t think of many people who were more closed off than he. He broke my heart, and for a long time I was angry with him. Now I just feel disgust, pity, disdain …
It wasn’t until I realized that I was in mourning for the man I thought John was instead of the man that he is that I started to heal. I’m able to easily change the subject when he comes up as part of a “Where are they now?†conversation.
But last week threw me for a loop. First, I was in a Hallmark store in Orlando and on display, prominently, was a book he bought for me. I have never seen this book anywhere else. I smiled wryly when I saw the display; knowing me, I probably even rolled my eyes. Then, I argued with a co-worker about shiraz and syrah wines. John introduced me to shiraz and even had to buy me a bottle of a $25 syrah to settle a bet. Anyway, I knew I was correct but this co-worker is a know-it-all and wouldn’t shut up. I knew if John had been there he would have told her to shut the f#$% up. As if that wasn’t enough, the trashy Harlequin Blaze romance book I brought along featured a main character whose fiancé revealed he was gay – or perhaps bisexual – yet was physically attracted to her and thought that she could “cure†him. I’m thinking there was one more coincidence but I can’t remember it right now.
So today I’m on my flight back home and turned on my beloved iPod to drown out the eight zillion children on board. I was listening to my beloved Matthew Good when “Running for Home†came on. This is the song that the title of my blog comes from. I played that CD for John many moons ago, and he remarked that “Running for Home,†the final song, was his favorite. I told him that “when we were liars, things were seamless†was one of my favorite lines from a song ever — not explaining, however, that it spoke to me b/c my then-husband and I were lying to each other and I knew that John was lying to me. Anyway, John mentioned that lyric the night he told me how he felt about me and ever since then I’ve associated the song with him.
The thought occurred to me that maybe all of these coincidences are for a reason. I haven’t talked to John since last October. After getting pissy about all of his questions about my personal life, I sent him a letter basically saying so, taking him to task for taking advantage of my vulnerability. I ended by suggesting that, if he was really was as conflicted about his life as he portrayed to me, he should seek counseling (I’ve done it myself, it works wonders). Not surprisingly, I never heard from him again. I never could figure out why my requests for him to be open about his life, to tell me about his partner (of more than two years!!!) was so distasteful that he would rather just not talk to me. I mean, I don’t think John loved me because I don’t think he could. Maybe he wanted to love me, maybe he thought I could “cure†him, maybe he thought I would make him “normal†… At the time it hurt like hell but now I can see the humor in being such a woman that I confirmed a man’s homosexuality.
Anyway, I’m thinking about sending him a short note (on my personalized notecards, of course). Well, okay, I already wrote one. First I described the ways he’s been on mind lately, then added, “Know that when I think of you now, it is as I hoped it would be – only pleasant memories remain. If/when I cross your mind, I hope you feel the same. … Take care of yourself.â€
Will I mail it? I don’t know. I don’t know what I want … I don’t (really) want to hear from him – unless he’s going to tell me that losing me made him miserable, that he’s sorry for dragging me into his sorry-ass life, that he hasn’t been able to replace the friendship, acceptance and emotional support that I offered him.
Okay, I know what I want. I want him to have learned from our ordeal, to have changed, to have grown into a man who (a) accepts who he is, (b) realizes that who we love does not define our worth as people and (c) opens himself to all that is good in this world.
But I also want him to remember what he screwed up … I want him to remember how he felt about me and how I felt about him … I want him to remember that I refused to become another compartment in his compartmentalized life, that I demanded more from him and he cut me off rather than let me in.
I want him to explain why.
Damn it. It’s been a year. Why do these bits and pieces flare up? I’m sure he doesn’t think about me at all. I’m probably in his past – why can’t I put him in mine?
I am so ready to go home.
This week hasn’t been bad, just tedious. I miss my cats. I miss my bed. I miss my car. I miss MJCF. Last night was another late night … I went out for a while w/ the co-workers, then came back to my room to watch TV. Around 11, I logged on to check my e-mail and MJCF was online. We chatted for about 75 minutes, meaning I was up past midnight for the third consecutive night. It still surprises me when he’s sincere and not flip. I suppose we’re similar in that way, resorting to sarcasm and jokes for protection. He called me “Miss Spellcheck” last night and I replied, “Hey, I am not THAT bad!” His reply? “I know.” I complimented him on his eyes and he thought I was being a jackass. I thought, why would he think I would tease him like that? but that’s exactly what I do … someone compliments me and I think, why would they say that? what do they want from me?
