Went out w/ New Guy tonight. Wow. We had dinner, walked around for a bit, then sat outside talking for close to three hours.
It’s August. In the midwest. I rarely do anything outside this time of year for three hours.
Yet, outside I sat, charmed and transfixed by this man. He is so cute. He is so funny. He is so smart.
We flirted. We bantered. We quoted lines from bad movies.
And then he walked me to my car. Ending a first date is always awkward; what do you do? But this was a perfect. A hug and a quick kiss that lasted just long enough.
Aaaaagh! I hope he calls.
When it rains, it pours.
MJCF called me today and asked me out to eat and to see a movie.
It was fun. But I feel guarded around him, because I’m still not sure what’s going on. There were times, though, when we were at the restaurant that he was just, well, gazing at me. It flustered me, so I’d look away. I know he is attracted to me, but it always catches me off guard when he acts like it.
I think he’s confused too. At the theater, I wanted to touch him but kept talking myself out of it. I finally put my hand on his leg and as soon as I did, he put his arm around me, like he wasn’t sure if it was okay.
When we got back to my place, I invited him in, but I wasn’t too disappointed he declined. I was surprised when he waited to leave until I got inside my apartment. I guess I should give him a little more credit than I do.
I want to open up to him, to have him open up to me. But I’m scared.
I guess I’ll see how I feel tomorrow after my date with New Guy.
I have a date tomorrow.
I am feeling kind of ambivalent about it, but I think that may be because I don’t want to get my hopes up.
He just turned 25 (I’m 30), he’s a Republican (I’m quite liberal), he goes to church (I gave that up along with my marriage) … but for some reason I’m interested, and I think it’s more than the “opposites attract” thing. He seems like a nice guy, but funny and with a strong enough personality to balance mine.
We’ve been e-mailing for probably two weeks, and he’s called me twice. So at the end of our conversation last night, he asked me to have dinner with him … we’re meeting tomorrow, as it’s the only time we can get together this week. Afterwards I was like, wow, a man who calls me, wants to talk with me and wants to go out with me. Hmmm … nice change.
Because of his age, I had been referring to him as “Potential New BoyToy,” but that’s not fair. It’s time to retire the “BoyToy” label for now — and the only thing he seems to have in common with MJCF is age. Speaking of, seeing how easy it was for new guy to ask me out made me even pissier with MJCF. Maybe it’s the PMS talking, but damn it. I’m sick of him already — and he’s only been back a month.
Tomorrow I have an appointment to see my therapist for the first time in a month.
We’ve been working together for about 18 months, with the only time off for vacations or the occasional illness. I like her. She challenges me and I can see that I’ve changed. But things have been odd lately. Like, the last time I saw her, in late July, she asked me to think about what would happen if I relied on her more. I thought the point of therapy was to independently help yourself … I mean, we sometimes chit-chat about friendly stuff after a session for a few minutes as she’s writing out the receipt, but we’re not friends. I don’t pay my friends $75/hr to listen to me talk. But back to whole “reliance†issue – I am going to have to ask her tomorrow what she meant by that. I don’t know how I could rely on her more – or less, for that matter.
I feel very defensive when I think about telling her MJCF is back in the picture. Really, I feel like I am in between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want to defend my actions, because I don’t feel like I should have to … MJCF sought me out and I didn’t sleep with him right away. On the other hand, I don’t want to minimize this, to act like it’s no big deal, because I’m not ashamed of what I’ve done. I also don’t want to attribute more or less to MJCF than is warranted.
Maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill and she will have some insight for me tomorrow. I know if I were making $75/hr. I’d come up with something to say. : )
In the midst of my idealistic burst, I failed to mention that I slept with MJCF today. As I was driving to his house, I was wondering if I was doing the right thing … but oh my God, it was glorious! Definitely what I needed. He’s online right now, but I’m “invisible.†He asked me AGAIN if I was seeing anyone and let me know that he wasn’t. I don’t know what he’s waiting for, but hopefully soon I will busy enough that I won’t have time to wonder.
2 AM and I’m still awake writing this song
If i get it all down on paper it’s no longer inside of me threaten’ the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin’ out aloud
And I know that you’ll use them however you want to.
– “Breathe (2 AM)†by Anna Nalick
I came back yesterday from a few days in New York City, my first time there. It was the most amazing place I have ever been to – I would move there in a heartbeat. The things I experienced and the conversations I had convinced me of something I’ve known for a while: My life is SO much bigger than what I am currently living.
I whine and complain about the smallest things, and it’s all out of fear. Just about every decision I’ve made has been out of fear … fear of success or fear of failure, but fear nonetheless. And what do I have to be afraid of? Living an actual life?
What I want more than anything is to be a writer yet I’m afraid to write. What if I’m not any good? What if no one wants to hear what I have to say? What if I’m boring? So what?!
On another note, the ex called me yesterday … he was in the midst of an awful situation at work and as he was telling me the insane story, I realized that he must have no one else he could talk to … and he said as much. I was proud of him, though, because he showed a level of assertiveness he didn’t use to have. Above all, I was thankful that I have good friends I can call upon for emotional support. One of my friends recently entrusted me with a very personal story and although I was deeply saddened by what was said, I was floored that they would trust me … I need to stop seeing myself as a flighty, dorky 12-year-old and recognize that other people can care for me as much as I care for them.
Why can I see so much promise and worth in others but not in myself? And why can those others see promise and worth in me but not in themselves?
It’s been two weeks since MJCF e-mailed me again. Tonight I asked him why. I wanted to have the conversation in person but as I didn’t know when that would happen, I asked him while we were chatting online. Here is a transcript:
Monique: I am enjoying your word usage today
MJCF: lol
MJCF: hey it is the least i can do
Monique: why’s that?
