So my blogaversary is rapidly approaching. Four years in When We Were Liars land. (First post was July 3, 2005.) I have a plan but it needs Laci’s help … between the two of us, we should be able to wrangle the celebratory photo I want. I need to buy props. 
If it works out, not only will it be my blogaversary photo, I might also make it my Christmas card. LOL
I am officially on a mini-vacay until Monday. Tomorrow I’m meeting L for lunch and then we’re going to see The Hangover. He’s already seen it, just like everyone else in the world but me. I have my belly dance class tomorrow night. Friday evening, I’m going to First Friday for a few hours, as the building my church meets in is hosting an exhibition. Laci is going to call me when she’s a little ways away so I can run home and meet her. Squeee!
I recently reconnected with an old friend on Facebook. We’ve been emailing and while our lives are pretty different (she is a mom of 3), it’s like we never stopped being friends. It’s the craziest thing. We were BFFs forever and we did so much stupid teenage girl shit together. She had about a bazillion knee surgeries and I also used that as an excuse to leave class early in junior high to “help” her carry her stuff. I remember when she hid her Debbie Gibson tapes from me because she knew I would make fun of her. LOL I also remember her parents reaching out to me while my dad was in rehab, because they knew something wasn’t right (that was back in the days when we did not speak of such things). Teh interwebz are a very awesome thing. 
L was this evening’s candidate. I expected to be there an hour, tops, then be on my way. Next thing I knew it was nearly 8 p.m.!
I was a little disappointed that L was short — my third short one in a row — Laci pointed out “You’re short too!” I countered with, “I like to wear heels. You don’t!” 
Anyway, he is at the lower end of my age range (he’s 28) but he seemed funny and was cute so why not … a little rough around the edges was my initial impression but he won me over. He’s very funny and charming but also down to earth. He had me laughing with some of his stories. He said he took some “me time” and hasn’t dated in a while, but one of the lines he used to use was asking girls if he could put them on his drunk call list. LOL I later asked if I was going on the drunk call list and he said not until after he takes me to dinner. 
He mentioned that I was a difficult person to find online … at least he admitted to trying to Google stalk me. LOL But my email was used just for that purpose and lists my last name as “K.” You’re not finding anything about me that way! I did offer him my business card. 
Looks like we’ll be going out again soon … yay.
Spectacular wedding photos to be found inside … enter at your own risk.
Now Billy Mays is dead, too? What the hell is going on? I was at the church office, waiting for our into class to start, when I was checking Twitter. As soon as I saw the news, I texted Ricardo for confirmation. He hadn’t heard and asked who was next? Vince McMahon? Seriously! Then I told one of the pastors and he immediately started talking like Billy Mays and I had to ask him to please stop.
Speaking of church, it was a LONG day. I got to the office about 9:30 to drop off the rest of the stuff for the class then walked over to Starbucks. Then I went back to church since we met at 9:45 to go over the welcome team stuff. I ended up talking to a woman I hadn’t met before so that was fun. I did my shift at the welcome table, which was fun because there were several first-timers. It’s kind of big pressure because I’m the first person the newbies really talk to, other than the people at the door, who may or may not know someone is new. I got into the service about 15 minutes late and coincidentally sat next to a new person and invited her to the intro class. I had to leave about 20 minutes early to go next door to set up for the class.
I planned to scoot out after that but the pastor asked me to stay. Initially the only attendee was the young woman I spoke with, so the pastor wanted the three of us to go to Starbucks. I was going to back out, thinking, ummm shouldn’t one of the other pastors go?! But that became a moot point when more people showed up. I stayed anyway and just kind of sat there in the FREEZING room for the next hour. I talked a little, when I introduced myself and also about our small groups, since I attend one. I think the pastor wanted to talk to me afterwards but I was saved from that by the other couple asking to speak to him. Score!
I know they want me to consider membership (they call it something else but I don’t want to make this post be found on a search engine or something, lol) but I have started to formulate a list of questions. Actually, the woman today raised some good points I had thought about but hadn’t really formalized. So I’m going to ask to meet with a couple of the pastors to discuss my questions and get down to a deeper level. I have a bad habit of just being like, oh, whatever, and ignoring my capability to ask the deep questions.
I finally left there about 1:15 and was so relieved when I got home to see that my professor gave us an extension on the project that was due today. He just today emailed me back the project file I turned in last Sunday — a file I needed to build off of for THIS project! Granted I’ve been procrastinating but I’ve started in on it and plan to have it submitted tomorrow. I wanted to weep with joy when I saw I wouldn’t have to stay up late tonight to get it all done. Score!
Finally got out the door about 10:30 today and hauled most of the stuff over to the church office. I have to be at church at 9:45 tomorrow to do the welcome table (services start at 10:30) and leave at 11:40ish to walk over to the office to set up for the introductory class. I’m not planning to stick around, since (a) I don’t want to and (b) I have crap due tomorrow for school. So, hopefully my services will not be needed … the men leading the class can take the rest of the food home.