I think I can take the risk and trust him … but is he willing to do the same? I guess only time can tell.
Or a continuation of what has been?
I’ve been in Orlando since Sunday, and talked with MJCF until midnight both Monday and Tuesday. I can’t get a decent cell signal unless I go outside and stand in the middle of the parking lot, so calling him was out of the question. Instead we’ve been chatting online using Messenger, two hours on Monday and nearly three hours last night.
He uses “we” so much: “Here’s what we should do.” “We knew that already.” “Hey, we need to go there.” Last night he, appalled at how few movies I watch, decreed that “We need to have a weekly movie night.” He even agreed to my “demand” that I get to pick one movie per month and he has to watch it. We narrowed it down to Tuesday or Wednesday, but didn’t set a final date. He also said that we need to go see this one movie that we’ve both been talking about and decided to do that next week.
At one point he made a saucy comment and I said, “You’re just an exhibitionist!” He said something noncommittal and I replied, “Is that agreement, disagreement … ????” He said, “I plead the 5th.” I said, “Why? You’re talking to me!” then added, “You know, you don’t have to open up to me but you can … and you can trust me.” He did go on to tell me what he previously “plead the 5th” about … It reminded me of a conversation that we had several months ago. He told me that he had never been in love because he hadn’t opened himself up to anyone like that … yet. That’s part of the reason why I’ve been letting him go at his own pace, but I’m getting to the point where I need to know if he likes me. That also means I need to stick my neck out there and tell him that I like him, which is only like the most terrifying thing ever.
So MJCF came to call around 6:30 this morning to drive me to the airport.
I am so nervous around him b/c there’s so much I want to say, so much I’m unsure about. Plus, it takes a lot of my energy to just focus on conversation instead of letting my my wander to where it wants to go.
We talked all the way to the airport, then he surprised me by parking his car. I thought he was just going to drop me off and said as much; he said, “Why would I have driven you if I was just going to do that???” He carried both of my bags inside — inc. the suitcase that was so heavy the woman at the airline counter asked me what was in it! — and waited with me while I checked in. Then he walked with me to the security line … we kissed twice and it was very difficult to remember that we were in a very public place and not get too carried away. We talked for a moment or two, then he kissed me again. Sigh.
After I got through security and was at my gate, I sent him a text msg., thanking him. I said it was great to see him this morning and that I would miss him. He replied almost immediately, with one of his favorite words: “Likewise. ; )”
I was thinking about him on the plane and I so want to know him. I need this to be defined, even as “dating.” I would be really hurt if he were dating someone else, although he’s said he’s not, which is a pretty big change for me as I’ve dated several guys this year while “involved” with MJCF.
I wasn’t expecting to have internet access while in Orlando but I do … I think I’ll be incommunicado for a few days then work up my nerve to actually call him on Wednesday. ; )
MJCF and I were chatting this morning and he asked if I needed a ride to the airport tomorrow morning. I had been hoping he would ask but as my flight leaves at 8:30 a.m., which means leaving my apartment at 6:30 a.m., I wasn’t getting my hopes up too high. I asked him if it was a serious offer — Why do I always think that, when someone offers to do something like this for me, they are just being nice? Who the hell would offer to drive someone to the airport at 6:30 a.m. on a Sunday just to be nice???? — and he laughed at me for even questioning him.
I am so excited.
MJCF is the last person I would have expected to give me hope that I could love someone again. Over the past several weeks, he has been so steady, moving forward slowly but forward nonetheless. On the other hand, I have been up and down, left and right, all over the place … I think so much, I just need to feel. So what if I embarass myself? It’s like I’m afraid MJCF will realize that I like him even though (a) I’m sure he already knows and (b) I already know that he likes me. (Fear of rejection: Next great topic for me and my therapist.)
Last year I had my heart broken twice and I learned that I’d much rather regret something I had done, and failed at, than regret that I never did or tried something. There are much worse things than other people finding out that I’m not “perfect.” My life is so much more full and rich since I no longer try to hide my imperfections as I once did. Would I rather be able to do everything well? You betcha. But I can’t draw. I can’t sing. I can’t hit a ball to save my life.