MJCF: I gotta be good for something
Monique: i thought the sparkling conversation was the reason why you contacted me again
MJCF: well duh
Monique: I was chastized for suggesting otherwise
MJCF: yep yep
Monique: I should say that everything I said earlier this summer still holds true
Monique: I mean, I know we have been talking about sex a lot, but aside from my moment of weakness that one Saturday, I’m not looking for casual sex anymore
MJCF: ok
MJCF: I kinda had that feeling
MJCF: or assumed that also
Monique: You had the feeling that that is how I felt, or that is how you feel?
MJCF: I thought that is how you felt
Monique: But you haven’t seemed all that interested in that either …
MJCF: well…because I knew or thought you werent interested in that
MJCF: so didnt want to give you the wrong impression
Monique: So then, if I may ask, why did you e-mail me again?
MJCF: can you belive it rained
MJCF: I had my windows down
MJCF: and didnt even know it was raining
MJCF: and to your question….I dont know..it is fun talking with you
MJCF: I guess
Monique: you “guess”? oh that’s nice … lol
MJCF: lol
MJCF: oh whatever
Monique: I meant it as a serious question, because I have been wondering for the past two weeks
Monique: So that’s why I asked
MJCF: I was being seerious
MJCF: serious
Monique: “oh whatever” is serious?
MJCF: yep
– later –
Monique: I don’t know if this needs to be said, but I am going to anyway lol. Asking you to see a movie or to have a drink is just an invitation to hang out … it’s nothing more … okay, maybe some kissing would be involved, but that’s it …
Monique: It doesn’t mean we’re dating, getting married, whatever lol
Monique: But if you are never going to accept, then I’ll stop asking …
MJCF: I never thought that either
MJCF: I just havent had a chance lately to do so
Monique: I said that because it’s been like that for eight months lol
Monique: I’m starting to feel like a jackass
MJCF: sorry
MJCF: I mean before
MJCF: I guess it was kinda different
MJCF: different scenario
MJCF: at least I think
Monique: yeah it was
Monique: I am really not sure what this is now
MJCF: so its kinda balancing between two diff things
MJCF: lol
Monique: balancing between sex and like, hanging out?
MJCF: I guess
MJCF: i dont know
This is exactly why whatever “this” was/is should have stayed in the past. Why won’t he just tell me why he came back??? My patience with his BS grows ever more thin.
Yesterday I e-mailed MJCF, asking if he wanted to catch a movie. He had to help his dad.
Tonight, after work, I went drinking with friends. At 6 p.m. — on my second margarita — I was goaded into calling him, as the bar was near his house. He actually answered his phone when I called, shocking me, but he sounded irritated. About an hour later he called me back to tell me he couldn’t make it. He probably couldn’t have gotten off the phone any quicker if he tried.
I’m still confused. Calling me to tell me he wasn’t coming was a major departure from the days of yore — he never would and that used to irritate me. But that doesn’t overshadow that fact that he turned me down twice.
What the hell, you know? He came back, knowing I wouldn’t sleep with him, yet he won’t go “out.” What does he want from me? Tonight probably isn’t the best time to find out, considering I’ve had three margaritas. But my patience is wearing thin. And I want to know why he came back. Thank God I’m leaving town again on Tuesday. I’m sure a few days in New York City will distract me from this insanity. If nothing has changed by the time I return, it will time for a little chit-chat with MJCF. There’s no point in being scared or playing games. If you like me, tell me. End of story.
I’m leaving today for a few days to visit a friend. The timing couldn’t be better: I need a break from MJCF. The past week has been too confusing and intense. The irony in all of this is that, initially, I just wanted a man to desire me physically because that had been so lacking in my last relationship. Then I got annoyed with MJCF because he only desired me physically. So I ended it. Now, he’s back and has made it clear he’s missed talking to me, although the physical desire still is present. It’s almost like he’s being more respectful of me, because that’s what I demanded. I’m cautiously optimistic. He’s even started talking about us doing things together, which he never used to do. Whether these outings come to fruition remains to be seen. Damn it, I like him. And I’m scared that I am going to let my guard down again, become invested emotionally and the things will end up being just like they used to be. Meanwhile, I’ll let an opportunity with someone else pass me by …
My flight leaves in four hours and it’s starting to storm. Rain is the last thing I need. In my mood, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a blizzard in August. : )
This is a song that makes me think of MJCF:
It seems to me, you and me
Are chasing something.
What it is does anybody here want to know?
It seems to you, you and me
Are forgetting something
When love is so easily forgotten.
And if I pick you up, will you drag me down?
If I run to you, will you turn around?
Rise and fall turn the wheel ’cause all life
Is really just a circle.
It seems to me, you and me
Are being chased by something.
What it is has anybody here apprehended?
It seems to you, you and me
Are terrified by nothing
When nothing is the reason we are here.
Oh, nothing at all.
And if I cry to you, will you laugh me down?
But I’m asking you to turn around.
Rise and fall turn the wheel ’cause all life
Is really just a circle.
– “Circle,” Big Head Todd & the Monsters
I feel stuck. I shouldn’t have let MJCF back in to my life. Nothing has changed … we talk a lot, but he still hasn’t asked me out. He works too much — hence, the nickname “my job comes first” — and I feel like he’s just out of reach. We were apart long enough that I was used to not talking with him anymore. Now he doesn’t seem interested in sex but he doesn’t seem interested in friendship, either.
Maybe I’m reading this all wrong. Maybe I’m projecting my confusion onto him. Or maybe he thinks what he’s giving me is enough.
Why does he affect me like this?