Yesterday morning on my way into work I rec’d a text message from G., telling me that he enjoyed meeting me and looked forward to doing it again. I replied in kind and said I hoped we could get our schedules to match up. A few more texts went back and forth, then I had a conference call and he had to meet with a client. About an hour or two later, I got an email from him. We had laughed over this article and he asked me to send him the link. He closed the email with, “All the best, G.”
What?! I was like, “all the best”??? Is he blowing me off??? Did he change his mind in 2 hours about getting together again?! I decided to just not reply, as he is more of a formal guy and who knows, maybe I was misinterpreting things. Imagine my surprise when I got a text with him early this after, asking how I was doing, how my day was going, etc. When I got the message, I was on my way into the movie theater so I waited 2.5 hours to reply. He was at his younger daughter’s soccer tournament and we exchanged a few more texts.
Men make my fucking head hurt.
I’m still kind of weirded out by his age. I mean, it’s not like I am a spring chicken anymore, despite how I like to think of myself. I’ll be 35 in a few months … and younger men are losing their appeal. This cougar thing has gotten out of hand. I get all these email from guys in their early 20s. Seriously. I’m looking for a relationship, not a quick lay. I can’t think of what on earth I would talk about with someone barely old enough to buy me a drink.
I have noticed, however, that no matter old a man is, their checking-out-the-ladies skills don’t seem to get any better. When I met G., I was wearing what I wore to work: dark jeans, sandals and a short sleeved T-shirt. Granted, my shirts are getting big (AGAIN) and it was a scoop neck, but it’s not like my boobehs were hanging out … but I still caught him looking a few times. Srsly. EYES UP HERE. But, every guy I’ve been out with lately has done that … and I am two cup sizes smaller than I used to be!!!!
I set my alarm for 9 this morning. I was awake before 8. Bah.
Busy day … a girl at church asked me to fill in for her Sunday, setting up for a class. No problemo. Well, now I have a car full of nonperishables and supplies as well as two big trays of food in my fridge. Sigh. Fortunately she gave me her key to the church office, so after I get a move on this morning, I’m going to head over there to drop most everything off.
I’m meeting a friend at 12:30ish to see Taking of Pelham 123, then I’ll be spending the rest of my day/evening wrapping up the last assignment for my PM class. Score.
So I got the blow-off email from The Stache today. He thinks we’re looking for different things, blah blah blah. I think he’s pissed he didn’t get his “money’s worth” out of me. WTF ever. I was upset, I will admit that, I was disappointed. Just like, fucking seriously. AGAIN?! But I dried my tears (I have some awesome friends), reapplied my eye make-up, and prepped for my coffee date with the new guy, G.
I didn’t have super high hopes. We started emailing in mid-April, had plans to have lunch, he canceled, I got pissed. He reconnected with me again, I got busy, whatever. Then a week or two ago, he reconnected, I told him I thought he wasn’t interested, he assured me he was … I wasn’t too into it, considering I had other dates last week. Well, when I realized things were going south with The Stache, I texted G … and here we are.
We met at Starbucks. He’s very interesting. He owns a consulting business now, but has owned a franchise in the past as well as taught political science and economics at the college level. (I made him sound a lot more pretentious than he came off as!) He’s been divorced twice, has four kids … but two are grown and two are teenagers. (He’s 48.) I was pleasantly surprised with the hour we spent together. He’s attractive and I don’t think he looks his age. Definitely interested enough to see him again, which we talked about. Hug in the parking lot, no making out. He’s got his kids this weekend and he seemed a little disappointed that I had plans with friends next weekend. So if we go out, it’ll be a weekday date … which isn’t bad. Can’t get myself into too much trouble.
Part One: Hot, Hot, Hot
Today was our Habitat for Humanity build at work. It was a panel build, so all the work was done in the parking lot. My shift was from 9:30-11, and it was 85 degrees already by the time we began. Standing on black asphalt, it was STOOPID HOT. Bending over, trying to hammer in these stupid nails, sweat was plopping off of my forehead onto the ground. It was ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. But, it was amazing to see the house come together like it did. The homeowner was on site and seemed like a very nice lady.
Part Two: My Last Post
Dimplz was the only person to comment, but I received several emails about the blog post. Apparently I’m not the only one with a case of the crazies. In fact, one of the emails made me tear up, because the person who wrote it is so fucking awesome and it pains me that we both feel like we do. Another friend wrote that she understands how I feel but while she was reading the post, all she could think was, wow, how fucked up are those guys?! Exactly, my friend, exactly.
Part Three: Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot
I haven’t heard from The Stache since Monday. WTH? I was all like, I’m not going to call him, blah blah blah, but I broke down and sent him a short email this morning. Basically, like how’s your morning? I spent my morning at a Habitat build, it’s hot! And … nothing.
Seriously. The man is 44. That is a little old for games and he doesn’t seem like the type to just disappear. So I don’t know what the fuck to think.