But I can cook the best potato casserole you’ll ever taste. I take great pride in my ability to match a greeting card to the occasion and the recipient. I can say something so simple yet so funny that friends will talk about if for weeks (Example: a friend received a dreadful ceramic horse for her birthday from her husband. This horse had apples painted on its ass and it was called the apple-oosa. So I said, “I want to see the Quarter Horse!” Weeks later, that remark still is being repeated.)
I don’t need to learn how to be perfect. I just need to learn how to be me.
Me: Sometimes I wonder what you think of me … !!! said after he sent me an e-mail telling me to do something I had already done to solve a problem I had.
Him: What do you mean? Oh you know …
“Oh you know …” Ummm, no I don’t. Spill it, big guy.
Last night I was thinking about things I like about. Coincidentally, he never asked me, meaning (a) he doesn’t care what I think, (b) he was humoring me, (c) he got sidetracked by our discussion or (d) he was afraid to ask. Anyway, here’s what I came up with:
1. He obsesses over getting a haircut when his hair is only like 1/2″ long.
2. His eyes crinkle and his dimples stand out when he smiles.
3. He has very nice manners.
4. His knowledge of music is incredibly limited yet he still will argue with me over who sings a song. (He’s never been correct, BTW.)
5. He is the only man I can think of who is absolutely adorable yet simultaneously sexy beyond belief.
So last night, MJCF and I were talking and somehow the conversation turned to me, me, me. We had been talking about clothes — surprisingly, he likes me best in a t-shirt and glasses — and I asked him, half-seriously, what else he likes about me.
His response floored me: “I don’t think there’s enough time to list everything.” I said, “I don’t have anything to do …”
So what did he come up with? Aside from my ass, he mentioned that I have to wear socks to bed or I can’t fall asleep (odd but true). I choose my words carefully before I speak, but, according to him, I should know that around him, I can say anything I want. He likes how my hair smells (he can tell when I’ve switched shampoos) and how I have my nails done. There was another thing, but I’ll spare you the details. : )
I was stunned. Actually, when he mentioned the socks-to-bed thing, my jaw dropped. I never thought of it as something that could be endearing.
He’s really been on me for the past week for being so measured with my words. I didn’t think that I was but I’ve totally been noticing it. I don’t know why I do it … my therapist thinks it’s because my fear of rejection is “so huge,” in her words, that I censor myself.
I did open up to MJCF a little last night … he was asking me about my marriage, etc., and why I ended up with my ex (in a freaky twist, they knew each other as children). I told MJCF that my dad was an alcoholic until I was 12 and I thought the ex was different, but he wasn’t. No, the ex wasn’t an alcoholic but he works too much and has too much of a fondness for phone-sex lines.
So after I told him about my dad, he STILL was yapping about my ex. I said, “Hey! I just told you something really personal and you’re STILL fixated on my ex!” He apologized, then was quiet for a moment. Then he said, “Just so you know, I talk about drinking and going out a lot, but I hardly ever drink. Just so you know …” Oh my gosh, my eyes welled up … like he was trying to reassure me that he, at least in that respect, isn’t like my dad and my ex. Like he was afraid I would think he was like them.
I can’t believe my one-night-stand attempt is turning into a viable candidate for a relationship.
Oh the indignity! lol
I’m not sure if you can call it being dumped after only two dates, but still.
New Guy didn’t feel a “great romantic attraction between us.” Oh but he wanted to be friends. I replied that we had too many differences, inc. age, life experience (he was a virgin!) and values/beliefs, for things to have worked out or even to have a honest friendship.
I admit I cried … but I have a tendency to lump emotional issues together. My friend said, “What is going on? You went out with him twice! You knew it wasn’t going to work!” I was stressed about seeing the ex again, as I had to last evening, and feeling guilty and a little remorseful.
Then she — and another friend — independently tried to convince me to give MJCF a shot. They both, independently, called him a “good man.” I wailed, “He’s a train wreck!” My friend replied, “And you’re not?!” Touche.
So hell. What do I do now?
MJCF is doing everything I said that I wanted when I ended things with him before. My control-freak nature wants to ask him what the hell is going on, but I know him well enough to know that a tactic like that won’t get me anywhere. He’s supposed to come over tomorrow. Maybe I’ll ask him if he thinks we can be friends. Not “just” friends — I’m no fool — but real friends. I want to get to know him and I want him to know me, and not just the “me” I want him to see.
