2 AM and I’m still awake writing this song
If i get it all down on paper it’s no longer inside of me threaten’ the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin’ out aloud
And I know that you’ll use them however you want to.
– “Breathe (2 AM)” by Anna Nalick

I came back yesterday from a few days in New York City, my first time there. It was the most amazing place I have ever been to – I would move there in a heartbeat. The things I experienced and the conversations I had convinced me of something I’ve known for a while: My life is SO much bigger than what I am currently living.

I whine and complain about the smallest things, and it’s all out of fear. Just about every decision I’ve made has been out of fear … fear of success or fear of failure, but fear nonetheless. And what do I have to be afraid of? Living an actual life?

What I want more than anything is to be a writer yet I’m afraid to write. What if I’m not any good? What if no one wants to hear what I have to say? What if I’m boring? So what?!

On another note, the ex called me yesterday … he was in the midst of an awful situation at work and as he was telling me the insane story, I realized that he must have no one else he could talk to … and he said as much. I was proud of him, though, because he showed a level of assertiveness he didn’t use to have. Above all, I was thankful that I have good friends I can call upon for emotional support. One of my friends recently entrusted me with a very personal story and although I was deeply saddened by what was said, I was floored that they would trust me … I need to stop seeing myself as a flighty, dorky 12-year-old and recognize that other people can care for me as much as I care for them.

Why can I see so much promise and worth in others but not in myself? And why can those others see promise and worth in me but not in themselves?

∗ Posted by Monique on 08.21.2005
∗ Uncategorized