So, I did what any self-respecting single girl would do — I called my back-up. There’s a guy I’ve been talking to on and off for quite a while. I actually saw him Friday @ Starbucks so I texted him today to tell him that. He was with a woman, he said she was a colleague, mmhmm, whatev. Long story short, we’re meeting tomorrow (at Starbucks, of course) for coffee.
This is one of the blog posts I’m having second thoughts about and I haven’t even written a full sentence yet. Obvs, seeing J with another woman tonight threw me, despite that it’s been nearly 4 months since I broke up with him. I saw him twice today, the first time being when I saw him watching me from a distance when he took the dog out, and of course on my way home. Those were the first times I’ve really SEEN him since the end of April. He drove past me Saturday night but I saw his truck, really, not him.
Over and over again, I’ve thought about our relationship. Why/how did he hide his drinking and drug use in the beginning, yet let it consume him near the end? What did he even want out of a relationship with me? Did he think I had my shit together so it would magically rub off on him? Was he wanting an older woman to turn his life around?
I don’t know the answer to any of those questions, of course. After the break-up conversation, we haven’t actually spoken. He called that one time, we texted, I snapped at him, I cried when I saw him walk the dog in front of my building, but no sit-down, where-did-we-go-wrong conversation. I didn’t want it. He wanted to be friends, I wanted him out of my life.
And then, tonight, the thought occurs to me through my tears, that this is once again a case of “never enough.” To recap my 34 years of life, this is a deeply held belief that I picked up somewhere along the way that if I were just “enough,” the men in my life wouldn’t leave me or choose something/someone else. To demonstrate:
1. My father. If I had only been pretty/smart/obedient/good enough, he wouldn’t have lost so many years of his life to alcoholism and I wouldn’t have the residual effects to deal with. This belief only comes out at moments of true pain, because he has been sober for more than 20 years. But that childhood bullshit runs deep. Very deep.
2. My ex-husband. If I had been thin/less smart/more tolerant/more traditional, he wouldn’t have worked 60+ hours a week/gone looking elsewhere for sex/not been a douchebag. I don’t care how many times a man says “It had nothing to do with you” after he strays, it does. It has EVERYTHING to do with me because if I were “enough,” he wouldn’t have strayed. Sigh. Or it could just be that he has intimacy issues, baggage from childhood and can’t talk about what he needs.
3. The former flame. Now this was a hot mess, in that he was a mess, I was a mess and we caused a mess. The FF is the reason why I will never again have a quote-unquote work husband. And of course it was just my luck to find the one sexually confused gay man out there. I don’t know how to categorize this one: I was “enough” of me to make him fall for me but not “enough” to keep him (although the keeping would have been a disaster). It’s been nearly 5 years, the pain is mostly gone, but I still don’t like to hear his name, which I occasionally do at work.
4. My ex-boyfriend Mark. This is the douche who, during his break-up speech, went through the litany of things he really, really liked about me, then ended with the kicker: “I’m just not attracted to you like I should be.” I still hear that fuckstick’s words in my head, 3+ years later. We were SO not suited for each other, but he was my first post-divorce boyfriend, and I wanted to be so “enough” that I could erase the painful memories of relationships past.
5. [Insert names of various dates/boyfriends/encounters] Out of that whole passle of men, not one wanted to stick it out? Seriously?
6. J. Now here is the kicker, my coup de grace. This is where it comes full circle, folks. (I wish I had a network chart in MS Project to draw the dependencies, to show how these relationships are related. I’m in grad school. STFU.) If I had only been pretty/smart/obedient/good enough, he wouldn’t have lost so many years of his life to alcoholism and I wouldn’t have the residual effects to deal with. Ooh! Do we see a connection?! Yes, I thought I could be “enough” of what J needed to make him stop needing the alcohol and the drugs like he did. Did I know intellectually that was a load of horseshit? Yes. Did I care? No.
Honestly, in hindsight, I don’t know why I stayed so long (so long being 5 months). I don’t remember if I blogged about this during the breakup, but of course I had known for quite some time that I needed to end things. A few days before I did, I prayed — and I am terrible about praying and actually asking for something, I just feel guilty, like God has better things to do than intervene in my love life — but I prayed and asked for some sort of sign that I should stick with J or really give him up. And lo and behold, like 2 days later he told me he loved me. So I thought that was my sign.
Then, a few weeks later, it occurred to me that, no, that was NOT it. What the message was the way J acted after he said that. You don’t tell someone you love them then disappear for a fucking week, getting drunk off your ass night after night.
One of my friends said tonight, about the woman J was with, “With any luck, she’ll be an ex soon enough.” Because he puts up a good front. He’s an addict. That’s what they do. But it all comes crumbling down because nothing, no matter how pretty/smart/good/thin, etc., can compete with the first love …
That being said, I really wish he’d move the fuck back to Texas.
The end.
The Monique pity party of June 09 did not last long. I had my wine then realized, WTF? I am upset over J?! SRSLY. Plus I heard from lots of people on FB, Twitter, email and the phone, so I felt even better. A few pieces of bacon for dinner helped. LOL
